Public Pool Disclaimers
June 16th, 2009 - Uncategorized - 13 Comments »
After spending the afternoon at a neighborhood pool the other day, I’ve decided I’m going to write a letter to the American Public Pool Administration. In it, I’m going to propose that the following list of disclaimers be hung on the entrance gate of every public pool in America.
“Before entering this aquatic area, you must accept the following:
1. Our Kiddie Pool consists of 25% water, 75% chlorinated urine. Chances are, someone dropped a deuce in here earlier this afternoon, but we were sure to get most of it out with that leaf scraper thing.
2. There is no set Adult Swim schedule. We go by the teenage lifeguard’s Arbitrary Whim System, which seems to be working well thus far (for her).
3. There is a direct correlation between the size of a person and how much skin they will expose. The greater the surface area, the greater the chance that you’ll throw up in your mouth before the day is over.
4. There is an above average chance your kid’s toy will be stolen – not permanently, but at least for the duration of your stay. If the redhead with freckles takes it, we suggest just sucking it up and diving for coins instead. He’s here unsupervised…again.
5. If you’re thirsty, we have rusted Coke machines located near the restrooms. We hope you’re in the mood for Diet Sprite, because everything else is sold out. Either that, or it’s short-circuiting from all the wet dollar bills.
6. Don’t mind the Teenage Makeout Couple. This is the only place they could get some “privacy”. That innocent game of Spider will undoubtedly turn into something scandalous. Heck, now is as good of a time as any to have “the talk” with your 4-year-old, right?
7. Walking into our restrooms with bare feet is one of the biggest mistakes you can make during your time here, unless you’re one who appreciates the feel of warm, damp, hairy tiles beneath your feet.
8. Don’t mind the older kids who will be playing a game that will inevitably hurt a bystander. This is just what they do. We, along with their parents, are intimidated by them.
9. Rest assured, there will be a kid you want to punch. These feelings are natural. Because of the certain lawsuit that would follow your acting on this impulse, we recommend finding his Dad and punching him instead – right in the neck.
Can you think of any other disclaimers to add to the list before I mail it off?
___
Subscribe to this feed
It's always the redheaded freckled kid. No. 8 & 9 should also be sent to the American Public Playground Administration.
Sounds like y'all really enjoyed your day at the pool.
Was the cold wetness worth it? Will you be returning?
This post makes me thankful for homeowners' dues.
We realize that there will be a couple of people that are there to legitimately exercise by swimming laps in the pool. Rather than inconvenience the 98.3 percentile of pool patrons who are here to simply take up space along the edges and permeating the shallow end, legitimate swimmers will not be afforded an "express lane" or otherwise roped off area to do so.
Accidents resulting from lap swimmers being crushed by an obese 12 year old's cannonball cannot be the responsibility of the pool management Swim for exercise at own risk.
Great call on this one. What could possibly make them think this is an appropriate time to swim laps? If you're planning on exercising, you better get it out of the way before 9am.
This post assures me that my older brother is now a sure fire adult. Im pretty sure you still are guilty of 8 though. It might have been last time at the beach you hit a child in the face with the dave and buster's football. But now your the dad who stares me down each time I go into my throwing motion and heavily sighs if the ball comes within a 30-foot radius of your children.
It's true. I'm butt old. Don't think I won't stare you down if Collier gets splashed…even if you are my brother.
Id rather walk through Harlem at night than into a public pool bathroom barefoot
Well said. I'm already thinking of ways I can get you in the bathroom barefoot this summer at the beach.
Oh my gosh. Number 1 owns me! What do you do if you really have to go #1 and your flip flops are not handy, aka stolen by the parent of the kid who stole my kids toy? I think I know the answer to this one, but here it goes anyway… is it acceptable to convince yourself that the massive wet area that has created a perimeter around the urinal is actually bathing-suite runoff? It's a bit of a dilemma. After all I don't want to contribute to the water-to-urine ratio problem in the pool. I mean desperate times call for desperate measures… right?
I think there might ought to be a disclaimer before you buy a QuikTrip hot dog too. (See Twitter below.)
When did this start happening?!
Statistics do show that 40% of ADULTS pee in the pool. 75% chorinated urine may be too small a number.
[...] also taken a similar approach to enhance our experiences at the dentist, at public pools, on the phone, and at the beach. [...]