My wife and I went shopping the other night at Perimeter Mall. I like malls in theory, but every time I go to one, I’m reminded of how the negatives of the experience far outweigh the positives. Allow me to elaborate:

1. Putting Clothes Back on Hangers – I just found out that it’s not acceptable, when you’ve decided you don’t like an item, to just drape it over the rack or place it on the ground next to where it went. Who knew? I’ll tell you who. My wife.

Amy: Where did that go?
Me: Where did what go?
Amy: That shirt you just threw on the ground.
Me: Um, I placed it.
Amy: You’re supposed to put it back on the hanger.
Me: Good one. Ame, don’t you know they have people for that?
Amy: [Walks away embarrassed]
Me: What? Are you going to get the people?

2. The Food Court Deboccle – I swore I wouldn’t do it again. No one in their right mind combines pizza and Chinese food. Just go get some Chick-Fil-A, Tyler. Wait a minute. What’s happening over there at Sbarro? Did that pizza just come out of the oven? I’m going there. Two slices of pepperoni, please. I couldn’t be more happy with this decision. What’s that? Orange chicken sample? No thanks. I’ve got this pizza here. Seriously, I’m ok. Holy crap – did she just try to stab me with that toothpick? Ok, ok fine. I’ll take it. Every single time.

3. Crop Dusting – Walking from one end of the mall to the other can be such a pleasant olfactory experience. You get to take in the rich aroma of Starbucks, the sweet smell of Cinnabon, and the buttery goodness of Pretzel Time, all in a matter of 100 feet. Then you turn the corner and get punched in the face by the stench of a rotting diaper omelette. The crop duster has struck again. I bet it was that elderly woman at the bluetooth kiosk. There’s no way she’s in the market for one of those. She’s just waiting for it to pass.

4. Getting Out of a Department Store – I get stressed out when it’s time to leave the mall. I know what’s coming. Before I can get to my car, I have to navigate through the human maze known as Macy’s. I feel like I’m on The Truman Show and the store owners are just watching me try to make sense of it all. I think there were purses when I came in. How can the parking lot be on this level? I thought it was downstairs. These doors look right. No, it wasn’t purses…it was scarves. I remember smelling perfume. Wait, I think we parked at Dillard’s.

I know I’m leaving out a ton. What are some other horrible things about the mall?