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Movie Commandments

May 12th, 2009 - Uncategorized - 15 Comments »

movie

Thou shalt never miss previews.
The previews are just as important as the movie itself (if not more). I’ve broken a number of traffic laws and ruined several friendships just to make sure I get there to see them. If I happen to miss them, I sink into a mild depression that lasts at least a third of the movie.

Thou shalt leave a space.
When guys go to the movies together, the seating dilemma always arises. Do I choose the seat right next to him? I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. Should I leave a seat in between? Will that appear homophobic? Let me clear this issue up once and for all. Leave a space. If it’s crowded, act like you’re saving it for someone else. Or, like me, you can obsess over sitting down first so your friend has to make the decision.

Thou shalt take advantage of the darkness.
I like to grab a handful of popcorn, start at the heel of my hand (with the majority of the handful resting on my nose), and funnel the popcorn into my chomping mouth. No one dared me to do it like that. I just like it that way. The post-movie walk into the lobby is always a little embarrassing as the light finally reveals the collection of kernels all over my torso.

Thou shalt shut your freaking mouth.
Under no circumstances is it OK to tap me on the shoulder and ask me where you’ve seen that actor before. I didn’t come here for that. I specifically invited you to come in hopes that there would be no social interaction whatsoever. How rude are you?

Thou shalt never get up.
I would rather get a bladder infection than go to the bathroom during the middle of a movie. Not only would you miss out on some key plot development, but with how much you paid for your ticket, those precious three minutes come out to be worth around $7. I can’t even tell you how many second halves of movies I’ve sat through in pure misery.

What needs to be added to the movie commandments? Discuss.

  • http://kevinkeigley.wordpress.com/ Kevin

    Thou Shalt Not Kick the Crap Out of the Back of My Seat.
    After becoming fully absorbed in a movie, whisked away even, there can be nothing more jolting that to have some dude pounding on the back of your seat with his ginormous knees. The best thing to do in this situation is to first, sigh loudly with a slight look over your shoulder. Next, if it continues, you can actually turn around — but do NOT make eye contact, look only at the offender’s legs. It is at that time that you need to determine if you could take the guy or not in a street fight. If you think you can, feel free to turn back around and make eye contact and prepare for potential victory or battle. If you think you will get thumped, think of the kicking as an interactive part of the movie.

  • Lacey

    Thou Shalt Not Sit In Front of Me When the Theatre is Empty.
    Come on – there are a hundred other seats open and you choose to sit directly in front of MY seat?

  • PrincipalWarren

    Thou Shalt Not Applaud at the End of the Movie.

    I have never understood the desire to applaud at the end of a movie. I live in central PA. Pretty sure that no one even remotely related to someone associated with the film is in the theater. So who are you applauding? Do you also applaud a comfortable pair of shoes after a long day of walking around an amusement park? I think not.

    A possible exception to this would be if you were first willing to stand up at the end of the movie and say, “Excuse me! May I have everyone’s attention? Is there anyone in this theater who has any association with the production of this film?” Then, if someone says that he does, then you may say, “Sir, I applaud you.” Then, you may clap. But, it should be a slow clap.

  • http://www.douglake.blogspot.com D.Lake

    Thou shalt not bring your elementary or infant children to a rated R movie. It’s not respectful of those going to the movies without their children – maybe as a get away. Besides it’s about age appropriateness.

    A family brought their 5 year old to Passion of the Christ. During the whole movie the child asked … What does that say? … for two hours! Say it with me- AGE APPROPRIATE!

  • Leigh

    Thou shalt not lose your tooth while biting into a watermelon Now N Later, lose said Tooth N Candy under the seat, and miss out the the $ the tooth fairy might have brought.

    Not that that ever happened to me.

  • http://bryanallain.com/blog bryan a

    Thou Shalt Not Sit in the back half of the Theater.
    What’s the point of sitting that far back? If I wanted to watch something on a small screen, I would have stayed home, where the popcorn costs 50 cents and I can make out with my wife without people yelling “get a room!” at me. I sit as close as I can to the screen so that I can see the whole thing without moving my head back and forth. Heck, they charge more to sit closer at every live event you go to, and you pay the extra money to sit close. Why on earth would you sit in the way back (unless you were trying to make out without getting berated).

    Thou Shalt Not Walk Into the Movie after it’s started and Sit Next To me
    I spent good a lot of energy looking detestable and scary when the lights were on to ensure i’d have my space. Now you’re going to waltz in here after completely disregarding the sanctity of the previews and park your tardy tuckus right beside me? I think not. Not without me forcing out some gas, anyways.

  • Kyle

    Thou shalt not think your funny during the movie:
    It’s ok to make jokes at a restaurant or while or while your at the park but not so much in the movie theater. Im not a big fan of the guy that tries to comment on EVERY preview that he sees. And if he gets one chuckle or anything he will continue on into the movie. Which brings me to my next commandment…

    Thou shalt not laugh at the joke maker in the theater
    I admit i have laughed before but I made a mistake. Because he kept saying stuff that was not funny. But since I assured him of his humerous movie theater joke the first time, he is going to keep going. Mistake…

  • http://www.everettbracken.com Ev

    first of all, T-funny, i hate to air our dirty laundry here in public, but i feel it is necessary in this situation. i feel so used by you right now. you asked me to go see star trek with you, i assumed, because we are friends. but now i see that it was only so you could do this post. how could you?

    i saw how you quickly went to a seat in order to make me have to choose whether to leave a space or not. it was no problem for me, because i knew that everyone was watching us as we walked in to see if we were gay. when there are only two guys, everyone wants to know if they are gay, because then they can tell all their friends about the “gay couple” they saw at the movie theater. i left a space in between us, which immediately disappointed everyone else in theater.

  • Bryan

    Thou shalt pre-budget $7 for movie-theater popcorn. C’mon, it’s worth it.

  • http://www.funnygames.co.nz/play/the-urinal-game Kunte Kente

    The seating commandment is applicable to urinals as well. See for yourself: http://www.funnygames.co.nz/play/the-urinal-game

  • Patty

    That popcorn eating technique must be taught to all males at some time in their lives because that is exactly how my husband eats and now my son does the same. In talking with a friend it turns out her husband eats popcorn the same way. What is up with that?

  • http://davidarmin.wordpress.com David Robertson

    I’m waiting to see if Pee-Wee Herman is going to chime in on this post. I hear he has a good one.

  • http://volcrazy.livejournal.com bradervin

    Thou Shalt Not Walk Into the Theater on Opening Night of the latest Blockbuster and Ask me to scoot down so you can sit next to your “date” because there are only singles left, when I’ve been here for over an hour standing in line and then holding my own Seat and you just walked in as the titles are rolling!

  • http://www.nolangottlieb.com Nolan

    Thou Shalt Not Watch any movie starring Nicolas Cage..

  • David

    Thou Can Eat Thoust (?) Popcorn Like That Provided You Don’t Make One Peep of a Sound and Ruin MY Movie-Going Experience.