Dad Powers : Happy Father’s Day
June 17th, 2009 - Uncategorized - 20 Comments »I have a great Dad. He excelled in all of the areas that dads are supposed to excel…and then some. You see, he also has these superpowers that I thought every man acquired when he became a dad. But I’ve been a dad for nearly two years now and they’re nowhere to be found. Where are my Dad Powers? Do I not receive them when I cut the cord? Is there some sort of pass-the-baton ceremony that I missed?
Allow me to elaborate a little on these Dad Powers that my Dad so humbly possesses:
Car Packing
I don’t know how he did it, but my Dad could pack an entire master bedroom suite in the trunk of a Honda Civic. I now know why he made us bring our bags down and leave them outside the car. He didn’t want us tarnishing his craft.
Pancake Making
I’m pretty sure my Dad missed his calling in life. Sure, he managed to start an incredibly successful printing business, but I think he might have been better suited grilling pancakes at IHOP. How did he make them so circular? Was he using a protractor? Not only that, but I think he would have revolutionized the way a paper hat and apron are worn.
Boat Parking
My Dad could park his 7-foot-wide boat into a 7-foot-one-inch slot in the middle of a tsunami while sipping on a Fresca and telling me about his golf game. Give me a 25-foot-wide slot and I’ll still manage a solid bank shot off the cement wall (with only minor damage to the paint job).
Knowledge Giving
I don’t know where all this information came from, but my Dad will throw random knowledge around like a frisbee. He’ll effortlessly weave the shorthand way to convert Fahrenheit to Celsius, a little known fact about Millard Fillmore, the capital of Angola, and how Daylight Savings Time originated* into our dinnertime conversation.
Tone Crushing
I would rather be beaten by a piece of rebar than have my Dad give me the tone of disappointment. It was this tone that single-handedly kept me from drinking throughout high school.
Wonder Sprinting
Even in my athletic prime (7th grade), my Dad could still kill me in a foot race. I don’t understand it. I was the one practicing and training while he was sitting behind a desk all day. How do you explain a middle-aged man running a 4.4 forty?
Change Giving
I’m not sure, but I think my Dad’s pleated khakis magically replenish correct change for a ten in the pockets. Whether it’s to tip a valet, pay a toll, give to the homeless, he’s always got a couple bucks handy (which is good, because the homeless don’t like to make change for a twenty, I’ve found).
Did your dad have any obscure superpowers? Anything that, to this day, still inspires wonder?
*Subtract 30 and divide by 2; He was named after his mother, Phoebe Millard Fillmore; Luanda; to save energy for war production during WWI by taking advantage of the later hours of daylight between April and October
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The car ___ changing tires, changing oil, fixing the alternator, or just washing it. And all in the driveway before dinner.
I know how to read most of the gauges on the dashboard.
Wow…every one of these so true. I actually quizzed dad on his step-by-step pancake making skills and at least I can now flip them without half the batter ending up on the counter. You forgot a couple of things, though
Cross-Country Driving- Dad could pack us in the car and drive us to California and not blink an eye. All while filtering complaints from his 3 kids. I practically fall asleep at the wheel just driving to the grocery store and I'm still the one complaining.
Extraordinary Patience- Going to the airport is a stressful time, but to do it with 3 kids, 18 suitcases and navigate us through Atlanta-Hartsfield without getting frustrated in the least is extraordinary. I guess there's something to say about leaving for the airport at 6 a.m. for a 3 p.m. flight.
The amazing ability to watch a game while sleeping. Actually snoring during a 4th quarter blow out but have the awareness to say " I'm watching that" as you quietly try to change the channel.
What a great Father's Day salute! Or were you just trying to get out of getting a gift!!! By the way, Jeff Sullivan must know your dad too.
Home repair – maybe more of a man skill than a dad skill, but I grew up watching my dad fix everything like it was the easiest thing he ever did.
And for the pancakes, they must have learned that in school or something because I can't make pancakes at all and my dad used to make pancakes in the shapes of animals. At least I have a waffle iron – it's not as fun as a turtle or cat shape pancake, but it will do.
This goes along with the "Change Giving" ability. My father somehow had the ability to keep the contents from an entire convenience store inventory in his pockets. Here is a sample of the items that he always had in his pockets:
Wallet (which included so many items itself that, when folded, it was about 4 inches thick)
Chapstick
Nail Clippers
Comb (all the more odd since my dad is bald)
Halls cough drops
Gum
Pen Knife
Handkerchief
Clip-ons for his glasses
Phone (large and outdated, making it all the more impressive that it actually fit into his pocket)
Pipe, tobacco, and matches
Pens from various hotels
There were other, seasonal items that would occasionally make their way into his pockets, but the items above are always there. I'm a dad myself now, and feel like a bit of a failure because all I have in my pockets is a nearly empty wallet and a cellphone.
I think this is a great post too that your dad will love! Our dads share quite a few of the same "superpowers"…although I don't think my dad could cook a pancake like yours could.
P.S. Thanks for giving the info at the bottom. The celsius thing would've bugged me, but not enough to look for it on my own.
my dad had The Claw. somehow with just his thumb and first two fingers placed between my neck and shoulder he could pinch every nerve in my body. This was most effective if we were sitting one pew in front of him at church and started talking. out of nowhere i'd feel pressure on my shoulder and suddenly lose my ability to speak and control my bowels. it was amazing.
my dad also had the super car packing skill and cross-country driving skill
Jedi Mink Trick – Confession
He walks through the door from a hard day at work ( just happy to see the family ). He moves in to give you a hug, and you immediately break down and tell him what you did wrong that day. It worked everyday on my brother as he would break down and tell dad everything he did wrong and I did wrong. Little did my dad know that after taking me to see "The Empire Strikes Back ". I had chosen to go to the dark side so his jedi tricks did not work on me. Which was a bad choice because it translated into a few more spankings for me than my bro.
I couldn't beat my dad in a footrace until I was almost 17 years old…how do they run so fast!
The ability to wake up and leave for work undetected. Then not return home until I was asleep that night. I think that my dad is the villain in this whole "super power" analogy.
One cool think is discovering new things about dad that he never told you when you were younger. A few years ago my dad all of a sudden started going (and taking me) to top fuel drag races up in Commerce…came to find out he used to drag his '67 corvette. I couldn't believe it. He also won a marksmanship award in the Army, which I recently discovered. Stud.
Ping-Pong…Unbelievable.
Ill add on to the heroics…
1) Even with his success, he never spoiled the kids (well, somewhat but let me explain). Whenever I went out to dinner he always gave me the exact amount of money I needed. I never had extra bills in my pocket from the change I received at dinner. "Oh your going to El T, here's 7.88 for your nachos and sweet tea. He's very thrifty with money. How?
2) Car washes- I dont know how a man keeps his cigar lit, and has his choice beverage in hand while he has a soap glove on the other hand and details the car. When he is done, it looks like its right out of the dealership. Im still trying to get that bird crap off my windshield from last October…
3) I just hope when my first child comes I know about every car from a 63 Corvette to a 2013 Toyota Laser-Bird. (I dont know about it but just ask my dad)
4) Keeping to his strict business policies- He's not even afraid to fire his lazy a** sons for not showing up to work one day. Lesson learned…
If y'all aren't spoiled, I don't know who is!!
these are all funnier because i know bill, and they're so true. i would also add that i've never met a man who could dress more appropriately for any occasion- whether he's driving his boat celebrating and anniversary, bill is THE standard bearer for all other dressers.
My dad has an uncanny sense of direction. One can ask him how to get to the local IHOP … He will tell you five different ways to get there. He's a human GPS!
steak cooking….serious….delicious……
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