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Male Insecurity Test

May 5th, 2009 - Uncategorized - 11 Comments »

Here are 7 sure-fire ways to tell if a man is insecure (sorry for letting the cat out of the bag, guys):

1. Is he constantly implementing the touch flex? Grabbing his arm in the bicep/tricep region triggers an immediate flex in an attempt to show you that his arm is always like that. Try to get him to speak. He won’t – he’s holding his breath for maximum results.

2. Does he adamantly declare “I’m off today” when underperforming in sports? He just wants to make sure you know that this is not how it normally goes down. He normally makes zero mistakes and is perfect.

3. Does he constantly disclose how sore he is? We’ve all been there. He joins the conversation with a loud, uncomfortable sigh, and you have no choice but to ask him what’s wrong. He’ll spend the next ten minutes giving you a play-by-play of his last 3 bench sets and how sore they have made him.

4. Can he steer any conversation back to his glory days?

Co-Worker: Did you get that memo I faxed you yesterday?
Insecure Guy: Wow. That is crazy.
CW: What? It was about our new accounting policy.
IG: No…wow. The way you said that…
CW: [Confused]
IG: …it’s just…you sounded just like that home plate umpire after I hit that game-winning dinger.
CW: Ok…great job. About that fa-
IG: It was against Central. We took region that night. Anyway, what were you saying?

5. Is he wearing his fraternity t-shirt right now? This is the young professional version of wearing your high school letter jacket in college. Bro, it’s time. Take it off, put it in a trash bag, and take it to Goodwill.

6. Does he go to the tanning bed to get a “base tan”? Don’t believe what he tells you. He’s not worried about getting sunburned. He’s worried about not looking awesome when he takes his shirt off. Base tan…unbelievable.

7. Are his biceps bigger than his thighs? I wonder what this guy does at the gym? Cardio? A full-body routine? No. This guy’s paying $30/month in membership fees to use a curl bar. Dude, it’s working, but you look really weird.

I’ll be honest. I am guilty of a few of these. What are some other ways to identify male insecurity?

  • Blake

    Guilty 6 out of 7. I no longer have fraternity shirts.

    #8 Could be his facebook/ myspace profile picture consist of several flexing shirtless action shots… like Maverick playing volleyball.

  • http://davidarmin.wordpress.com David Robertson

    Does he always have to step in and help “correctly” build the bonfire?

  • http://jodydeming.wordpress.com Jody

    Tyler,

    Great post. #8 He comments on other people’s blogs…Wait, never mind, not a good comment. I’m a little off today. Remember my comment on your Michael Cera post? Man, that was a great time…

  • Bryan

    2 through 4 are absolutely genius and I have the EXACT person in mind who does them all.

  • Leigh

    We girls know about the touch flex thing. We laugh at “touch flexers” behind their backs. Last week my 15 year old described a guy to her friend as “You know. The one that always flexes when you touch his arm.” No lie. The touch-flexer seems to have no minimum or maxium age.

    I think Kenny Chesney ascribes to all Male Insecurity tests on your list and I add: cowboy boots to make him 3 inches taller than he actually is and the ‘perma-hat’ to hide his bare noggin. Luckily as an entertainer he can wear hats at all times when being filmed or photographed.

  • Lacey

    Tyler,
    I am curious as to which flaws you are guilty of.
    The thigh/bicep thing?
    Fake tan?
    Maybe I just haven’t seen you in a while.

  • Pingback: Male Insecurity Test « JOSHcalkins’s Blog: Fresh off the mind

  • Kyle

    First of all, mom made me go get that base tan. but number 8 is definitely the guy who walks around the house, or anywhere, with his shirt off when he knows that ladies are around cuz he knows he looks good. Also, Dave’s was THE perfect example. I love being pushed out of the way at world changers by a guy who properly knows how to measure the size of a window.

  • http://trippcrosby.com Tripp Crosby

    The Minor Incident Hero:

    You’ll see this guy stepping in to save situations like slow service at a restaurant and fender benders. Usually he’s easy to spot. He’ll either be talking trash to an innocent person or telling everyone to stand back so that he can assess the situation.

  • Becka

    Tyler – you crack me up! Thanks for sharing your crazy thoughts so that we can have a good laugh!

  • fireboy48

    I, personally, am guilty of nothing on this list. It has nothing to do with percieved security, however. I have no glory days to relive, I'm too lazy to work out enough to have massive biceps, I didn't go to college and I'm entirely to uncoordinated to play sports. I know this guy though. If I wasn't so secure in my own insecurity, I'd say he was kinda of a douche.