After spending a week in Florida, I can’t help but think that we’re not all on the same page when it comes to social acceptability at the beach. Unfortunately, we cannot depend on a person’s common sense, which is why I feel it is important to compile a list of rules that every beach-goer should have to read before stepping foot on the sand. Here’s what I have so far:

1. The foot-rinse hose is not a shower.
Once the grizzled old woman in front of me was finished hosing off her feet and ankles, I reached out for the hose pass… but it never came. Instead, she took off her watch and hairband, then violently bent over and slowly started washing her upper back and the underside of her hair. As my discomfort grew, I couldn’t help but feel like I was intruding on a very intimate moment. Does she even know I’m here? I just wanted to wash the sand off my feet. When her husband sidled up beside me and asked what I was staring at, I made some hurried comment about the rusted spigots and walked off, deciding a little sand on my feet wasn’t going to hurt anyone.

2. I will kill your football.
Hey Johnny Teenager, if you’re football lands near my son again, I’m going to get out of the pool (yes, actually get out) and stab it several times with that bottle opener over there. Then I’m going to punt it towards that row of Harleys in the adjacent parking lot and blame you when the owners come storming over here pissed off. “Yeah, like I’m throwing the football with my two-year-old,” I’ll tell them. Then you’ll get yours.

3. Yawn at your own risk.
Yawning at the beach is now unsafe. If your mouth is open for more than a second, the dude next to you will have managed to coat your tonsils with the spray sunscreen that he’s unsuccessfully applying to his back (Just point it back there and spray, he thinks). I recommend sporting a doctor’s mask. Sure, the doctor’s mask tan is a little more embarrassing than the sunglasses tan, but at least you’ll be able to taste your shrimp scampi that night.

4. Move.
Hey guy, guess who I don’t want blocking my view? You. I didn’t drive six hours with two screaming children to sit here and watch you unsuccessfully skim board for three hours. I would move my chairs, my umbrella, the 47 toys, the cooler, my four books, my two boys, and the baby pool, but it just seems more practical for you to relocate. Oh, and I’d stick to body surfing if I were you.

Please, add to the list.
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