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DBTG: The Inadvertent Doorman

May 6th, 2009 - Don't Be That Guy - 6 Comments »

This actually happened to me at Starbucks the other day (at least this is what I think was happening).

Me: Oh look – someone’s coming. I think I’ll hold the door open for him. After all, I am awesome.

Guy: That guy couldn’t be holding the door open for me, could he? I’m like 60 yards away.

Me: Hmm. That dude’s a lot farther away than I thought. This was a mistake. Is it OK to unhold the door?

Guy: Do I need to walk faster? What’s the proper etiquette here? Is a mild jog acceptable?

Me: I don’t think he sees me. I think it’s OK to unhold as long as we don’t make eye con- Dangit! We just made eye contact. I think I’m stuck here for the long haul.

Guy: Wait, is this guy mad at me? He seems mad. How do I feel guilty right now?

Me: Would looking at my watch be too obvious? There has got to be a way to speed this up.

Guy: Is he actually pulling the watch-look? People do that? There’s no way he cares about what time it is. He’s just messing with me. I’ll show him. Whoops – looks like I need to tie my shoe…right now.

Me: No! What the… OK, this is… I can’t stand this guy!

Guy: Let’s see, I think I’ll just twirl the ol’ keys a little, just to make sure that jerk knows how little of a hurry I’m in.

Me: Are you kidding me!? Just walk through the freaking door, you monster! Relieve me from this bondage!

Guy: OK, here we go. It’s time to enter.

Me: Almost done here, Tyler. You’ve done well. Just exchange pleasantries and be on your way.

Guy: Hey. How’s it going?

Me: Nothing much.

Me: Son of a-

  • http://bryanallain.com/blog bryan a

    dude, that’s hilarious. I seriously have this issue all the time. If the person is 20 feet behind you it is such a tough decision. Do you stand and wait and force them to hurry up? Usually I pull the “I am just going to pretend like I don’t see you, but I’m also going to put a look on my face that says ‘iam in a rush to something important’” and I’ll just let the door close behind me and hope that they bought it.

    then again, I always hate it when people hold the door open for me and I’m 20 feet away, so maybe I’m making the right choice.

    Oh, and here’s another classic. Ever have somebody follow you through a set of double doors? If you are the one opening both the first and second door, i hate it when they say “thank you” for each door. I really want to explain to them, “listen, you said Thank You after the first door, so I know that you are a kind and grateful person who is aware of the proper social etiquette in this situation. Being a smart and considerate person, I already applied your initial thank you to both doors, so there was no need for the second.” I’ve never actually said that though, because that would be awkward.

  • Lacey

    Wow – kindness pushes you right through the door to cursing.

  • Bryan

    The awkwardness it totally worth it for me as long as I get to think I’m super awesome for holding the door and even humble for saying, “No problem” when I’m thanked.

  • nate

    for my money, this is your funniest post

  • http://www.stephenbateman.com Stephen Bateman

    holding doors is frustrating…pulling it off with style is just difficult.

  • Brian

    I heard a quote at some point from someone (great citation, eh?) that basically said, “I love holding the door for other people. It’s the only time you can make other people run and then thank you for it.”