I’m taking today off. I still want you to laugh though, so here’s an outtake from our World Class Apologists video that we made for Catalyst.

(Today’s Saturday Morning Guest Post is from Bryan Allain, my new blog friend. You might recognize that name from the funnier-than-my-post comments he leaves here.)
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All you wanted to do was take a quick leak so you could get back to your Google Reader. But there he was, brushing his teeth in the work bathroom sink like he owned the place. It bothered you, didn’t it? Well, it bothered me too, and here’s why.

The Spectacle – Everyone I know brushes once in the morning and once at night. Adding in a third brushing is fine, but why not after dinner in the privacy of your own home? This guy is not concerned with having clean teeth; he’s concerned with you thinking he has clean teeth.

The Particles – Hey buddy, do you smell that? That’s the smell of feces and urine. You don’t smell it at home because your toilet only gets flushed 10 times a day. But here at work, all five of these toilets see 10 flushes in an hour. So go ahead, keep brushing with your proprietary blend of Aquafresh and human waste. And excuse me while I gag.

The Spit – You know what’s grosser than brushing your teeth with peepaste? Spitting all over the sink I’m about to use. Oh, you think splashing some water around is going to get rid of all your spit germs? Sorry buddy, I’ve seen Dateline too many times. You might as well spit your poopaste foam directly onto my hands.

The Squatting – The work bathroom experience should be handled like an armed robbery. You get in and out as fast as you can, preferably without getting ID’ed.  Not this guy, though. He sets up his own personal hygienic station at the scene of the crime. Today he’s brushing his teeth; tomorrow he’s soaking his feet in the sink. If you don’t think he’s trying to get his whole office moved into Stall #3, think again.

The Brush – Does this guy commute with his toothbrush or does he keep a separate one at work? If he’s commuting, he probably carries it in his pocket where it rubs up against dirty pennies and lint all day. If he has a separate work toothbrush, you know he just throws in into a drawer next to his grimy stapler.  Either way, it would be healthier to brush your teeth with a rabid dog’s tail then it would be to use that nasty toothbrush.

So here’s the deal. If you’re a work teeth-brusher, now’s your chance to come clean.

And if you’ve got your own work bathroom pet peeves, this is a safe place to air your grievances.

1. Favorite Website – ManBabies.com

2. Favorite Video – Auto-Tune the News (watch the entire thing – one of the most creative things I’ve ever seen)

3. Favorite Comment – All of them on Warning Signs of a TV Addict

4. Favorite New Blog – awkwardfamilyphotos.com

5. Favorite New (to me) Comedian - Jim Gaffigan

6. Favorite Ad -

1. My friend Jon decided to move my Stuff Christians Like guest post to next Friday. We couldn’t get the contract negotiations worked out in time, but we’re getting close. He keeps wanting to pay me in packs of Dentyne Ice. It is going up next Friday though. I’ll be sure to remind you.

2. I have a new and (so I think) improved About page. Thoughts?

3. Based on your feedback, I’ve created an Essentials page, instead of a Best Of page (thanks for the suggestion Lee). There’s also a new image link for it (right over there →) with the picture I use for the 900 8×10 glossies I printed. I’ve yet to sign one.

4. I’m going to start posting The Weekly 6 on Fridays (instead of Sundays – my new blog off-day). It’s a list of my six favorite things from the Internet or TV all week. You don’t want to miss these. I’ve got one coming a little bit later today.

5. I’ve recently added some v-necks into my clothing repertoire. This is bigger than my decision to stop wearing carpenter jeans.

Sorry Mack. There are just too many noteworthy things to gripe about to limit my Pet Peeve posts to 3 per year. Here are five more that frustrate me way more than they should.

18. Splitting Bills – I can’t even enjoy eating with friends. While the rest of them are absorbed in conversation and laughter, I’m stressing out over the upcoming bill split.

My Thoughts: Alright, how is this going to work? I ordered the cheese dip, but everyone ate it. Is that on me? Can you split a cheese dip 8 ways? What about tip? You think she’ll include it? I bet she will. Oh crap. Neil is here. He never has enough. He’s going to ask me to spot him, I just know it. Then he’ll try to pay me back with a burned CD or something. Why can’t you just bring enough cash, Neil? Why are you so awful? You do this over, and over, and-
Friend: -Right, Tyler? Wait, are you OK?
Me: What? Me? Yeah…I’m cool.
Friend: Why are you crying?

19. Bad Beard Lines – I’m thinking about going on a speaking tour, specifically to educate young men on the appropriate crafting of a beard. Don’t get me wrong. I understand what happens. You look in the mirror and, straight on, it all checks out. But you fail to give a side glance – you must look at your profile! It’s never OK to make the beard’s base line above the face’s jaw line. I write this equation on my mirror as a reminder during beard season:

BEARD LINE  <  JAW LINE

20. Forgetting to Change the Radio Station – I have a tendency to zone out while I’m driving. Sometimes when I come to, I’ll find that I’ve been passionately singing along with whatever is currently on the radio. I don’t know what it is, but 4 out of every 5 times this happens, I’m jamming with Beyonce to the chorus of Single Ladies. I hate that song.

21. Zunes – Come on, Microsoft. It’s time. Is this really a battle you’re willing to fight? Even Zune owners refer to it as their “iPod”. They’re embarrassed to have the words “my Zune” come off their lips. I got a little embarrassed just typing it.

22. The Word “Factoid” – Is the word “fact” insufficient? Does making it sound like it’s from outer space really enhance its meaning?

What’s chapping your hide these days? I want to know.

Pet Peeves Archive:   1 |  2 |  3