Last week I posted about Guilty Pleasures and Road Trips. Today I’m combining the two to highlight some of the more unique guilt trips that I’ve ever received.

The Dental Guilt Trip - Last time I went to the dentist, the hygienist offered shame-inducing color commentary the entire time she hovered over me. The hour was filled with exaggerated eye rolls, disapproving head shakes, and several Oh Dears (who says Oh Dear anymore?). It was as though I wasn’t even in the room. As we were wrapping up, she put the nail in the coffin by asking me if my wife was OK with my eventual tooth decay. I have since switched dentists.

The Dry-Cleaning Guilt Trip – This interaction actually happened last Saturday (I promise).

Layla, the Dry Cleaner: Where have you been?
Me: Sorry, I couldn’t make it by yesterday.
Layla: Did you not get my calls?
Me: No, I did. I was just really busy.
Layla: You said that even if I die, you need to get these shirts ASAP.
Me: What? I never said that. Why would I talk about you dying?
Layla: Just take your shirts, Mr. Hotshot.

The Automotive Guilt Trip – I’ve mentioned this before, but every time I get my oil changed, the mechanic gives me a I-can’t-believe-you’d-treat-your-car-like-this death stare when I decline certain services he’s suggested. Bro, just change my freaking oil.

The Waiter Guilt Trip – This happens almost every time I eat at a sit-down restaurant.

Waiter: Would you guys like some dessert?
Me: No thanks.
Waiter: Are you sure you don’t want to try our new Fudge Volcano Earthquake Blast?
Me: Yeah, pretty sure. We’ll just take the check.
Waiter: Come on Alice. Why don’t you man up and get a dessert?
Me: I’m sorry, is this really happening right now? You know I haven’t left the tip yet, right?
Waiter: I’m just saying, you’re the one who has to live with yourself. What do you say?
Me: I’m speechless.

Am I the only one? Have you received any unique guilt trips?

This is a clip of my friend* Susan trying out for Britain’s Got Talent. Chances are, you’ve seen it already. If not, enjoy. I’m proud of you Susan!

NOTE: If you don’t have the 7 minutes this will take to watch the whole way through, don’t even bother starting it. It’s worth it though. And if you don’t tear up a little, you have no heart.

*This is the most liberal use of the word friend. We have actually never spoken. I’m convinced, though, that she worked in my elementary school cafeteria for at least a year.

I got to be a part of the Catalyst Road Trip Podcast yesterday, and everyone was asked what their favorite road trip experience was. I’ve been thinking about that question ever since, and I realized that a good road trip isn’t dependent on where you’re going, or even who you’re with. It has everything to do with whether or not you brought your road trip essentials. Here are mine.

1. Combos, Mambas, Milk Duds, and Mountain Dew – I have made sure to cover the four road trip food groups here: salty, fruit, chocolate, and drink. This balanced diet is essential. Interestingly, I don’t like any of these things outside the context of my car.

2. John Denver’s Greatest Hits - Thank you Mom and Dad for indoctrinating me at an early age. Now I’m unable to travel long distances without poor quality loops of Rocky Mountain High and Leaving on a Jet Plane.

3. Thick Skin – Without fail, when I start telling my wife a story on a long car ride, she is asleep in less than 2 minutes. She swears that it’s the car that puts her to sleep, but the jury’s still out.

4. Video Camera - Tripp, Dan, and I made this music video about 5 years ago on a road trip from Wisconsin to Minnesota.

What are your road trip essentials? Maybe I need to incorporate some of your stuff into my routine.

We all have them. You know, those things that we really like but don’t want anyone to know about. Well, it’s time I come clean. I just can’t carry these secrets around any longer. The weight of their concealment is more than I can bear.

Celebrity Apprentice – I started dabbling in this about two months ago. I never planned on it becoming an addiction, but before I knew it, I would go crazy if I didn’t get my Sunday night fix. There’s just something about famous people acting really childish and not famous that hypnotizes me. Oh, and [insert favorite Donald Trump hair joke here].

Mirror Side-Glances – I am either the vainest person on the planet, or the most normal. You know what I’m talking about (right?). You walk past a reflective store window a few times (whoops, I forgot something back there) or inspect the car that’s parked next to you, with the sole intention of making sure your physical appearance hasn’t faltered since the last time you checked. I like to keep it to a side-glance. I think it’s the full-on-glance that makes one vain.

Apple Store Roaming – I am (disturbingly) happy while merely standing inside an Apple Store. I’m not in the market to buy anything new. No, I just want to be surrounded by all the stuff. After I’m done examining the iPhone on display (the same iPhone I already have in my pocket, by the way), I usually just go get on the Internet, thinking that it will somehow be an awesomer version. It isn’t. It’s the exact same…but better.

Toxic by Britney Spears - If I’m riding in the car with you and this song comes on, don’t say anything important for the next few minutes. While I may be nodding my head at you every 30 seconds or so, it’s not because I’m agreeing with you. I am actually answering the question that I just asked myself in my head – Did this song get better since the last time I heard it? Yes. Yes it did.

What are some of your guilty pleasures? Come on, if you can’t tell us, who can you tell?

My wife and I are on a reality home improvement show called Renovation Realities tonight at 9:30 on the DIY Network. Check it out if you get a chance. I don’t even get that channel, so let me know how it goes.

*It’s coming on HGTV in a few months. I’ll keep you posted.