This is a video we made a few years ago for North Point’s Concert on the Lawn.

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If you ever hear me start a sentence off with “I don’t mean to brag, but…”, my sole intention is to brag. You know how it is. There are just a few things we’re better at than everyone else and we won’t rest until the world knows. Luckily, I have a blog where I can broadcast these unique superlatives. Here are four things that, in my mind, I am incredible at.

Super Mario Bros.
I can beat this entire game in 5:53. That’s five minutes, fifty-three seconds. My senior year of college, my friend Adam and I got an original Nintendo and played this game for no less than three hours a day. Our main concern was speed (obviously), so if we died, or were off pace in any way, we’d reset the game and hand over the controller. That’s called discipline, my friends. That’s how you win championships.

One-Tripping
When it’s time to unload anything from our car, Amy and I yell out our battle cry “One-Trip Stantons!” to make sure everyone’s on the same page with what is about to happen (you think I’m kidding). I don’t care if it was a simple trip to the grocery store or an extended family vacation to Guadalupe, we’re getting everything back in that house in one trip. I’ll sometimes spend 7-8 minutes just standing there formulating a solid stacking plan. I’ll throw my back out, dent the car, scratch the doorjambs – whatever it takes. Sometimes you have to sacrifice to be the best.

Reverse Driving
I have a friend who would probably dispute this (Dan), but I’m pretty confident that I’m one of the best reverse drivers in the southeastern United States. I’m almost more confident driving in reverse than I am going forward. Average people like to park in such a way that leaving will be as easy as possible. I like to put myself in seemingly impossible situations so that I can wow the eventual passenger with my mastery of the exit. They’ve yet to comment on how awesome that maneuver just was, but I know they’re thinking it.

Sitting
When I was single, I could watch about thirteen consecutive hours of 24 in one sitting. I’d only get up to use the bathroom and to grab lunch, which usually amounted to a tube of barbecue Pringles and some tap water. Now that I’m married with kids I can only pull off about nine consecutive hours before my wife starts getting frustrated. I’ve tried telling her that she’s witnessing greatness, but she has a different word for it.

Your turn to brag. What are you amazing at?
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(This is a special Tuesday edition of the Saturday Morning Guest Post. It’s from Bryan Allain, one of the funniest bloggers on Planet Earth. If you haven’t already, go check out his blog directly after you get finished reading.)

Let’s get real for a second: we all take dumps. And like it or not, there’s going to come a time when you’ve got to answer the call of nature at your place of work. When you do, here’s a few rules to live by:

1. Do Not Bring Visible Reading Material Into the Stall With You

Just because you read the entire USA Today while pooping at home, doesn’t mean you can get away with it in a public setting. Few things gross out strangers more than the thought of you feeding the toilet while enjoying an Op-Ed piece, so do us all a favor and hide the article as you walk into the bathroom. If you want to bring reading material into the crapper, fold it up and stick it in your pocket. If It’s too big for that, tuck it into your waistband and hide it under your shirt. Just make sure you have a quick route to the bathroom before someone tries to corral you into a convo. Nothing worse than talking to your boss with loose leaf paper jabbing you in the ribs.

2. Do Not Advertise Who You Are

Once you’re comfortable on the throne, do a quick check of the area around your feet to make sure you’re not selling ad space for yourself. If you’ve got an ID badge clipped to your belt, make sure your pretty face isn’t staring out at everyone else in the bathroom. Sure, you’ve got every right to stink the place out and go to town, as long as you do it in anonymity. But the moment I know that it’s Jason from Sales in there pinching off loaves, I know too much.

3. Do Not Continue Conversations from Behind the Stall Door

Trust me on this one: there is nothing so important to talk about that it can’t wait until after you’ve lost a few pounds making deposits at the bank of stank. A few weeks ago I was trying to pee when two guys walked into the bathroom in the middle of a conversation. The one guy hit the urinals and continued the exchange while the other guy dropped trow and started grunting out cross-court winners. You could literally hear him catching his breath between pushes so he could keep the conversation going. Unacceptable.

4. Do Not Take Any Phone Calls on the Pot

I dont care if it’s your wife, your boss, or Locke from LOST. Let it go to voicemail. The hushed, “can’t talk…in the bathroom” thing never works out and leaves everyone involved feeling a little dirty.

5. Do Not Engage in the Simultaneous Exit

This is, by far, my biggest bathroom pet peeve. If I’m in one stall and you’re in the next, you better recognize that we are going to be leaving our commodes one at a time and NOT simultaneously. Here’s the rule: the person that starts with the toilet paper first gets to finish and leave before the second person can leave. I swear to you, my biggest nightmare is a simultaneous exit from adjacent stalls where me and some other dude just started World War 3 on the sewer system. And then as we step out together I try to avoid eye contact, but I can’t. And he looks over at me with a smile on his face and asks for a high-five.

Please, don’t be that guy.

This is a video we did last year with Andy Stanley.

Look familiar?
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1. Favorite Video – How could I have gone 16 years without seeing this?

2. Favorite AFP Photos – click to enlarge

3. Favorite Book/Movie – Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

4. Favorite New Show – Michael and Michael Have Issues

5. Favorite Website – retrocomedy.com (home of this, this, and this)

6. Favorite Auto-Tuning of the News

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