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Male Accessories to Eliminate

June 11th, 2009 - Uncategorized - 26 Comments »

I apologize in advance if you’re offended by these suggestions. It’s nothing personal. I’m just trying to make the world a better place.

Barbwire Tattoos
In addition to their “always use clean needles” guideline, I think all tattoo parlors should establish another steadfast policy – a mandatory “Are you sure about this?” whenever someone requests a barbwire tattoo around their bicep. It would cause some much needed second-guessing and clear them from any liability when the newly-barbwired hot shot realizes he’s a tool.

ChapStick
Let’s use some discretion about when we’re applying this stuff, men. Nothing is more distracting than you showing up to our business meeting with freshly glossed lips. You see Linda sitting next to you? Yeah, her lips looks less lipsticky than yours. I vote we only use chapstick in the privacy of our own homes.

Turtlenecks
When it’s cold outside, there’s an important decision to be made. You’re either going to sacrifice neck warmth or sacrifice dignity. Don’t think you’re able to salvage both. The minute you put that turtleneck on, you’re entering a new social status that I’m pretty sure you want to avoid. Wait, did someone say these are making a comeback?

Musk Deodorant
You do know there are new smell varieties, don’t you? Rule of thumb: When you’re in the deodorant aisle, try steering clear of anything with a bronze color. You’d be better off buying a stick of BO than continuing on with the musk.

Thin Chains
“Go big or go home” is my motto when it comes to man chains. Either drape a 25-pound dollar-sign medallion around your neck, or leave it bare. The flimsy, braided yellow gold necklace that proudly displays itself on the outside of your shirt isn’t doing much to enhance your appeal.

Over-the-Ankle Ankle Socks
I can’t believe there’s still a market for these. Is it a modesty issue that I’m not aware of? Is there an army of dads that are embarrassed to show their ankles? I mean, they’ve seen the no-show socks. The packages are right next to each other. Let’s fight this war together. Next time we’re at Wal-Mart, let’s grab all the packs of OTAAS we can find and hide them behind Taylor Hicks CDs. They’ll never be found.

What other accessories should men eliminate entirely?
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  • Lisa

    hair gel. it's just wrong. wrong.

    • http://www.bandofkeigley.blogspot.com riley

      how is hair gel wrong i dont see a problem with it as long as its not slicked back.

  • solomon

    sweatpants…especially in public…especially with elastic at the ankle…enough said.

  • http://www.adaupdates.blogspot.com Scott

    I agree, dignity should trump neck warmth everytime. And it doesn't make it ok if there is a little Nike swoosh or a team logo on the collar. It does not make you more athletic, it is still a turtleneck.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/tylerstanton Tyler Stanton

      Is it just me, or are those sneaking their way into professional golf?

  • http://Chrishull.wordpress.com Chris

    Baseball caps
    There ate situations where they are needed or allowed: playing baseball or softball or even attending a game. I’ll even accept the wearing of one while driving a convertible or rounding up cattle like Billy Crystal in “City Slickers”.

    However, the constant wearing of ball caps by men has to stop. Just remember, you’re not Turtle from Entourage.

  • http://bryanallain.com/blog bryan a

    @lisa – i completely disagree. i'm a 1-product guy, and it's usually hair gel. if you saw how awesome i look, you'd change your stance.

    @chris – i completely disagree. baseball caps are a nice accessory to pepper in now and again when you don't feel like using hair gel. (though i agree that constant wearing is unnecessary)

    @tyler – totally with you on no-show socks, turtlenecks, chains, and chap stick.

    I would add a few more:

    Phone Holsters: The belt clip for the phone not only looks ridiculous, but it always gets in the way. Now that cellphones are all small, there's no need.

    Handkerchief: Can't believe my dad used to carry one of these around everywhere. i guess these were more of a necessity before puffs plus were invented, but the thought of having a snot rag in my back pocket always gave me the heebies.

    pocketknife: never trust anyone who carries around a pocket knife. i did some research on this recently and here's what i found:

    # of times pocketknife was brought out of pocket because it needed to be used – 19.3 times per year

    # of times pocketknife was brought out of pocket because the dude wanted everyone to know that he caries a pocketknife: 27.8 times per year.

    that stats don't lie, people.

  • nate

    i would like to submit under armor in public. come on guy, its in the name. you are supposed to wear that sweet athletic armor UNDER other, more acceptable articles of clothing. besides, we no you want us to see your guns and sweet barbwire tat, but its difficult to get past that inspiring beer gut.

    • Alex

      you beat me to it. 90% of the time, it's just gross. the other 10%, the guy just looks like a tool.

  • http://www.nickflight.blogspot.com Nick

    how about-

    sunglasses on top of head:
    it may be just an Australian thing but I have seen men of all ages wearing sunglasses on top of there head even when its raining and skies are completely grey.

    a key chain with too many keys clipped to jeans:
    c'mon mate, you've knocked off your cleaning job four hours ago, your out to tea with your wife, we see your job requires you to open lots of doors, time to put the status symbol away already.

    t-shirt's with one word or one sentence statements:
    "I'm with stupid", "Nutter", "Never trust a skinny cook"… the list is endless. I'm going to print a t-shirt that says "T-shirts with one sentence statements on them are for weeners". Even worse though is when when rich, white Australians wear Che Guevara t-shirts when it is clear they have no idea who Che Guevara was.

    Flavour-Saver goatees:
    Guys, do you really think leaving a little bit of facial hair the size of a thumbprint under your bottom lip is going to distract people from the fact that you have no personality?

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/tylerstanton Tyler Stanton

      Ah, the one sentence witty tee. You can tell a lot about a person by the statement that his shirt makes. This same guy still wears Simpsons t-shirts too.

  • Bryan

    T- let's not get too comfortable with the "go big or go home" statement referring to necklace girth. I saw this guy wearing a chain with the girth of a roll of quarters with an anchor the size of an infant's fist on the end. It was absurd. How about changing the statement to "go home or go home?"

  • http://lifecenterworship.net Nathan

    [youtube Fad6eZTDikA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fad6eZTDikA youtube]

  • Greg

    "clothes make the man, but accessories make the man FABULOUS!"
    -Carson from Queer Eye

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/tylerstanton Tyler Stanton

    I noticed you were with me on everything but the barbwire tattoo. Am I to assume that you are one of them?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/tylerstanton Tyler Stanton

    I stand corrected. Those are much better words to live by.

  • http://www.stuffchristianslike.net Jon Acuff

    I've said it before and I'll say it again: there is never a legitimate reason to wear a scarf and a short sleeved t-shirt at the same time.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/tylerstanton tylerstanton

      Are you thinking of the same person I'm thinking of? We'll talk later.

  • http://www.ponderingparenting.blogspot.com Lacey

    Skinny jeans – or does that hit too close to home with the artistic types?

    Sorry guys – the look is NOT okay. It really isn't. It looks uncomfortable and restrictive. But if you think you HAVE to give in to "fashion" – at least wear appropriate footwear at the same time.

    • http://830eyes.wordpress.com Katie

      I totally agree!

  • philly

    Tyler, do you know someone in Australia (nick), or is there a stranger in Australia commenting on your website? Either way you are awesome.

    Nate, good call on the under-armor. People need to realize that wearing expensive athletic attire when they aren't doing something athletic is counter productive. They think they are saying "look at how athletic I am," but they are really saying, "I'm wearing this gear now because I haven't gotten it dirty doing anything athletic recently."

    Additionally, while this should be a dead issue, I feel like it needs to be said (especially since I spent most of the last two years in Missouri): denim is for jeans only, men. Not shorts. Not button down shirts. And certainly not for button down shirts with the half color that doesn't fold over. (Wearing a bollo-tie doesn't change this.)

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/tylerstanton tylerstanton

      Philly- great call on the denim. I shouldn't even need to say it, but denim hats (with tan brims) need to be added to the list.

  • Kyle

    #1 Croakies- Sorry fellas, if sigma chi isn't callin your name on bid day then give em up. They just say, "Hey, im frat-tastic!" There is no use for them besides holding your glasses on your head during your third grade basketball game.

    #2 Black denim jeans- sorry. Unless your A.C. Slater, it is almost impossible to pull them off.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/trippcrosby trippcrosby

    It is not okay for guys to wear jumpers.

  • http://www.blogelemy.com Jason

    Crocs shoes need to be added to the list. If you happen to be a male nurse ("there's not too many men in your profession?" ), then you might get a pass while in the hospital but Crocs in public need to go.

  • http://www.bluenoser.net Jeff M

    My list would have to include:
    * Wallets with chains
    * guys wearing braclets
    * Huge lobe spreading ear things
    * guys wearing eye makeup
    * bluetooth not in a car

    I can think of a lot more, but this will do….

    Wait, frosted tips. Come on people who the fuck thinks frosted tips is a good idea anymore, this should go the way of the mullet.