DBTG: The Inexperienced Mic Handler
June 18th, 2009 - Don't Be That Guy - 20 Comments »
I don’t get Inexperienced Mic Handlers. They’ve seen correct microphone execution before. They know, in theory, what one should do to amplify his voice. Yet somehow, when they’re up on stage, handing them a microphone is the equivalent of handing them a lit stick of dynamite. All sense of reason leaves them and one of the following alter-egos emerge:
The Long Distancer
You never realized how long this guy’s arms were until he got up on stage to speak into a hand-held mic. What could possibly make him think that waist-level, three feet away from the body is proper mic positioning?
The Breather
It appears that this person ran a few laps before getting up on stage to talk. His 30-second announcement turns into a four-and-a-half minute display of how not to breathe through the mouth.
The Inhaler
I’ve seen make-out sessions less scandalous than The Inhaler speaking into a microphone. This guy gives the audience an all-too-intimate glimpse of what is happening on the inside of his mouth. I think I could actually hear him getting a cavity. How is he not getting shocked with all that electricity and saliva in such close proximity?
The Gesturer
No one needs a mic stand more than this guy. He thinks that waving his hands around in the air is making his story more exciting, but it’s just leaving the audience confused and mad. “Great story pal. I caught a few you know’s and something about a steam engine, but other than that, it just looked like you were telling me “wide” in sign language the whole time.”
The Checker
Check. Check one-two. Is this thing on? Can you hear–? Check. I’m not hearing it. Test. Nothing. Test. TEST. Am I on? Can you hear me? I’M NOT GETTING ANYTHING! This is ridic– Are we good? Finally? Yeah, I think we’re good. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…
How else is The Inexperienced Mic Handler displayed?
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How about holding the mic like it is a phone, then when someone tells you that isn't right, you look at them like they have two heads and just flip the mic, but leave it up to your ear.
Kind of like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcujGqRiNvE&fe...
To go along with The Checker, I think of the lead singer to a lot of mediocre bands who happens to know the exact volume his mike should be when he's playing a song. You can tell his frustration when he keeps giving a finger up or a finger down to the sound booth during his songs. It never seems quite right because he's still expressing his disappointment with the amateur sound booth guy an hour into the show. After all, it's the sound booth guy's fault they haven't made it big.
Seriously. Poor sound guy. He's like a ref. People only notice when he blows it.
Another part of the checker, but the tapper. Anyone who knows mics knows you don't tap, that is so annoying, like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.
THE CONFESSOR: First awkward words out of the mouth are always… "Um… I hate talking into these things…" Thanks for sharing that. Makes me hate listening to you talk into that thing now.
THE SURPRISED BY SOUND GUY: Seems to be surprised that speaking into the mic actually amplifies his/her voice. "Wow… that's louder." What do you think it did, genius?
THE TOO CLOSE TALKER: Often found during award show presentations. This person feels the need to lean incredibly close and yell into a multi-thousand dollar mic that can pick up a needed drop from 90 feet away. It isnt a soup can with a string on it, kid. No need to get that close. I know you are a 6 foot 1 and all, but, trust me, it can pick up your voice from "way up" there.
John- those are amazing. I laughed out loud at least four times reading this, especially the 6'1" part.
the "there is a reason we only ask you to make the occasional 30 second announcement, guy"? contrary to popular belief, it is not a big deal to be on stage at a medium sized church. this is not your 15 minutes of fame. quit savoring it. just tell me when the cookout is and go sit down next to your wife so she can say, "good job honey," and we will all feel better about ourselves.
It was this very thing (along with some other gems) last week that gave me the idea for this post.
"Not Necessary Guy" – The guy that decides he can talk loud enough and doesn't need to use the mic. He usually starts off by saying "Everyone can hear me without the mic, right?" and then ignores everyone's answers. On the bright side, the first three rows enjoy his talk…
Isn't he the one who also intentionally doesn't plug his guitar in so it will feel more intimate?
Bad Breath Guy – Ever had the joys of stepping up to a mic just after someone with rancid breath has been talking, or better yet singing, into it for a solid hour? Those thin little wind screens do more than just block air, they effectively trap the stink. I've experienced it first hand. It was so bad I had to switch microphones with the rhythm guitar player who only wanted to have a mic to make the ladies think he could sing.
This might be why the Long Distancer exists. He's trying to avoid the halitosis-stained microphone. Maybe I should be a little easier on him.
there's the hold the mic right at the chin guy. it's hard to explain, a visual example might be helpful here. . . or wait, it's like the dude (or dudette) is eating an ice cream cone. . . to his/her chin.
the mic shouldn't really make any contact with your face, and it should, ideally, be within reasonable range of your mouth, which is where all the sound is coming from, right?
I know exactly what you're referring to. It's extra brutal when they have a goatee or beard. Then you just hear that bristle sound for the duration of the announcement.
blech. [shudders at imagined sound of bristling].
i just saw your comment, and maybe all they really need is a mic stand and a piece of tape indicating the distance from which they should stand.
speaking of mic stands. . . i'm not a fan of the clutch/dip/rocking out of the mic stand especially if the mic is not wireless.
THE RAPPER – instead of grabbing the mic on the handle, he grabs it so that two fingers are covering the mesh windscreen. his voice is all muddled as he talked, and you're waiting for him to invert the mic so the handle is in the air while he breaks into an unedited version of "Dre Day".
I only know about the Rapper because I get scolded for doing it every time (the improper hold, not the Dre Day)
Will you do a video blog post of you doing Dre Day? You could do it this weekend when you're speaking. Dr. Dre makes an awesome ice breaker.
I hate the blower… the one who thinks tapping is rude, so they blow into it, don't hear anything, then blow harder, and before you know it people are ducking under their seats from the F5 tornado they think is blowing just outside the church.
The opposite of the "Not Necessary Guy":
Deeply trusting in technolgy, barely making a sound with his pure voice he completeley relies on amplification. The amps and speakers are exhausted, unexpected, ear-cutting feedback-screetching everytime you manage to truly listen and he still does not succeed in being loud enough. Mostly experienced with rock bands but hey – who wants to lower the guitar's volume anyway? Well and afterwards the PA was either shi**y and/or the sound guy screwed it.
Truly scary is the fact, that this character does not necessarily exclude the ones already named. So in best case you'll get a bad-breath-feedback-screetching-checker with strange gesture.
You need to include "the adjuster" the person that feels it is necessary to adjust his mic stand or gooseneck and make all kinds of annoying sounds!