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I Don’t Mean to Brag, But…

July 22nd, 2009 - Uncategorized - 17 Comments »

If you ever hear me start a sentence off with “I don’t mean to brag, but…”, my sole intention is to brag. You know how it is. There are just a few things we’re better at than everyone else and we won’t rest until the world knows. Luckily, I have a blog where I can broadcast these unique superlatives. Here are four things that, in my mind, I am incredible at.

Super Mario Bros.
I can beat this entire game in 5:53. That’s five minutes, fifty-three seconds. My senior year of college, my friend Adam and I got an original Nintendo and played this game for no less than three hours a day. Our main concern was speed (obviously), so if we died, or were off pace in any way, we’d reset the game and hand over the controller. That’s called discipline, my friends. That’s how you win championships.

One-Tripping
When it’s time to unload anything from our car, Amy and I yell out our battle cry “One-Trip Stantons!” to make sure everyone’s on the same page with what is about to happen (you think I’m kidding). I don’t care if it was a simple trip to the grocery store or an extended family vacation to Guadalupe, we’re getting everything back in that house in one trip. I’ll sometimes spend 7-8 minutes just standing there formulating a solid stacking plan. I’ll throw my back out, dent the car, scratch the doorjambs – whatever it takes. Sometimes you have to sacrifice to be the best.

Reverse Driving
I have a friend who would probably dispute this (Dan), but I’m pretty confident that I’m one of the best reverse drivers in the southeastern United States. I’m almost more confident driving in reverse than I am going forward. Average people like to park in such a way that leaving will be as easy as possible. I like to put myself in seemingly impossible situations so that I can wow the eventual passenger with my mastery of the exit. They’ve yet to comment on how awesome that maneuver just was, but I know they’re thinking it.

Sitting
When I was single, I could watch about thirteen consecutive hours of 24 in one sitting. I’d only get up to use the bathroom and to grab lunch, which usually amounted to a tube of barbecue Pringles and some tap water. Now that I’m married with kids I can only pull off about nine consecutive hours before my wife starts getting frustrated. I’ve tried telling her that she’s witnessing greatness, but she has a different word for it.

Your turn to brag. What are you amazing at?
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  • http://intensedebate.com/people/MarcoWill Marcus Williamson

    When I am on my game I would have to say I am amazing at Smash Bros.

  • David

    you would fit perfectly in New York as a one-tripper. i don't know that we've ever yelled out a battle cry – but you better believe we're gonna start. if you can't carry it in your two hands – you can't have it. period. i've risked all dignity by balancing items on my head just to make it all in one trip.

  • http://830eyes.wordpress.com Katie

    I'm pretty amazing at planning vacations – spend a week with me on vacation and you would be amazed at how efficiently the week progresses and how much you get to see without feeling overwhelmed. My sister once told me she liked traveling with me because she didn't have to do anything but show up.

  • http://joshlafayette.com Josh LaFayette

    I don't mean to brag, but I am the greatest at Super Mario World for the Super Nintendo (the best console ever created). I know every secret, and can pretty much beat the entire game blindfolded.
    Also, I can drink straight bourbon, dry, and not shed one tear.
    I can do all of this humbly.
    I pride myself on being humble.

  • Everett

    I can make the best Pterodactyl sound that you have ever heard a human make.

  • http://www.mymorgue.org Hayne

    I challenge both you and Dan to a reverse driving tournament.
    I am dead serious. Empty parking lot, cones, one car…
    (I just have to figure out how to get down there.)
    AND to make it more fun…..
    After the reverse heats… we back a lawnmower.
    Then we add a trailer to the vehicle, place the mower on the trailer and back from there.

    I absolutely mean to brag, but I can back a trailer up with almost dead accuracy.

    • dan

      Name the time and place.
      I was the first (in the world!) to claim reverse driving superiority, therefore the title is mine until someone dethrones me…and declaring it in your ego-centric blog does not constitute a (valid) dethrone.

      • Scott

        You're gonna have to count me in on this contest (minus the trailer heat). I don't just impress people with my reverse driving, I scare them. "Don't you want to turn around before you go down this long, curvy, very steep driveway?" No, no I don't. And I'm going to back down it at 30 mph, so buckle up. Also, how often do you 1-point parellel park a truck in downtown Decatur? Always? Me too!

  • David

    I would travel to see the Reverse Driving Champions of the Southeast 2K9 (RDCOTS2K9)

  • Tyler Brooks

    You may be good at backing a car, but I am a freaking surgeon when it comes to backing up a UHaul moving truck. Give me a narrow ally and a back door and I will have you out of our crappy one bedroom apt. in an hour!

  • Mom

    Give me a grill and i will show you magic… most of the time

    • Kyle

      So that was from me on our moms computer. But im glad i did that for the image of mom flippin some burgers. Never ever seen that happen.

  • nate

    one of your bests posts ever…

  • Philly

    Tyler, you also really excel at judging people. Behind Jon A. and me, you are probably the best I know.

  • Leigh

    Sadly, these days I can only brag about how quickly I can get in and out of the gorcery store with 3 weeks worth of food but had you asked this question in '85 I'd have said:
    "I can shoot-the-duck like nobody's business."

    If you don't know what this means don't even talk to me. Seriously.

  • Bryan

    I'd like to claim top 5 in "Best Estimating." Don't give me something stupid like how many grains of sand there are in the world, but ask me anything like mileage from Seattle to Miami or candy corn in a plastic pumpkin and you won't even need to take out your iPhone to check my accuracy.

    On the flip side, I really think I'm one of the worst Halo players of all-time. If you are ever feeling down about yourself, please play me and turn your day around.

  • LuAnn

    I don't mean to brag but…. I can parallel park anywhere. It doesn't matter how big the vehicle I can do it. I drove a Ford Expedition for 8 years and could park it anywhere, just try me!