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Proper Greeting Etiquette

May 8th, 2009 - Uncategorized - 9 Comments »

Knowing the proper greeting to choose is one of life’s biggest stressors. This is an attempt to help alleviate that tension and guide you towards a correct decision (in order of intimacy).

The Neck Snap – This is a quick, aggressive look away after you’ve inadvertently made eye contact. Use this when you see old or annoying acquaintances, such as that Dorito-lover from high school that you sat next to in Language Arts or the long-talker that you run into at the grocery store.

The Head Nod – You can go one of two ways here: The Upper or the Downer. The Upper (accompanied by an exaggerated eyebrow lift) says What’s up? but eliminates the need for actual conversation. The Downer (accompanied by a minor frown) tells the recipient that you’re glad to have crossed paths and that you approve of his shirt choice.

The Handshake – I can’t overemphasize the importance a good handshake. If someone pulls a quick-grab on me (where he grabs my fingers, causing me to curl my hand upward, as though he is about to kiss it and I am about to curtsy), I immediately call for a do-over. A little bit of awkwardness here is better than letting him go through the day thinking those thoughts about me.

The Female Handshake – This one is tricky. As a matter of fact, I haven’t found a plan that works. I usually go in with the limp wrist in order to communicate to her that I respect her gender’s daintiness. Without fail though, she comes in with a fierce man-shake, letting me know that my sexism won’t fly. Then I’m forced to make a tough decision. Do I risk the embarrassment of a mid-shake squeeze, or do I stick to the limp wrist and sacrifice the rest of the conversation due to internal self-loathing?

The Five-and-a-Half – This is a right-handed sideways five with a left-armed wrap-around half-hug. Never switch sides on this. If you do, you will confuse your partner and end up giving each other a three and wrapping around into each other’s face. Oh, and never try this with a female. There’s just too much at stake.

The Embrace – Once you’ve reached hugging status, use them wisely. They are only appropriate as bookends to your encounter – once at the greeting, and once at the closing. Using them between the bookends, such as when your friend gets back from the bathroom or before you get in the car together, will jeopardize your relationship and take you back to head nod status.

Any others that I’m leaving out?

  • http://www.everettbracken.com Ev

    T-Bone, you have inadvertently revealed the level of intimacy in our relationship. I would like to think that we are at “five-and-a-half” status. Can you give me some feedback on that?

  • http://bryanallain.com/blog bryan a

    what’s interesting is that the “Five and a Half” was invented out of necessity. For years and years awkward situations would arise when one dude would go in for the Handshake and the other would go in for The Embrace. This created a split-second battle between the Embrace and the Handshake that is almost always won by The Embrace. I guess the reason is, if the Handshake wins then the Embracer is basically being told ‘get away from me you vile beast’. And if you like someone enough to shake their hand, you probably don’t want to crush their soul like that, so you give in to the Embrace.

    But, in comes the Five and a Half. Now either guy is free to leave it at just a five, add in the half hug, or go all the way and complete the embrace. It’s a better way to live.

  • http://kevinkeigley.wordpress.com/ Kevin

    What about the slap on the bum greeting? That is how my dentist always greets me when I meet him at his van for my appointment. I never remember much after that…

  • Leigh

    This may fall more under the DBTG category but whaddup with the kiss on the cheek guy? (do they just kiss women?) He tends to be a secular yankee that lives in Buckhead and travels around in an Acura selling group health insurance . . . but at engagement parties, Christmas gatherings, and cookouts he always gives a kiss on the cheek hello. That freaks me out a little and I struggle not to wipe my face with my hand immediately.

    Then after a few solo cups he moves a little closer to the jaw for the kiss goodbye. I’m gonna duck next time I encounter him.

  • http://www.tylerthigpen.com Tyler

    What about the blank stare?

    Granted, it’s much less popular in the South, but there is the phenomenon whereby one’s eyes will meet those of another and their facial expression simply will not change. While this is an authentic form of recognition, it may not fall under your category of “greeting.”

    I actually like the blank stare.

  • nate

    this one only applies to those in ministry or who do not want the reputation of a creeper. what about the patented, stiff arm to the opposite shoulder into a graceful side hug with a younger member of the opposite sex?

    there’s also the “mom hug”- where i lean over real far so i don’t have to feel her boobs.

  • http://bulldawgnelson.blogspot.com/ Griffin

    What about the wink? Someone you’re not quite sure you know gives you a quick wink. You feel like you’ve been let in on a secret, but you aren’t sure what it is. Then you start wandering, was my eye twitching, and he thought I was winking? It will leave you questioning yourself.

  • http://www.ilovemrpibb.blogspot.com Greta

    Nate, that’s gross.

  • Joey

    Did you forget about the “fist bump”? You know, from people who are striving to be cool, but who don’t realize that they are at least 8 years behind the times. However, the fist bump is an alternative to a handshake in flu and cold season, when you just don’t trust who is and who isn’t washing their hands enough.