After spending the afternoon at a neighborhood pool the other day, I’ve decided I’m going to write a letter to the American Public Pool Administration. In it, I’m going to propose that the following list of disclaimers be hung on the entrance gate of every public pool in America.

“Before entering this aquatic area, you must accept the following:

1. Our Kiddie Pool consists of 25% water, 75% chlorinated urine. Chances are, someone dropped a deuce in here earlier this afternoon, but we were sure to get most of it out with that leaf scraper thing.

2. There is no set Adult Swim schedule. We go by the teenage lifeguard’s Arbitrary Whim System, which seems to be working well thus far (for her).

3. There is a direct correlation between the size of a person and how much skin they will expose. The greater the surface area, the greater the chance that you’ll throw up in your mouth before the day is over.

4. There is an above average chance your kid’s toy will be stolen – not permanently, but at least for the duration of your stay. If the redhead with freckles takes it, we suggest just sucking it up and diving for coins instead. He’s here unsupervised…again.

5. If you’re thirsty, we have rusted Coke machines located near the restrooms. We hope you’re in the mood for Diet Sprite, because everything else is sold out. Either that, or it’s short-circuiting from all the wet dollar bills.

6. Don’t mind the Teenage Makeout Couple. This is the only place they could get some “privacy”. That innocent game of Spider will undoubtedly turn into something scandalous. Heck, now is as good of a time as any to have “the talk” with your 4-year-old, right?

7. Walking into our restrooms with bare feet is one of the biggest mistakes you can make during your time here, unless you’re one who appreciates the feel of warm, damp, hairy tiles beneath your feet.

8. Don’t mind the older kids who will be playing a game that will inevitably hurt a bystander. This is just what they do. We, along with their parents, are intimidated by them.

9. Rest assured, there will be a kid you want to punch. These feelings are natural. Because of the certain lawsuit that would follow your acting on this impulse, we recommend finding his Dad and punching him instead – right in the neck.

Can you think of any other disclaimers to add to the list before I mail it off?
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