9 Life Lessons from E! and VH1
July 9th, 2009 - Uncategorized - 13 Comments »
During a recent family trip to the lake, a rainy day resulted in an unfortunate E!/VH1 marathon. I’m not proud of it. As we made our way into what seemed like the seventh consecutive hour, I began to formulate a valuable list of life lessons in my head, courtesy of all the good folks at those networks. Here are the 9 life lessons that I will undoubtedly pass along to my sons one day:
1. Never make a mistake. If you’re important enough, they will find a way to make an hour-long documentary about the time you, God forbid, wore a brown belt with black shoes.
2. Plastic surgery’s current purpose is to make a person less attractive. This is a big shift from its more traditional use of enhancing someone’s appearance. Excuse me Dr. 90210, can you take my perfectly normal lips and make the top one look like an inner tube?
3. Anything with the words “Spring Break” in the title is guaranteed to be unsuitable for children under 90.
4. The more absurd of a person you are, the more chance you have of getting your own show. Case in point: 50% of current reality shows on VH1.
5. For the latest on life’s most trivial matters, call on Ryan Seacrest (or go to tylerstanton.com).
6. If you’re ever feeling really bad about your lot in life, turn on an episode of New York Goes to Work. Money back guarantee: You’ll feel better about yourself in less than thirty seconds.
7. Superstars have it so good! They’re so lucky! They get to be followed around every single hour of every single day by hoards of cameras documenting them picking up a bag or unlocking their car or holding a cup! I shall not rest until I am a superstar.
8. What you wear is drastically more important than what you accomplish. The 72 hours devoted to Red Carpet of any event will attest to this fact. “Who are you wearing?” is in the running for the most ridiculous question ever asked.
9. Joel McHale will enhance any situation.
What else? What are some life lessons you’ve learned from these two highly valuable channels?
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Headlines are way more important than actual information:
"coming up, a star was seen making out with another star wearing a brown belt with black shoes…but later in the show we'll show you that guy on the red carpet…on tomorrow's show we'll stretch out everything we know about britney spears…next we'll give you life lessons from actors who suck at life…and that's our show for today – tune in tomorrow for zero information as we refuse to deliver any…but we promise to show a lot of pictures you already saw in US Weekly"
Beautifully said, Dave. Especially that last part.
That I was not as cool in the 80's or 90's as I would like to think I was.
"Plot" in life? I always thought it was "lot" in life. Who's right Tyler? Or, more importantly, who's wrong?
I don't know, but congratulations on making me second guess myself. I googled both and didn't find much. Anyone else know?
Sorry Tyler, it looks like "lot" is right…
http://www.macmillandictionary.com/dictionary/ame...
Dangit. I’ll go change it…but I’m not happy about it.
Girl I'm going to make you sweat. Sweat till you can't sweat no more.
no. 1 is so true man. they probably could squeeze it into two hours honestly.
i just know there must be something awesome happening on those stations because when i was a kid, my mom wouldn't let me watch them and now as an adult, my wife sighs at me when the tv lands there. i am considering purchasing a full size clock necklace, though…
I've learned I'm glad my mom wouldn't let me move to Hollywood to become a child star, even when I begged. One guest spot on Punky Brewster would've secured my future on Celebrity Rehab or even worse, Dancing With the Stars.
I've learned that the way to find love is to find a group of 20 or so dudes, sleep with them all, then pick out the least insufferable one. Then do all again a year later.
Can those shows on VH1 really be called reality?