Pet Peeves V
May 28th, 2009 - A Million Peeves - 16 Comments »DON’T FORGET: Tomorrow I’m guest posting on stuffchristianslike.net. Be sure to go there and check it out. My post here tomorrow should also serve as a reminder. Also, I’m still posting a Weekly Six tomorrow…you’re just going to have to scroll down to see it.
But for now, the ongoing list of peeves continues…
“I need a couple of strong backs”
Does anyone else scan the room when they hear this, hoping there are two or three “stronger backs” in the mix? This is the one time in life that you want to be perceived as weak. I have gone into a full-on debate with my brothers as to how much stronger they are than me (even throwing out bench press numbers) while my grandmother moved the sleeper sofa upstairs by herself.
Escalator Handrails Faster than Escalator Stairs
I feel like the handrail guys and stair guys should be on the same page by now. Why can’t they get in sync? Is it a scientific impossibility? Or do they do it on purpose and just sit in the food court watching us, laughing at those of us who, instead of merely changing hand position, arrive at the top at a 45° angle with our head resting on some random dude’s lower back.
Hug Slaps
There are people in my life that use the hug as an opportunity to punish. I’m not sure what I did wrong in our last encounter, but is the open-palm lower back slap communicating what you think it’s communicating? Once I’ve identified the hug slappers in my circle of friends, I make it a point to implement an across-the-room hello-shout next time we hang out. What? You’re in the middle of an important conversation? Doesn’t matter. Nothing could be more important than us establishing a verbal greeting into our relationship.
Phone Guilt Trips
If I had a nickel for every time I heard “Tyler never answers his phone” or “Tyler is the worst at calling people back”, I’d have a butt load of nickels. While it may very well be true, I don’t need the pressure of feeling like our relationship hinges on the promptness of my callback. And Gary, how would you like it if I said “Gary is the worst at tennis” or “Gary never loses weight” in a group of people?
Wearing Without Washing
I got some new shirts last week and, in my excitement, wore them without the ceremonial first wash. Not only do they have that deformation on the chest where the Medium sticker was, but they smell terrible. What is that, Old Spice? No…Sears.
Discuss.
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Shoot… I think I’m a hug slapper. Sorry everyone. At least I have a little more clarity. Now I know why everyone is shouting across the room at me.
Tylr (that’s text for Tyler), I need to let you in on a secret I discovered a few years ago. You need to have a “back injury” and then make sure everyone knows about it. It doesn’t have to be much – just let Baylor kick you, and you never want to go into details. A simple “I injured my back” will be sufficient. The key is to make sure EVERYONE knows about it. Then whenever you get the “I need a couple of strong backs” request, you can simply remind them of “back injury 09.” Works like a charm.
Ev-
I always thought you were a genius, but this confirms it. I’m proud to know you.
The back injury idea might work for the hug slapper too!
You could even claim your “back injury” was caused by an escalator with an out of sync handrail.
i called you yesterday. why didn’t you call me back? are we friends?
I hate it when I wear a shirt without washing it, and it stains my body. Trust me, a chest as pasty white as mine will absorb that chemical dye like a sponge, then I’ll have a red tint on my chest for the next 4 days to match my “new blue jeans” blue legs. I don’t know how I got married.
I think you are just bitter about Kyle and I pointing out on your post that you don’t call people back. My pet peeve is when my brother insists I get on Twitter so I can check his 30-word update instead of having to call me back.
Too soon?
Hmm. Tyler always calls me back.
Tyler has NEVER called me back.
Once I do wash my new shirts, I often like to pretend like it’s never been washed by ironing a horizontal crease across the middle of the chest. It’s hard to get that back.
tylr, how cum u neva txt me?
tyler, i love your blog, but jim gaffigan already covered the escalator joke in his latest comedy special…but I think you had better commentary on the idea
Dang. Add another pet peeve to the list: Unoriginal humor. Well, if only one of us can be mad at the escalator injustice, I’m going to give it to Gaffigan. He’s earned it. That guy is freaking hilarious. How can I hear said comedy special?
I will always rag you about the phone. My pet peeve is when people complain about people complaing that you dont call them back. You’ve made my list Tyler Stanton. My other peeve is over-achieving in grammar. You’re safe on that one.
My pet peeve IS a reason for not calling people back: eternal cell phone message prompts. What should be a three second, “Can’t get to my phone. Leave a message,” ends up being a five minute soliloquy:
“The person you are trying to reach ‘. . . uh, Random Joe’ is not available. To leave a message, press one. Or just wait for the tone. To leave a callback number, press 5. When you are finished with your message, you may press two to listen to your message, or three to submit the message. Or you may simply hang up. If you would like to record your message again, press 6 to start from the beginning. If you would like to repeat this menu, press seven. If you would like to page this person, who clearly isn’t available to talk to you or they would have picked up the call in the first place, press 4. If you would like me to make the decision for you because obviously you are too indecisive, press 8. If you would rather not leave a messsage, or have simply given up, you may press 9 to disconnect, or simply throw your phone against a wall.”
Why thank you, I think I will.