We’re really proud of our gum, aren’t we? I don’t know why, but whenever we’re chewing it, we’re ever so eager to let the world know. Gum has emerged from a mere breath-freshening device to an all-out lifestyle. Think I’m being a bit sensational? Allow me to describe a few people you probably know:

The Aggressor
Gum is part of this guy’s image. No one wonders whether or not he is chewing it either. He makes sure his lips never touch and that his jaw continues in a violent counter-clockwise motion. He chews so aggressively that you wonder if he’s gnawing on a piece of tire. You’ll find him in the center of a room with his head on a swivel to make sure people from all angles can see him.

The Popper
This person doesn’t want to leave any room to guess whether or not she is chewing gum. She constantly implements the gum pop, as if to say “Just wanted to make sure all of you in the next zip code knew I was chewing gum.” Ironically, the day she learned how to pop her gum was the day your friendship began to diminish.

The Dealer
This person never comes out and asks if you’d like a piece of gum. He always treats it like a drug deal, like he’s smuggled in some magic pills from Indonesia or something. He comes up real close to you and pulls the pack halfway out of his pocket, looks at it, then looks at you. He doesn’t say a word; he just lifts his eyebrows a little. He’s afraid if any words are exchanged, his cover will be blown and the goods will be confiscated.

The Evangelist
This guy audibly scoffs when you pull out your brand of choice. When he asks you if you’ve tried his brand, he’s not actually offering you a piece. He is simply making a statement about his superior plot in life. He feels sad that you haven’t made it past Cinnaburst and experienced the riches of the Orbitz cubes that he ritually swears by.

The Halfer
I know the economy is bad, but is it really time to start rationing your gum? No one likes half a piece. It feels like a sliver of food that you had stuck in your teeth has finally come loose and is floating around in your mouth. I’d rather stick with my bad breath.

What are some other absurd ways people display their gum pride?
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