A few years ago I had the opportunity to meet Michael Cera, star of Arrested Development, Juno, and Superbad, in the Newark airport. I’m not usually someone who goes up and talks to celebrities, but in this case, I absolutely had to. He’s one of my favorites.

My brother and I went over and introduced ourselves. I handed Bryan my camera to take a picture of me and my new best friend. Unfortunately, I had been messing around with the camera settings earlier that day, so this happened (there are pictures at the bottom to prove it)…

Picture 1 – Completely washed out
Me: Uh, I’m sorry about that. Can we get one more. Let me just…yeah…that ought to do it.

Picture 2 – 90% washed out
Me: What the heck? I thought I…there…it should work this time.
Michael: [awkwardly] That’s OK.

Picture 3 – Still 90% washed out
Me: What the frick? This piece of…Kyle! Get over here! We need to use your camera!
Michael: [Looking over his shoulder at his girlfriend waiting in the food court line] I’m coming!
Bryan: Well, if you don’t need me to take the picture, I’m getting in it.
Kyle: OK. 1…2…3…oh…crap. Why is it blurry?

Picture 4 – 70% white
Me: [Sweating] Unbelievable. I am so sorry. If you just give me a second…I swear…OK, here we go.
Michael’s Girlfriend: Come on!
Michael: Sorry guys. I need to-
Me: [Grabbing onto his shoulder, not letting go] Here we go. This should work. Thanks for being so cool about this. OK, Kyle, whenever you’re ready.
Kyle: 1…2…3…uh…

Picture 5 – Two-second video
Kyle: It was on video mode.
Me: You’ve got to be-
Kyle: OK. I got it. 1…2…3…

Picture 6 – Success! That is, if you count me accidentally sticking my tongue out of the corner of my mouth a success (why would I do that?).

Any other embarrassing celebrity encounters out there?

I recently heard about this crazy phenomenon known as newborn acne. Seriously. Apparently it’s really normal for infants to have it. Needless to say, this has caused me to think about what this world would be like if newborns naturally experienced some of the other misfortunes that accompany puberty. Just imagine…

Baby Armpit Hair – Imagine you’re tickling your little one. He laughs so hard he throws his hands in the air, revealing two tiny tufts of pit hair. That’s enough tickling for now.

Baby Voice Cracking – Imagine your baby crying for milk when all of the sudden his voice cracks, he gets really embarrassed, shouts “forget it! I hate you!” Then he crawls into his room, slams the door, and listens to Nirvana until dinner.

Baby Thin-Stache – Imagine Dad trying to subtly imply to his 6-week-old that he should start shaving that mysterious mess on his upper lip. Baby defends his thin-stache, saying it makes him feel more grown up.

Baby B.O. – Imagine smelling what you think is a dirty diaper, only to find out that it’s baby B.O. He must have worn himself out playing in his crib. Its OK, though. Before you can do anything about it, he’s doused himself in Axe Body Spray like every other well-intentioned male who is going through puberty. Now your entire house smells like Summer Sport Mist.

Baby Adam’s Apple - Imagine kissing your Baby’s neck and accidentally cutting your lip on his huge, sharp, neck nugget. You duck down in pain. All of the sudden you hear James Earl Jones offer you a band-aid, only to look up and discover that it was your Baby.

What other puberty misfortunes would be funny for a baby to experience?

NOTE: If you’ve read this already, check out the disclaimer post below.

I’ve been blogging for two months now. Yesterday I looked at my blog on a PC for the first time. Gross.

The font is different. The color is different. The formatting is different. And by different, I mean worse. I just felt like this post was necessary for you PC users who care about aesthetics. My apologies to you. I’m sorry you don’t have a Mac.

*Remember when we referred to PCs as IBMs?

The other day I was sitting at my kitchen table working on the computer, when I looked into our den and saw a huge dog standing there staring at me.

The thing is, we don’t own a dog. Nor do we invite them into our home. Just a random dog. In my den.

How did this happen? Anyone else having this problem? Is there some sort of spray that will prevent this in the future?

*For those of you who were not amused by my traumatic experience mentioned above, here’s an easier dog laugh…

It finally happened…

I found an even bigger box, which, in my opinion, only made it funnier. The mailing process took over 30 minutes. Why, you ask?

PO: What’s in the box?
Me: A book.
PO: [What you talkin bout, Willis? face] A book?
Me: Yeah.
PO: You know they make smaller boxes don’t you?
Me: Yeah. I’m doing it to be funny.
PO: [Unamused] Hmph. I’m going to need to open it up and inspect it.
Me: Wait…what? Why?
PO: Because I don’t believe you.
Me: But I spent so long packing it. Must you?
PO: I must. Some joke, by the way.

The package was inspected. A huge line (or, as I like to think, an audience) formed behind me. They eventually approved it. I paid my money and left with a smile on my face, knowing without a doubt that this was well worth it.

I can’t wait to see this guy’s Amazon review.