No One Prepared Me For This
May 14th, 2009 - Uncategorized - 6 Comments »If you're new here, click here to subscribe. And click here for The Essentials.
I feel like I’ve been duped. The only complaints I’ve ever heard about hair and growing old are that it falls out or turns grey. That’s what all the dads are joking about and the billboards are promising to fix. What about the other pitfalls, though? Who is addressing those?
No one told me I’d need to blow dry my eye brows.
June 18, 2004 – the day my life changed forever. I was doing a quick side glance and noticed something that didn’t seem possible. Is that an eyebrow hair? Couldn’t be. Surely it was just some head hair that fell off and is just resting on my brow. Let me just… wait… is it connected? It IS an eyebrow hair! Holy- All of the sudden the Wonder Years song started playing in my head and I had a saddening realization – that I would one day be the massive eyebrow guy (you know who I’m talking about).
No one told me it would show up like an uninvited house guest.
I now grow hair on the tops of my ears and nose. Not in them or out of them. On them. How did this happen? I try to leave an eight foot cushion between me and whoever I’m talking to so they’re not thinking “Wow. You can grow hair there?” the whole time. I guess it’s not that bad. I was never able to have a flat top as a kid, so now I get to have one on my ears.
No one told me I could braid my toe hair.
Everyone gets so excited for flip-flop season to begin. I hate it. I’m the dude wearing New Balances when he lays out (not that I lay out, of course). I just get tired of the same old question. Wait a minute. You grow hair on the underside of your toes? No, no I don’t. That’s just my toe hair wrapping itself around my toe three times. And no, I haven’t thought about joining the circus or charging admission to see them. Moron.
No one told me about the dreaded connection.
I’m not sure when it happened. All I know is that it did. My beard started connecting to my chest hair. Now when I shave, I have to pick a line. As if I don’t have enough decisions to make in life – now this one? I know a lot of other guys suffer from this same plight, which is why I like to go to the beach and make fun of the lines that are too high or too low. It’s therapeutic.
What else? What weren’t you prepared for? And for the love, keep it above the belt.
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I did not expect the little patch of lower back hair, just above the shorts. I like to refer to is as the rabbit’s tail.
PS- I love how your blog ads are, something for a “Stanton” ink cartridges, and people moving to “Tyler” Texas. Boy do you have google fooled.
Tyler, I can’t believe you would write about body hair. Have you seen me? I’m like Sasquatch. I can grow hair on every part of my body except the very top of my head (I guess my hair doesn’t realize I am 6′2″. If I were 6′ even, my entire body would be covered in hair). I remember when I was 15 and some friends and I were making fun of a guy who had back hair. Now I’m the guy with that back hair. Karma.
The neck hair that attaches to your back hair is the worst. You cant see it so how do you know when it is really bad. I just have to let it grow until the guy behind you in line at the pets mart compares you to his labradoodle. Then I have to go home and get the girlfriend to shave it. Kinda awkward the first time I asked her…
So glad I missed out on this Stanton gene
i can grow hair the entire circumference of my neck, on my shoulders, its beginning to make cameos on the middle (not top or bottom, mind you, but the unacceptable middle) of my back, and this morning i shaved my ears. i was so proud to have a beard to shave in 8th grade- ignorance is bliss.
similarly, my upper thigh looks like Teen Wolf.