1. Favorite Display of Awesomeness – Damien Walters
2. Favorite Upcoming Show – Men vs. Wild (Bear Grylls with Will Ferrell)
3. Favorite Business Card – My brother-in-law Josh wins this in a landslide
4. Favorite Comments – All of them on 8 Restaurant Ruiners
5. Favorite New (to me) Blog – Failblog.org
6. Favorite Slow-Motion Video – Go ahead and fast forward to the 0:50 mark
Welcome to all of you who came here from Stuff Christians Like! My site is similar to Jon’s, except a lot more mediocre and trivial. If I were you, I’d be asking myself a couple questions right now:
1) Jon makes me laugh. Can this guy make me laugh?
2) Should I visit his blog on a regular basis?
Here are 3 ways to help you make that decision:
1. Check out the Essentials page. Click here to see a collection of what my readers decided are my ten best posts. It should give you a good indication of whether or not we laugh at the same things.
2. Watch the Videos. My friend Tripp and I have made a bunch of videos for Catalyst, Northpoint, and our own video podcast on iTunes. Click the Videos tab above to check them out.
3. Read the comments. My favorite aspect of this site is the comments section. My goal with any post is to merely get the conversation started, and let the readers fuel the laughter with their comments. So far it seems to be working…
Again, thanks for stopping by. Quick Tyler, think of a discrete way to ask them to subscribe. Hmmm. Let’s see…no, that won’t work. What if I…no. I got nothing. I think I’m just going to go with the “feel free” approach.
If you like what you’ve seen, feel free to SUBSCRIBE.
DON’T FORGET: Tomorrow I’m guest posting on stuffchristianslike.net. Be sure to go there and check it out. My post here tomorrow should also serve as a reminder. Also, I’m still posting a Weekly Six tomorrow…you’re just going to have to scroll down to see it.
But for now, the ongoing list of peeves continues…
“I need a couple of strong backs”
Does anyone else scan the room when they hear this, hoping there are two or three “stronger backs” in the mix? This is the one time in life that you want to be perceived as weak. I have gone into a full-on debate with my brothers as to how much stronger they are than me (even throwing out bench press numbers) while my grandmother moved the sleeper sofa upstairs by herself.
Escalator Handrails Faster than Escalator Stairs
I feel like the handrail guys and stair guys should be on the same page by now. Why can’t they get in sync? Is it a scientific impossibility? Or do they do it on purpose and just sit in the food court watching us, laughing at those of us who, instead of merely changing hand position, arrive at the top at a 45° angle with our head resting on some random dude’s lower back.
Hug Slaps
There are people in my life that use the hug as an opportunity to punish. I’m not sure what I did wrong in our last encounter, but is the open-palm lower back slap communicating what you think it’s communicating? Once I’ve identified the hug slappers in my circle of friends, I make it a point to implement an across-the-room hello-shout next time we hang out. What? You’re in the middle of an important conversation? Doesn’t matter. Nothing could be more important than us establishing a verbal greeting into our relationship.
Phone Guilt Trips
If I had a nickel for every time I heard “Tyler never answers his phone” or “Tyler is the worst at calling people back”, I’d have a butt load of nickels. While it may very well be true, I don’t need the pressure of feeling like our relationship hinges on the promptness of my callback. And Gary, how would you like it if I said “Gary is the worst at tennis” or “Gary never loses weight” in a group of people?
Wearing Without Washing
I got some new shirts last week and, in my excitement, wore them without the ceremonial first wash. Not only do they have that deformation on the chest where the Medium sticker was, but they smell terrible. What is that, Old Spice? No…Sears.
Discuss.
Last night Amy and I went on a date to this place where we had a $25 gift card. We soon found out that it could only be used if we spent over $50. So when it was all said and done, we ended up paying $38 for the privilege of using said $25 gift card. In the midst of deciding I’d never go back there, I started to think of some other things that can ruin a perfectly good dining experience.
Over-Excited Employee
Bro, I appreciate the enthusiasm. But I’m never going to be as excited about this sandwich as you are. Please stop making me feel guilty for my standard level of excitement. Culprit: Lenny’s
Damp Tables
Thank you for wiping my table down. But try wringing out your washcloth next time. I’d rather not eat with wet shirt sleeves. By the way, did that washcloth used to be white? Apparently you’re wiping my table down with a mixture of water, ketchup, baby spit up, and butt sweat (they wipe the seats with those same washcloths, you know). Culprit: Taco Mac
The Shrimp Toss
Having a Japanese chef toss a shrimp in your mouth is incredible when you’re 12. It’s less incredible when you’re on a date with your fiancé. And to all the chefs out there – once it’s bounced off my top lip and onto the floor, there’s no need to keep trying. I’ve already lost my dignity. Please stop kicking me while I’m down by adding more sauce marks to my face. Culprit: Nagano
No Free Refills
Your sign that reads “No Free Refills” should instead say “Thank you for your last visit with us” because I’m never coming back. Culprit: Office Depot
The Lean Down
No offense, but I need you to be my waiter, not my pal. I don’t need you to squat down to get on my level. My neck can handle looking up for a half-minute. And don’t you dare slide in the booth with me. Culprit: Outback
The Menu Novel
There are some restaurants where it would have been better to order the menu off of Amazon and read it before I came than to spend the first half-hour of Date Night wading through the 83 different appetizers selections. Culprit: The Cheesecake Factory
Charging to Split
Guess how we’re able to afford going to fancy restaurants (besides fasting for three days prior)? You guessed it – splitting an entree. When I find out they charge to share, I turn the rest of the meal into a covert operation, sneaking bites of “my wife’s meal” when the waitress isn’t looking. Culprit: Fancy Restaurants
Water Punishment
If I have the discipline to order water, don’t treat me like a lesser human. Is it really necessary to give me a mouthwash-sized, clear cup? I can’t even fit one cube of ice in there. Culprit: Panera
What ruins a restaurant experience for you?
One of the most awkward situations in life is running into a person who has left you a message that you haven’t returned. Most of the time they will just pretend like the phone call never happened. Other times, though, they’ll stare deep into your soul and broach the subject with vigor – Hey, did you get that message I left you? After the full-body sweat kicks in, I search my arsenal of excuses for the most appropriate one.
“Did you get a new number?”
You must say this phrase while pulling out the phone to scroll through recent calls with a confused look on your face to ensure maximum believability. You’re letting the person know that this was definitely a phone malfunction (sometimes it does this, you insist) and was in no way intentional. Before this person can probe any deeper, you need to ask for the “new” number and start programming it in.
“I’ve been meaning to, but I’ve been so busy.”
This is the lamest of excuses, but surprisingly acceptable. You convey the notion that calling this person back has constantly been in the back of your mind, but you were physically unable to make it happen. This explanation requires the ability to do two things at once – while you’re saying this, you must also be forming a list in your head of all the things that made you busy (you know, incase he asks).
“I knew I’d be seeing you.”
This is more of a panic reaction than a well-crafted excuse. Use this when you accidentally run into someone who is expecting a call back. Be careful of the context though. It can really backfire.
Neil: Hey Tyler! Say, did you get that message I left you last month?
Me: Oh…yeah. I, uh, didn’t call back cause I knew I’d be seeing you here. I was right!
Neil: You knew you’d be seeing me at a grocery store?
Me: Y-Yes…I…sure did. I know how much you love groceries.
Neil: So when you heard my message, you immediately thought, Instead of just calling Neil back, I’ll just drive up to Publix every now and then and see if I don’t run into him.
Me: Unconventional, huh?
“I got a new phone.”
While you may not have gotten a new phone in the time since the message was left, you have gotten a new phone at some point in your life. It’s a stretch, but you’d be surprised by its effectiveness.
What excuses do you use in this situation? I need some fresh ideas.
Oh, and what do you think of the different colored headings? Should I keep doing it?
I’m taking today off. I still want you to laugh though, so here’s an outtake from our World Class Apologists video that we made for Catalyst.
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