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The Stress of a Japanese Steakhouse

June 15th, 2009 - Uncategorized - 17 Comments »

hibachi grillA few weeks ago I mentioned how the shrimp toss at a Japanese Steakhouse is enough to ruin my entire dining experience. That led me to thinking about how the entire occasion is chock-full of stressors. I love Japanese food as much as the next guy, but it’s almost not worth it anymore. I’ll take heartburn or indigestion over this rapidly-forming ulcer any day of the week.

Seating
A Japanese Steakhouse is arguably the worst place to go for a group outing. If I don’t race ahead, I end up getting stuck at the right angle corner next to the random guy who tries all night to get me to join his pyramid scheme. Look Guy, I know it makes sense – everyone uses natural gas. What doesn’t make sense is how you’re not picking up on my signals. I’ve been giving you front row seats to my back for the past half-hour.

Language Mixups
There needs to be some kind of rule about a restaurant workers in America knowing at least a basic level of English. Last time I went I asked for an extra napkin and I was treated to a double shot of rice wine and a lower back massage. How are we getting these things confused? (FYI: Next time you’re at Yakiniku, order “the napkin.” It will revolutionize your dining experience.)

Acting Surprised at the Volcano
I don’t have the heart to tell the chef that no one has been impressed with the volcano since 1993. He’s still so proud of it. He’s like the uncle that still pulls quarters out of your ear. Look Uncle Danny, I’m 28. I know about the inner workings of an ear, OK? I would have felt it graze my cochlea.

Extra Portion
I can’t even enjoy the first half of my meal because I’m so worried about who’s getting the extra portion of fried rice. As soon as he begins to scoop up that last helping, I’m trying to discretely box out my neighbors. Inevitably, he’ll just give it to the cute girl who won’t eat it. What the heck, Derek (our chef’s American name)? What did I ever do to you?

Cultural offenses
Never again will I make the mistake of asking for a fortune cookie. You would have thought I’d punched a child in the face. I was notified that they are too classy for fortune cookies. They do orange sherbet. After all, who doesn’t want to polish off their four-course meal with a Push Pop?

Anything stress you out about Japanese Steakhouses, or other restaurants for that matter?
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  • Everett

    "I would have felt it graze my cochlea." Great line you ton of stan.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/dustyken dustyken

    "(FYI: Next time you’re at Yakiniku, order “the napkin.” It will revolutionize your dining experience.)"

    Love it!

    Just be glad you didn't ask for a fork.

  • http://bryanallain.com/blog bryan a

    fantastic. just a heads up, i'll be using the "front row seats to my back" line without giving you proper credit for the rest of my life.

  • http://www.abryanphoto.com Bryan johnson

    I hate it when the 5 year old kid at your table (that you don't know) REALLY wants to catch a shrimp but just can't. You watch the chef continue to give him chances while the communal shrimp count lowers. It sucks that some overly ambitious kid with no mouth-eye coordination can single handedly sabotage our portion sizes. I would even forego my chances at the extra portion of fried rice just to insure that I'm alloted my proper number of shrimp.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/tylerstanton Tyler Stanton

      Totally agree. I blame the parents. You gotta teach that mouth-eye coordination early on. We practice with Baylor at least three times a week.

  • Bryan

    Great post all around. It made me think of the Nard-Dawg's line when the guys went to the Japanese Steakhouse.

    Michael: This isn't cheering me up at all.
    Andy: Just wait for the onion…you won't regret it.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/tylerstanton Tyler Stanton

      Yet another golden line from Mr. Bernard.

  • Kyle

    The only thing i think about when i go to the jap. steak is how i am going to react to the volcano this time. Along the lines of the sympathy laugh, I feel like I have to cheer or laugh extra loud at the "entertainment" the chef is giving the table. No one seems to care exept me, the guy who pays too much attention.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/tylerstanton Tyler Stanton

      Let's sit next to each other next time and hold each other accountable to not reacting.

  • http://www.getapprovedshortsale.com JPursell

    Why the hate for pyramid schemes! I only mentioned it one time! Hey, by the way are you looking to supplement your income. Awesome, have I got the thing for you…..

  • jordan buckley

    My last few experiences at a Japanese steakhouse were so stressful that I'm hesitant to ever go back. The reason? An inexperienced chef who kept making mistakes like dropping the eggs and spilling the rice. It's pretty hard to enjoy the show when you have reason to fear that the chef is going to accidentally send a skewer through your eye or toss an egg onto your head.

  • http://redclaydiaries.com Steph @Red Clay

    I have three children under 12. EVERYTHING about the dining experience stresses me out.

    But this WAS really funny.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/vee_tran Vy Tran

    This is why I always eat at the sushi bar.

  • nate

    chefs aren't what they used to be. the last time i was there, we starting cheering when the chef finally wheeled his mobile kitchen in, and he just told us to shut up. he wasn't kidding. he said he was in a bad mood and to leave him alone. amazing.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/tylerstanton tylerstanton

      I can't tell you how mad I am at that guy right now. He didn't even do it to me and I'm fuming. Did you ask to speak to his sensei?

  • Ben
  • http://pjisamixtape.wordpress.com P.J.

    I have one to add to the list, how about the stress when he begins his inane spatula tricks? flinging them around in the air all willy nilly? I can't sit there without flinching and hiding when the chef starts his because I once got drilled in the chest with an errant fling one time…I usually excuse myself to the bathroom so no one sees me squinting and shirking away from the table.