During a recent family trip to the lake, a rainy day resulted in an unfortunate E!/VH1 marathon. I’m not proud of it. As we made our way into what seemed like the seventh consecutive hour, I began to formulate a valuable list of life lessons in my head, courtesy of all the good folks at those networks. Here are the 9 life lessons that I will undoubtedly pass along to my sons one day:

1. Never make a mistake. If you’re important enough, they will find a way to make an hour-long documentary about the time you, God forbid, wore a brown belt with black shoes.

2. Plastic surgery’s current purpose is to make a person less attractive. This is a big shift from its more traditional use of enhancing someone’s appearance. Excuse me Dr. 90210, can you take my perfectly normal lips and make the top one look like an inner tube?

3. Anything with the words “Spring Break” in the title is guaranteed to be unsuitable for children under 90.

4. The more absurd of a person you are, the more chance you have of getting your own show. Case in point: 50% of current reality shows on VH1.

5. For the latest on life’s most trivial matters, call on Ryan Seacrest (or go to tylerstanton.com).

6. If you’re ever feeling really bad about your lot in life, turn on an episode of New York Goes to Work. Money back guarantee: You’ll feel better about yourself in less than thirty seconds.

7. Superstars have it so good! They’re so lucky! They get to be followed around every single hour of every single day by hoards of cameras documenting them picking up a bag or unlocking their car or holding a cup! I shall not rest until I am a superstar.

8. What you wear is drastically more important than what you accomplish. The 72 hours devoted to Red Carpet of any event will attest to this fact. “Who are you wearing?” is in the running for the most ridiculous question ever asked.

9. Joel McHale will enhance any situation.

What else? What are some life lessons you’ve learned from these two highly valuable channels?
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