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Public Restrooms for Beginners

June 2nd, 2009 - Uncategorized - 22 Comments »

restroom2I have friends who flat-out refuse to use public restrooms. Don’t get me wrong – I understand their hesitation. But the experience doesn’t have to be that bad. There are just a few things you have to keep in mind:

1. Know when reading is acceptable
I have learned the hard way that it is not acceptable at Barnes & Noble to take a book off the shelf and into the bathroom with you. Apparently that is considered “unsanitary” and future purchasers of the book might frown on such a decision. Starbucks, however, is fair game. I’d recommend tucking the book/newspaper into the back of your waistband to maximize covertness.

2. Leave a generous cushion while waiting
There isn’t a dude on the planet who appreciates another male lurking a foot behind him at the urinal. You want to leave the maximum amount of space behind the urinal-user while still making it clear to the new person that comes in who’s next in line. It’s one of life’s most difficult balances.

3. Beware of the warm seat
You may think seat warmth sounds cozy, like you’re snuggling up next to a fire on a cold winter day. Let me dispel that myth right now. The reason the seat is warm is because less than thirty seconds ago some huge guy with huge amounts of lower body hair sat his huge butt on that very seat and produced what you’re smelling right now. Still sound cozy?

4. Check the toilet paper first
Guess what’s worse than being out of toilet paper at home?

5. Kick Flush
I would rather touch the rotting carcass of a duck than the silver flush handle on a public toilet. If I’m not able to karate kick high enough to get the job done, the next dude is walking into a surprise. I know I’m not the only one. It’s jerks like me who caused the automatic flusher to be invented.

6. Wash hands if someone is looking
This is the one time in life where I succumb to peer pressure from people I don’t even know. If I don’t wash my hands, I feel like they’re going to follow me to my table and tell everyone that I’m sharing chips with what just happened. If I’m ever in there with a friend, I stand back a little and let him take the lead. If he washes, I step up and pretend that’s what I had planned all along.

7. Know when to hold it
There will be times that you enter a onesy and get bear hugged by the eye-watering stench that awaits. There’s no question what to do in this situation. It would be better to hold it and develop some temporary intestinal problems than risk having it embed itself in your skin.

Any other public restroom tips?
___

  • http://chrishull.wordpress.com Chris

    Time your exit.
    If you can, wait until someone else is entering and make your exit while the door is wide open. That way, you don’t have to touch the handle that all the other patrons have been putting their grimy hands all over. The alternate to this, of course, is to use a paper towel to open the door and throwing that away while you’ve got the door propped open with your foot. This doesn’t always work with restrooms that have the automatic hand dryers. You kinda get in trouble when you use one of those to open the door.

  • http://www.gotmanswers.blogspot.com scott

    Tyler we may have been seperated at birth. First Full House, now this. We did a whole guide about proper restroom usage a couple months ago over at To Every Man A Manswer Proper Behavior in the Restroom

  • Bryan

    To combine #2 and #7, when you’re waiting for a onesy, especially at a gas station, go pretend that you are browsing the different flavors of SunChips rather than waiting by the door and having to make eye contact with the preceding gentleman*. You’re still close enough to be next in line, but don’t have to humiliate the guy* before you when the stench follows him out.

    *Note- I’m usually the guy/gentleman who is being waited on. Give me some decency.

  • http://redclaydiaries.com Steph @Red Clay Diaries

    Are Chick Rules allowed? If so, I have just one:

    Do not Helicopter Pee. I know you don’t want to put your spotlessly clean hiney where other, less-clean hineys have been sitting.

    But if there’s one thing worse than catching germs off a public toilet seat with your butt, it’s catching germs off a WET public toilet seat.

    If you’re determined to not sit on the bare seat, please use the seatcovers that are available for your (germophobic) convenience.

    Off my soapbox for now. The soapbox from which I promise to never hover and pee.

  • http://bulldawgnelson.blogspot.com/ Griffin

    One of the biggest problems in a public restroom is urinal roullette. It is crucial to pick the right urinal to avoid akwardness. For any with an Iphone, here is a good free app to make sure that you pick the correct one. Generally, get at least one slot away from anyone else, or face a wall if that is impossible. I hate getting a next door neighbor when there are plenty of other choices.

  • http://www.nolangottlieb.com Nolan

    SILENCE…It’s less important to be quiet at the queen’s funeral that it is to be quiet in the men’s restroom. There are a few sounds that, even though you’re in the water closet, are off limits.

    The pee-stream contact to toilet water sound is a huge no-no if you are in a stall with a toilet…nothing worse than people knowing you’ve got a weak stream. There’s always that guy though…with the stream that could turn over a rock who wants everyone to know how bladderally inclined he is.

    The sound of anyones voice…especially if that voice is saying your name. If a spider is crawling up my back wait till we get outside to tell me…last thing I want is the attention of strange men in the bathroom.

    This isn’t really a sound, but guys how about the peeing with the slope. Anyone?? This is when you are trying to avoid the dreaded splash rebound from a directly perpendicular stream to the urinal face. Yeah, you try to aim at the side of the urinal face where it slopes and pee with the slope so there is a smooth flow into the bottom resivoir with minimal rebound.

    Was that last one too much?? Feel free to put me on comment restriction for a week if it was…

    • http://tylerstanton.com Tyler Stanton

      Nolan- not only are you not on restriction, you should win an award. Peeing with the slope should have made the list. Also, I lift the seat when I pee…not to be polite to female users, but to expand the non-toilet water area for contact.

      All of these other ones are amazing too. Once again a list has been created that is better than my original post. Keep that up! B- can you believe all the flavors of SunChips these days?

  • April

    WOW! I had no idea you guys had so much to worry about when going to the restroom. I had never even pondered the whole urinal aspect you have to go through. It’s amazing you guys haven’t needed group therapy to deal with the anxieties of having to use public restrooms. Also, its refreshing to hear a guy use the term “no-no”. I thought this was only reserved for young mothers to their toddlers.

  • BJ

    Gentlemen….. My hat (?) is off to you! I had no real idea that peeing for a guy is such an art form. I will agree with Steph about the hovering/splash and if I may add to that….. IF you do use the paper butt protector… make sure you get the darn thing flushed and not clinging to the seat. ok, nuff said….

  • http://www.lifecenterworship.net Nathan Lewellyn

    This one is for the janitor who restocks the bathroom. It matters with direction you put the TP on the roll. Toilet paper works it’s best when you pulling from the top. Pulling from the bottom causes a rip every other square.

  • John L

    Why have we not discussed the “Courtesy Flush”? If you absolutely have to do #2 in a public space then the “Courtesy Flush” is an absolute must. Even better… 2 or 3 “Courtesy Flushes” throughout the duration of the event.

  • KT

    Oh oh, I got another one …

    How ’bout the person who sits in the stall and blows his/her nose? Does that drive anyone else crazy?

    I also find it funny in the women’s bathroom when someone is doing something other than #1 and another woman walks in … that person waits and tries to be as silent as possible until the intruder leaves to complete her business. It’s like … hello, lady, I can see your feet from under the stall door … and sometimes I’m cruel and take my sweet time washing my hands. Oh well.

  • http://www.lifecenterworship.net Nathan Lewellyn

    wait….girls poop?

  • KT

    Oops … blew our cover.

  • http://taftastic.wordpress.com Lee Taft

    Tyler, you should check out http://www.whobloggedthetoilet.com. It’s pretty worthwhile reading on the bathroom subject.

  • Leigh

    I always flush public pots with my shoe . . . sometimes I do this at friends’ houses. Once, I almost lost a flip flop. It fell to the floor and believe me, I’d rather stick the rotting duck carcass under my deck than have my bare foot touch the floor of a McDonald’s bathroom. I hopped around until I was able to slip my foot into the almost dunked flop. I’ve since learned to simultaneously squeeze my toe and and press the siver handle.

  • John L

    Ooh ooh, I have another one. No throwing gum or cigarette butts in the urinal. What the heck? Why even throw stuff in there? It’s not going down. The little urinal mint or urinal strainer keeps that from happening. Some poor sap will eventually have to put their hands in there and retrieve the sucker. This may seem like a strong statement, but I truly believe it, “All persons spitting their gum into urinals should be tasered on site.”

  • http://www.nickflight.blogspot.com Nick

    I’m too inflexible to ever kick flush so I use paper towel to flush button, and to open the exit door.

    One thing that hasn’t been mentioned is that disabled toilets usually cleaner due to being used less, and (if not already engaged) are your for the taking in the name of equal rights. Just remember to do a quick scan of the general area and make sure there is no electric wheelchairs coming in your direction-nothing is more embarrassing exiting a disabled toilet you have been occupying for a while only to be booed by a line of people who can’t use the normal toilet.

  • http://volcrazy.livejournal.com bradervin

    Flush on loud farts.

    Soft cough or shoe squeak to announce presence to others.

    Even if you don’t wash hands in the bathroom (which as mentioned, is really on required b/c of peer pressure) make sure you shake your hands vigorously as you exit the bathroom, as to give the image to any onlookers that you ‘ahem” of course washed your hands and they are still wet. Camo-shake.

  • http://www.rkklop.blogspot.com rk2

    I have an entire list of restroom rules for work.

    1. If there are more than two stalls, do not go into one right beside someone else if you can leave a vacant stall between. Seven stalls and you have to sit in the one right next to me and leave five vacant on the other side???

    2. Do not give a sigh of relief when you relieve yourself.

    3. At least try to hide the gas noise or I WILL laugh, and that makes me feel as if I’m in jr. high.

    4. Get off your cell phone in the bathroom!!!

    • http://tylerstanton.com Tyler Stanton

      @rk2 – Glad to know I’m not the only one who still laughs when someone squeaks one out.

      @brad – Incredible call on the soft cough to announce your presence. Not doing that could be tragic.

      @nick – I heard somewhere that handicap stalls are also to be treated as luxury stalls. It changed my perspective on the whole issue. Now instead of feeling guilty, I feel lucky and dignified.

  • Greg

    be careful when if you enter with a friend while having a conversation. If you head for the stall and him the urinal, you need to know when he’s gone. You dont want to be talking about going out for drinks later when the trucker walks in.

    Also, if you’re not going to flush because you can not reach the wand with your foot, at least push the protective layer/seat cushion into the bowl. (You better use the protective layer!)