I was able to get my hands on a page of the secret handbook that all* fast food restaurants give to their new employees. I had my suspicions that they were all reading from the same manual – now I know it to be true. Due to its sensitive nature, I could get in real trouble for publishing this. I’m going to risk it though. Not surprisingly, here are some of the prerequisites for fast food employment:

Feel free to outwardly display your hatred for the job.
Chances are, the customer won’t truly understand how tired and dissatisfied you are. Be sure to go the extra mile to let him know you’re doing him a favor – sigh loudly, roll your eyes, look at the ceiling…whatever it takes. After all, you’re the victim here. It’s not your fault you work here (unless, of course, you were the one that came here and filled out the application).

If you mess up, make the customer feel like it was his fault.
When a disgruntled customer starts his sentence with “I actually ordered…”, furrow your brow and correct him condescendingly. Begin looking at the receipt, not to backup your claim, but to avoid eye contact. If this fails, blame it on someone in the back. After all, it couldn’t have been your fault.

Take your sweet time.
The “fast” in “fast food” is relative. No need to rush over to get those fries. You might pull something. Be sure to walk as though you’re taking a Sunday stroll through the park. Heck, this is as good of a time as any to continue that conversation with the assistant manager about why Clay Aiken should have beaten Ruben Studdard in season two of Idol.

Cater the dress code to your particular style.
Our dress code is merely a starting point. Feel free to wear that visor however you want. You’re a tall tee guy? That’s great. We’ll get you our standard issue shirt in an XXXXXL. If we had blazers, you could even flip it inside out like The Fresh Prince did at his prep school. That’s just the kind of ship we run here. If you can dream it, we can do it.

Don’t worry about familiarizing yourself with that pesky register.
Wait until the customer has completed his order for his family of five before you inform him that you’re still searching for the button for his initial #1. Hint: If you hover your finger about an inch above the keypad and spin it around in a circular motion, you will find the correct button much faster.

Unfortunately, that’s all I could find. What else do you think is on there?

*Chick-fil-A is the lone exception.
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