The other day I saw a commercial advertising an upcoming reality series about the dramatic and exciting world of dog grooming. I was immediately saddened when I realized that there are people who are actually going to watch it…TiVo it even. What isn’t going right in their lives? This has caused me to think through what I believe are the 5 most ludicrous reality shows in existence. Here is what I’ve concluded:

1. Groomer Has It – This is the show mentioned above about people who cut dog hair. I heard this one barely beat out Shear Me Out, a romantic dramedy about sheep shearers caught in precarious situations, for Animal Planet’s last available slot.

2. Hell’s Kitchen – I’ve only seen the commercials for it, but that’s all it took to make this list. How could someone possibly get that mad about food preparation? The real Hell’s Kitchen would be a kitchen that has one of those little TVs that continually loops this show and never turns off.

3. Dancing with the Stars – What is less exciting than watching some ex-NFL player do the waltz or mamba? I’ll tell you. Watching some former child actor or 80′s celebrity do the waltz or mamba. They need real stars doing real dances. I want to see Matt Damon do the Roger Rabbit or Barack Obama 2-stepping or Dr. Phil doing the robot. If that happens, I’ll watch.

4. Whatever, Martha! – Can you imagine the network pitch for this show?

Network: Let me get this straight. You want to create a show where you just sit there on a couch, watch footage of your mother’s TV show, and make some snide remarks and sarcastic quips along the way? This is the entire concept?
Alexis: I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Network: This is a joke, isn’t it? Where is the hidden camera?
Alexis: No, I’m completely serious.
Network: How about this? If you pay us to do the show, we’ll do it.
Alexis: Deal!!

I want to pitch a show where I sit on a couch and make fun of this show and Martha’s show…and fit in some jokes about Groomer Has It along the way.

5. Every Reality Show on MTV or VH1 – I don’t think this one even needs commentary, but if you’re not convinced, go watch one episode of Rock of Love. It’s the classiest one on either network.

Which ones did I miss? What show needs to be on this list?