(Today’s Saturday Morning Guest Post is from Bryan Allain, my new blog friend. You might recognize that name from the funnier-than-my-post comments he leaves here.)
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All you wanted to do was take a quick leak so you could get back to your Google Reader. But there he was, brushing his teeth in the work bathroom sink like he owned the place. It bothered you, didn’t it? Well, it bothered me too, and here’s why.

The Spectacle – Everyone I know brushes once in the morning and once at night. Adding in a third brushing is fine, but why not after dinner in the privacy of your own home? This guy is not concerned with having clean teeth; he’s concerned with you thinking he has clean teeth.

The Particles – Hey buddy, do you smell that? That’s the smell of feces and urine. You don’t smell it at home because your toilet only gets flushed 10 times a day. But here at work, all five of these toilets see 10 flushes in an hour. So go ahead, keep brushing with your proprietary blend of Aquafresh and human waste. And excuse me while I gag.

The Spit – You know what’s grosser than brushing your teeth with peepaste? Spitting all over the sink I’m about to use. Oh, you think splashing some water around is going to get rid of all your spit germs? Sorry buddy, I’ve seen Dateline too many times. You might as well spit your poopaste foam directly onto my hands.

The Squatting – The work bathroom experience should be handled like an armed robbery. You get in and out as fast as you can, preferably without getting ID’ed.  Not this guy, though. He sets up his own personal hygienic station at the scene of the crime. Today he’s brushing his teeth; tomorrow he’s soaking his feet in the sink. If you don’t think he’s trying to get his whole office moved into Stall #3, think again.

The Brush – Does this guy commute with his toothbrush or does he keep a separate one at work? If he’s commuting, he probably carries it in his pocket where it rubs up against dirty pennies and lint all day. If he has a separate work toothbrush, you know he just throws in into a drawer next to his grimy stapler.  Either way, it would be healthier to brush your teeth with a rabid dog’s tail then it would be to use that nasty toothbrush.

So here’s the deal. If you’re a work teeth-brusher, now’s your chance to come clean.

And if you’ve got your own work bathroom pet peeves, this is a safe place to air your grievances.