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Secret Perks of Having Kids

April 28th, 2009 - Uncategorized - 11 Comments »

Having kids is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me, for all the obvious reasons. There are some perks, though, that I never saw coming. If you’re considering having kids, make sure you factor these things into the equation.

Excuse to Leave Early – If you find yourself in a lame situation, all you have to do is utter those 9 magic words: We have to go put the kids to bed. The power of that sentence is incredible. One minute you’re talking to some nervous guy about the new RAM he got for his laptop, and the next minute you’re on your way home. No one’s feelings get hurt (unless you don’t really leave, and Nervous Guy sees you an hour later talking to Awesome Guy).

Freedom to Fart – I can literally fart anywhere as long as one of my boys is around. I’ve found that a well-timed “Do you have a poopy diaper?” accompanied by eye contact and a slightly embarrassed grin will cover a multitude of sins (except with my wife…she’s on to me). I executed this to perfection yesterday at the doctor’s office.

Exemption from Helping -

Friend: Hey, can you give me a hand with these boxes?
Me: [Grabbing my son from my wife] Oh, man, I would…really. But I got this baby.
Friend: Can your wife just hold him for another minute?
Me: He is craving some Daddy time. You’ll understand when you have kids.
Friend: (I can’t believe I’m friends with this guy)
Me: (I think he bought it)

Instant Self-Esteem – I was never good at soccer growing up. But when I play against my two-year-old, man…I’m amazing. He has yet to score on me.

Those of you with kids, what are some of the other perks?
Those of you without kids, how do you plan on “leveraging” your little ones?

  • Leigh

    Free Labor: I haven’t unloaded a dishwasher or folded laundry since my daughter was in 4th grade (5 years ago) My son is almost 12 and my husband is pumped about never mowing the grass again. Just last night my son said I should pay him for wiping off the kitchen table and I was finally able to say this: “How about your payment is a roof over your head, clothes to wear and food on the table, mister? Huh? Huh? Yeah, that’s what I thought!” I got a massive eye roll, especially when my husband high fived me (we’re too old for knuckles).

  • http://www.douglake.blogspot.com D.Lake

    Nice list … when your kids are a bit older (mine 10 & 12) the freedom to fart is still exist. Now you can blame them or their friends. Smelly Kid Crotch doesn’t go away til mid-teens.

    Shorter Chore List: Kid’s need a good work ethic instilled in them … taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and cleaning the kids bathroom – it no longer on your plate!

  • http://taftastic.wordpress.com Lee Taft

    I’m really enjoying the ability to play with toys again. My kid was way too young for Elmo Live last fall, but did that stop me from buying it “for him”? No way. I’m way too old for playing with giant bouncy balls in the aisles in Target, but I sure do enjoy it.

  • nate

    chics

  • required

    1 perk i love is that when i’m running late i can wear that shirt or pair of jeans/pants with the stain on it from the last time i wore it and be able to say that my son inadvertently just put that stain there with the tag line, “…you know how kids are.”

  • http://bryanallain.com/blog bryan a

    No More Excruciating Out of Town Parent Visits – We live 6 hours from my parents, so their visits usually last around 3 days. Before kids, the visits were all the same.

    The first hour – excitement to see each other.
    The second hour – catching up on each other’s lives.
    The third hour – how am i going to entertain these people for the next 3 days?

    But once you have kids it all changes. The kids give them something to do, and suddenly you’ve got live-in babysitters! “see you mom, we’re going out to the movies. and if something happens to our car and we can’t make it back tonight, we’ll be staying at the Radisson in town.”

    (btw, if my parents are reading this, i am not speaking from experience…only from what my mean friends tell me about their parents)

    • http://tylerstanton.com admin

      That’s pure genius.

  • Kyle

    I cant wait to have kids. I cant wait to put them on a playing field right out of the womb and push them until they hate the sport. Then I will push them some more until they make it to the big leagues and then I can take all the credit for their ability to play the sport since I “helped” them out through the years. My kids will then have to support me while I am a lazy piece of crap that lives off my their fortunes. Im really excited…

  • http://www.ilovemrpibb.blogspot.com Greta

    Having an Enthusiastic Gofer

    That’s right. Our son is in the stage where he’s excited to “bring mama her shoes” or “bring daddy a col-ba (cold beer)”….I kid, I kid…about the col-ba.

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/sdimas Sandra

    Nice list. Perhaps my favorite is getting to play with toys and games all you want and being called a good parent for it when, truth be told, you just really want to dress up Barbies and get a FC on "Don't Fear the Reaper."

    PS Yes, I just saw this post. Would've read it sooner but I've got kids. ;-)