Tripp Crosby, Jon Acuff, Bryan Allain and I are on a four-man quest to change how the world looks at Twitter. Each of us will be using our blogs today to show you that there’s more to Twitter than just telling people you’re eating a roast beef sandwich or that your cat finally woke up.

The four of us shamelessly attempt to squeeze as much humor out of 140 characters as we can. Here are some of my attempts (@tylerstanton):

1. I would like to nominate Best Buy as world’s most absurd receipt length. Do they want me to make a sash out of it?

2. Just heard a place described as “a Chinese Ryan’s”. I threw up in my mouth at the very thought.

3. Whenever I start a sentence “I don’t mean to brag, but…”, my sole intent is to brag.

4. I’ve never actually heard someone say “hubba hubba” to a woman in real life.

5. Our new phone books just arrived. I’ve never been less excited about anything.

6. No offense, but I’d rather read my toaster’s instruction manual than your Facebook quiz results. You have now been hidden.

7. Just caught a fish that was smaller than my bait. I might keep it and use it as a toothpick.

8. You can pretty much wash your entire car with those windshield squeegies at the gas station. And it’s free.

9. Can I sell my yard at a yard sale? I’m ready to part with it.

10. If we’re not friends, and you correct me a lot, we’ll probably stay that way

11. I just received my first truly accidental Wet Willy. It was my fault… I turned into it.

12. You think DJ Jazzy Jeff gets pissed every time Will Smith does something awesome?

13. Is there a poor Geoff?

Who do you follow that makes you laugh? Do you make yourself laugh (which is perfectly OK)? If so, give us some of your gems in the comments section. And last but not least, if you’re on Twitter*, stop what you’re doing and go follow these guys: @trippcrosby, @prodigaljohn, and @bryanallain.

*If you’re not on Twitter, please take 1.5 minutes and read this post that Tripp wrote last week. Then go sign up.
___

  Subscribe to this feed

11 Comments »

All of the previous peeves are now listed on the A Million Peeves page. With your help, I think we can reach one million by 2086. Here are five more to add to the list…

Partial Payback
Bro, either pay me back or don’t. If you owe me $20, don’t give me a ten spot and tell me the other half is “on the way”. I’d rather you had just kept your $10 and avoided me for the next two years. Oh, and when you owe me money, don’t tell me about the awesome new iPod you just got. Believe it or not, I’m not happy for you.

Ashton CoolPix Commercials
Who’s idea was this? I would rather watch a commercial about feminine hygiene products than sit through Ashton’s failed attempts to be seductively funny (that is what he’s trying to do, isn’t it?).

Bathroom Booth
Why do they even put booths this close to the bathroom? Contrary to popular belief, I’d rather dress my salad with Balsamic Vinaigrette than the dense stench of urinal cakes and number twos. Oh, and that door is meant to be a barrier, not a wafting mechanism.

Rewards Card Solicitations

Cashier: Would you like to not be an idiot and save 15% of your hard-earned cash by purchasing one these tiny, convenient rewards cards, which is what every smart, responsible person on earth would do in your shoes? Right now you’re saving 0% and would be the laughing stock of this entire store – seriously, we’ll make fun of you for at least the next 8 months – if you decided not to get this. Will you be paying for it with cash or credit?
Me: Wait, how much?
Cashier: Twenty-five dollars.
Me: Twenty-five dollars to save eighty cents?
Cashier: It will make much more financial sense next January, I promise.

What’s frustrating you more than it should?
___

  Subscribe to this feed

5 Comments »

1. Favorite Tantrum - His mom canceled his World of Warcraft account…

2. Favorite Book - Ant Farm by Simon Rich (hands down the funniest book I’ve ever read)

3. Favorite Photo - (courtesy of awkwardfamilyphotos.com)

4. Favorite Obscure Displays of Athleticism – This, This, and This

5. Favorite Comments - All of them on the nostalgic 10 in 10 Again post

6. Favorite Michael Jackson Video - Look closely… it also stars Carlton

___

  Subscribe to this feed

11 Comments »

1. I feel like I need to share this recent interaction I had at the grocery store with an eager, young high school kid…

Kid: Excuse me, you know who you look like?

My Thoughts: Michael Keaton? Is he going to say Michael Keaton, because I’ve gotten that befo– Wait a minute. I know what this is. How could I be so stupid? This kid must recognize me from all of my videos! I wonder if he’s a bigger fan of me in the DontBeThatGuy series or– Wait, is that a pen and paper in his hand? Is he actually about to ask me for my autograph? Wow. He’s going to ask for my autograph. Unbelievable.  Do I just go with my name, or do I put something like “Best Wishes” with it? How am I going to humbly mention this on Twitter and act like it’s no big deal? I can’t believe this is happening. Well, I can…but I can’t. Alright Tyler, just be cool. Get down on his level…

Me: (Humbly) No… who?

Kid: You look like a guy who is about to sponsor me in my school fundraiser.

Me: … I’m sorry… what?

Kid: Yeah, just sign here.

Me: Right. Do you mind if I keep your pen? I need to stab myself in the ego.

2. We’re about 50 comments away from the 1000th comment on this blog. I’ve decided I’m going to mail something amazing to whoever posts the thousandth one, so keep them rolling. I know I’ve said it before, but they’re my favorite part of this whole thing.

3. I’m in a heated Twitter follower race with @bryanallain, my blog friend and nemesis. If you’re on Twitter, let’s follow each other* (@tylerstanton) and tell our people to do the same. Also, @trippcrosby said that he is giving away an iPod Touch if he gets 1000 new followers in the next week.

4. In a ridiculous landslide, 70 out of 72 people voted for The Weekly Six to stay the way it is.

5. I need your help. I want to write some stuff in the future about parenting/being a dad (ludicrous things like how to effectively relive your glory days through your child, how to destroy annoying toys without your kid getting upset, what not to let your kid wear, etc). Any ideas?

*I have recently adopted the “you follow me, I follow you” Twitter philosophy. I also adopted the “you send 35 updates in 9 minutes, I unfollow you” philosophy.
___

  Subscribe to this feed

30 Comments »

A few months ago I wrote a post about 10 things you probably haven’t thought of in 10 years. Well, my high school reunion on Saturday conjured up some more nostalgic thoughts, so here are 10 more things I bet you haven’t thought of since 1999:

1. Homestarrunner.com – This was my go-to site in college. I would spend tens of minutes every day immersed in Strong Bad emails, Marzipan, great jorb, Homesar, and Bubbs.

2. Book Fair – I’m willing to say that the single greatest sound of my childhood (better, even, than the sound of a wrapper coming off of a Fruit Roll Up) was the sound of the Book Fair carts rolling down the halls at school. You knew you were about to add some new tracing books, Lamborghini posters, and Clifford erasers to your already-vast collection.

3. Dinosaurs – Remember? The show that single-handedly brought about the demise of TGIF? I actually saw the first season on sale at Target the other day if you have any enemies you’re shopping for.

4. Shawn Kemp – The Reign Man was easily my favorite player to be on NBA Jam.

5. Sharks and Minnows – This was my favorite of the many pool games I rule-altered on the spot to benefit myself.

6. Floppy Disks – Remember the sound of them being inserted into the drive? Glorious. They literally didn’t even have enough space to hold one digital photo – and we were none-the-wiser.

7. Dr. Mario – The ol’ Tetris knock-off. Would you hate me if I said I actually liked it better?

8. Meatloaf – If I remember correctly, he had one of the most epic music videos of all time with I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That). Also, did you know he was in Fight Club?

9. Jock Jams – There is no other single album that I have listened to more than this one (kind of embarrassing, I know). There was about a two year period where I would have told you my life anthem was Mony Mony.

10. Tootie – Who knew this budding young actress would reach the pinnacle of her career on something as mediocre as Living Single?

Your turn. What are some things you bet the rest of us haven’t thought of in 10 years?
___

  Subscribe to this feed

33 Comments »

This is one of my favorite videos that Tripp and I have done for Northpoint. The message is simple: There isn’t one person who appreciates you bringing your baby into a church service.

Let’s say, hypothetically, that we were going to make another video of things you shouldn’t do in a church service. You got any ideas?
___

  Subscribe to this feed

18 Comments »