8 Restaurant Ruiners
May 27th, 2009 - Uncategorized - 22 Comments »Last night Amy and I went on a date to this place where we had a $25 gift card. We soon found out that it could only be used if we spent over $50. So when it was all said and done, we ended up paying $38 for the privilege of using said $25 gift card. In the midst of deciding I’d never go back there, I started to think of some other things that can ruin a perfectly good dining experience.
Over-Excited Employee
Bro, I appreciate the enthusiasm. But I’m never going to be as excited about this sandwich as you are. Please stop making me feel guilty for my standard level of excitement. Culprit: Lenny’s
Damp Tables
Thank you for wiping my table down. But try wringing out your washcloth next time. I’d rather not eat with wet shirt sleeves. By the way, did that washcloth used to be white? Apparently you’re wiping my table down with a mixture of water, ketchup, baby spit up, and butt sweat (they wipe the seats with those same washcloths, you know). Culprit: Taco Mac
The Shrimp Toss
Having a Japanese chef toss a shrimp in your mouth is incredible when you’re 12. It’s less incredible when you’re on a date with your fiancé. And to all the chefs out there – once it’s bounced off my top lip and onto the floor, there’s no need to keep trying. I’ve already lost my dignity. Please stop kicking me while I’m down by adding more sauce marks to my face. Culprit: Nagano
No Free Refills
Your sign that reads “No Free Refills” should instead say “Thank you for your last visit with us” because I’m never coming back. Culprit: Office Depot
The Lean Down
No offense, but I need you to be my waiter, not my pal. I don’t need you to squat down to get on my level. My neck can handle looking up for a half-minute. And don’t you dare slide in the booth with me. Culprit: Outback
The Menu Novel
There are some restaurants where it would have been better to order the menu off of Amazon and read it before I came than to spend the first half-hour of Date Night wading through the 83 different appetizers selections. Culprit: The Cheesecake Factory
Charging to Split
Guess how we’re able to afford going to fancy restaurants (besides fasting for three days prior)? You guessed it – splitting an entree. When I find out they charge to share, I turn the rest of the meal into a covert operation, sneaking bites of “my wife’s meal” when the waitress isn’t looking. Culprit: Fancy Restaurants
Water Punishment
If I have the discipline to order water, don’t treat me like a lesser human. Is it really necessary to give me a mouthwash-sized, clear cup? I can’t even fit one cube of ice in there. Culprit: Panera
What ruins a restaurant experience for you?
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I thought I was the only one offended by the lean down. Heaven forbid that a cute waitress slide into the booth with me. That just makes me feel like a lonely, desperate little man. Then I’m torn on wether to leave a good tip later… I hate to send mixed signals. Hey lady… I enjoyed the bean dip and the speedy refills… really that’s all.
when did Office Depot become a restaurant?
five thoughts (with links because I’m a terrible person)
1. i’ve never been told it will be extra to share a meal. i think i would laugh in the waiter’s face if i was told that. (note: i wouldnt really do this because I’m a pushover)
2. My #1 biggest waiter pet peeve is when they take your order without a pad. Oooh, you’re so cool with your memory skills! Listen here, bucko. If you screw up even one thing on my order, not only will I bring it up, but I will suggest you write it down like a “real waiter”. (note: i wouldnt really do this because I’m a pushover) [full blog entry on this here]
3. My #2 biggest waiter pet peeve is the expression “can i get that out of your way?” Here’s what I said in this blog post, “Look, maybe my plate’s not in my way, ok. in fact, if it was in my way, i would have moved it out of my way. you know why? because i have hands, and that’s what hands do, they move stuff out of my way. So next time stick with ‘are you done with this?’ or ‘are we all finished here?’, but please don’t insult me or my hands with your cute little phrases.”
4. Tyler, I feel bad about a 5-point list in someone’s comments, but I cant help it. You’ve touched on too many nerves today.
5. Finally, all i can say about the shrimp toss is that if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. I’ve been keeping stats on this for the past 10 years and I’m 27 for 28 in shrimp toss mouth catching. I pride myself on being one of the best mouth-catchers in the country. As for that one drop, like I said on my blog back in ’02, it was a combination of a rookie chef and losing it in the lights. I swear.
Free Sample Guilt:
I’m too nice to say no to your persistent “shoving a toothpick with teryaki chicken in my face.” I’m going to eat it it and leave with a smile and not buy anything from you. I might even walk by you again to get another free sample, but I’m still going to bypass you for Chick-Fil-A. Don’t make me feel like you can no longer feed your family of four without my business.
Culprit: Every Chinese Mall Food Court Restaurant
1. I can’t stand the “are you sure you don’t want to double your order by getting the next sized combo for just an additional 30 cents, because only a cheapskate would hold on to that 30 cents, I mean, it’s just 30 cents right there buddy?” Culprit: too many to name.
2. I’m not a big fan of the “I told the hostess not to sit anyone else in my section because I get off in 10 minutes” waiter either.
Oh, I hate the water punishment too. Why am I being penalized for consuming a healthy beverage?
And . . . . Why do you have to be under 12 years old to order from the children’s menu? If all I want to eat is two chicken tenders instead of the obesity-inducing eight on the adult menu, why can’t I order for those two tenders and pay the lower price? I am willing to eat the smaller amount of food. It’s what i want. Really. It’s my money. It’s not as if you are making a larger portion size because I am over the age limit. Just give me what I am paying for.
How about when the waiter/waitress won’t recommend anything. Let’s say you are torn between two items. Both seem good but you want to make sure you have all the info. You turn to your waiter/waitress for quidance, but they just give you the old “Everything’s good”. Look, I can appreciate that you don’t want to disparage any of your restaurant’s food. But really, you have to like something here. Just tell me your fave! I want your opinion because you deal with this food all the time. Is that too much to ask?
the damp table drives me nuts too.
how about this one, “sweatheart”: every time you call me by a pet name that either creeps me out or makes me feel like i’m 6, you lose a dollar off your tip, “sugar.”
also, hot waitresses, quit hitting on me all the time. its embarrassing.
as long as the waiter/waitress keeps bringing me raspberry lemonade refills, I’m going to keep on drinking…This causes many bathroom trips. But then I get upset if I’m not getting my refills!
True Story:
Toddler footprints on the table I am offered. Apparently Junior wanted to look out the window while his parents ate.
Me: Whoa. Are those footprints?
Hostess: (wiping the table with the yellow rag) Oh yeah, sorry.
Me: Uh, I don’t want to sit here now.
Hostess: (as if I’m the crazy one) okaaaaay.
I’m not eating Toe Jam Tacos.
The Booth Scoot Boogie
I am particularly annoyed when restaurant booths are not properly secured to the floor, or the backs are not properly supported. When the person sitting in the booth behind me leans, laughs, or lunges, I get thrown toward my food.
Sometimes, I even push back. No, not really. I would feel too guilty. I just fester with irritation.
Culprit: El Chico’s
Robin- I hate that too. Especially when the table is bolted down and the booths are disproportionate lengths from the table. I always end up on the side where there is 7 feet between me and the cheese dip.
I also hate the “Over-Exited Employee.” You know, they keep leaving the restaurant, probably to take a smoke break or get some real food. Wait, maybe you meant “Over-Excited Employee.” My bad.
Wow. It took me a while to understand this, but then I realized you were talking about my huge spelling error. I hate when I do that. Thanks for pointing it out.
Quick question. You had a 25 dollar gift card for a purchase of 50 dollars or more and you didnt use it and spent 38 dollars? Why didnt you buy 12 more dollars worth of food and get it for 13 dollars cheaper? You could have taken it home. I hope im wrong and your smarter than this T. I really do…
Kyle-
We did use it. We had to spend $50 (before tax and tip), so we ended up paying $63 (our $38 + $25 gift card). It’s pretty complicated, I know.
Dude, I am with you on the “Lean Down” thing. I can’t stand it when servers do that.
Also, why did I just use the word “servers?” It’s not like they are serving me. I mean, yeah, they bring me my food and drink and check, but that’s it. They aren’t going out and washing my car or anything. So the “service” is restricted to the restaurant and delivery of said products.
I think I’m gonna start calling them “bringers.” Who’s with me?
http://simon.saintdepraved.com/words/prose/smoking.htm
Ok, here’s the deal. The wife and kids come and pick me up from work so we can have lunch together. We arrive at the restaurant – Bennigan’s – right as they are opening, right at 11 AM.
Needless to say – but of course I will say it – we are the first one there.
So, we go in, meet the Maître d’, and request a non-smoking table – for my pregnant wife and three kids and myself – with one highchair.
So we wait for the guy to go get our table ready.
Now remember, we are the ONLY people there.
So, after way to long the guy comes back to let us know that our table is ready.
“Please follow me.”
We follow.
The guy shows us our table. And what a table it is. Not only is it the closest table to the kitchen, but also it is the closest table to the BAR, the only place in this joint where you can smoke.
Just so you know, I don’t think all restaurants should be non-smoking. There are a good many restaurants that have both a smoking and non-smoking section and have done a good job at separating the two.
My beef isn’t with restaurants that allow smoking. My beef is with restaurants that insist on putting me as close to the smoking sections as possible…
AUGH!
Then… My kids wanted to take my wife out to lunch for her birthday.
She wants Red Lobster so we go to Red Lobster.
Again we ask for non-smoking, this time requesting to be as far from non-smoking as possible.
Yea, you know what happened.
They tried to sit us at the single closest table to the bar, again the only place in the joint where you can smoke.
AUGH!
I politely explain that my wife is pregnant – complete with all day long morning sickness – and that we would STILL like to be sat as far from the smoking section as possible.
We get an apology and are told that they didn’t know we wanted to be as far from the smoking section. So, we go back to the waiting area to wait.
And wait.
And wait.
And wait.
And wait.
And wait.
While waiting we see that the front lady chick actually wrote FAR FROM SMOKING on the waiting list. Go figure…
AUGH!
So, for those of you who read this that work in a restaurant, please note:
When someone walks in with a request a non-smoking table (especially when the restaurant is EMPTY) do NOT sit them as close to the smoking section as possible.
Also, just so you know… “Yea” and “Uh-huh” are not acceptable answers to any question I may ask you.
Oh, and by the way, my name is not Sweetie and my name is not Hun.
Take the damp table one step further. At some restaurants, they use the same rag and “soapy” water to clean all of the tables. By the end of the day, the water has become mildewed. Yet they continue to use those rags to clean all of the tables throughout the day. Leaving a distinct, yet faint, smell in the restaurant.
Once you become sensitive to it, you’ll notice it immedietly when you enter any restaurant that follows this practice.
Hi! ”How are ‘you guys’ tonight? Fine, thank you! Are ‘you guys’ finished looking at the menu? Yes, thanks! What can I get for ‘you guys’ to start? Arghhhhhh
not your best work