1. Favorite Movie – (500) Days of Summer
2. Favorite TV Show – Summer Heights High
3. Favorite Comments – These
4. Favorite AFP Photo -
5. Favorite Upcoming Movie – Extract
6. Favorite Obscure Display of Athleticism – Synchronized Acrobatic Roadbiking
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1. I’m currently reading Twilight (and I like it).
2. Yesterday’s comments were my favorite ever on this blog.
3. I’m leaving Young Life staff in December. I’m going to pursue acting and writing and hosting and making people laugh for a living.
4. Because of #3, I’m doing two jobs right now – trying to finish up strong with Young Life, while also trying to get this new thing off the ground.
5. Because of #4, I’m making it a goal to only blog 3-5 times a week, instead of every single day. On the days I don’t post, I’d suggest you spend those few minutes stretching.
6. Because of #1, I’m now interested in what Us Weekly has to say about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart.
7. Because of Y2K, I still have a 1100 lbs. of dry goods in my basement.
8. Because of #7, we’re having flour nuggets for dinner tonight (and tomorrow night).
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…if you have a Tasmanian Devil tattoo on your arm
…if you excessively decorate your front yard for all major holidays
…if you order half Diet Coke/half regular Coke
…if your method of carrying your phone is the hip-clip
…if you frame pictures of your pets
…if your favorite movie stars the Wayans Brothers
…if you wear sunglasses indoors
…if you forward me emails with an animated American flag
…if you use MySpace
…if your biceps are bigger than your thighs
…if you wear your bluetooth device outside your car
…if you wear black t-shirts with witty phrases on the front
…if you’re still using AOL
…if you ever tell me how many points you scored in a game
…if you’re still impersonating Ace Ventura
Your turn. What else tells you a lot about a person?
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I’m not sure how it happened, but there are a few places in this world where it is still socially acceptable to litter. I think the constant campaigning for a greener planet and environmental responsibility has caused us to seek refuge in the few areas where littering is still OK. Where might those be, you ask?
Movie Theaters
There’s something so freeing about finishing a movie… and just walking away. I enter the room heavy-laden, a tub of popcorn in one arm and a tub of Dr. Pepper in the other, and leave burden-free. I like to think I’m helping out the employees, you know, by giving them something to do in addition to interrupting my movie to count the number of people in the theater.
Airplane Seat-Back Pouch
You’ve left me no choice, Delta. When I don’t even have enough room to take a deep breath, I’m going to have to get creative with where I put things. After I finish my bag of seven mini-pretzels, the chances of me waiting half-an-hour to put it in your trash bag are slim-to-none. Sure, my leg room is impeded even more when I stuff a foot-long sandwich down there and the pouch fans out into my crotch, but at this point it’s a matter of principal.
Friend’s Truck Bed
If anyone deserves this, it’s your truck-friend. He never has to drive anywhere (except that one time a year when you need to move a giant file cabinet). I try to toss my Chick-fil-A bag back there when he’s not looking so that, when he finds it a week-and-a-half later, he thinks its his own doing.
Recycling Bin
And then there are those times where you just can’t muster up enough energy to walk all the way to the trashcan, so you just toss it in the recycling bin instead, hoping to pull a fast one on the guys down at Waste Industries. What’s that, sir? This grocery bag full of steak fat isn’t recyclable? Since when?
Are there any other places I need to know about where littering is OK?
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A few months ago I entered an “unconventional writing contest” for a site called The Art of Nonconformity. I lost. I don’t know if it’s because it was terrible, or because I tried to write a comedy piece for a serious site. My guess is that its both. The good news is that I can put it on my site now. Those of you who’ve been here since the beginning will probably notice that I used some ideas that I’ve written about before. So, without further ado, here she is…
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The Unconventional Guide to Driving
I believe Driver’s Ed has fallen woefully short in helping today’s drivers excel behind the wheel. Sure, you’ll learn your share of moderately important information, but I believe they’ve missed the point. They’ve presented driving to us as a task, a means of getting from one place to another, as opposed to what it truly is – an art form. This is why I’ve come up with the Unconventional Guide to Driving, a guide that is sure to enrich your experience behind the wheel, as well as the experiences of those around you.
The Pre-Wave
The Pre-Wave is one of the most essential tools in the tool belt of any driver. What is a pre-wave, exactly? With a simple raise of the hand, you essentially thank a person in advance for letting you cut him off. Proper execution enables you to effectively squeeze on in while making your victim think it was his idea. You accomplish your goal, and he spends the rest of the day feeling good about himself. It’s a win-win.
The Thumbs Up
One of the most foundational truths of driving is that you’re going to get cut off – a lot. Chances are, the guy who just cut you off has seen the middle finger a million times. I mean, look at him. If you really want him to understand the depths of your anger, though, give him a overly-sarcastic thumbs up. I’ve found that the greater amount of torso you can stick out the window while doing it, the greater the return on investment.
The Vanity Plate
The longest line you’ll ever stand in is at the DMV. You’re guaranteed to experience the gambit of emotions during your extended stay, including the desire to get a vanity license plate. I cannot stress this enough – this desire is foolish and fleeting. Acting upon your ignorant impulse to brand your car (and yourself) with KOOLKAT will cause you nothing but pain and regret for years to come.
The Respect
You have every right to be angry. After all, the guy in front of you just cut you off. But before you go dishing out a sarcasm-drenched thumbs up, take into account what he just pulled off. He managed to squeeze his Suburban into a gap the size of a cowboy hat. Let’s take the road rage down a notch and acknowledge the greatness that happened (really closely) in front of us. If you had done that you’d be bragging about it at the water cooler for the next four-and-a-half years.
The Pick-and-Roll
Whether or not you view the subject of picking your nose in the car as inappropriate, we need to establish one thing – everyone does it. The key here is what to do once the deed has been done. The Pick-and-Roll has become the standard form in most regions of North America. After a stealthy pick (so your passengers don’t notice), roll it to your preferred consistency, and discretely discard it with a quick fling out the window or a swipe onto your pre-determined area under the driver’s seat.
The Honk
Everyone knows that honking is the new Morse Code. You’re able to communicate your emotions with incredible detail, just by varying your honk length and frequency. Anything under one second should be translated as a friendly salutation, while exceeding one second communicates a desire to punch another driver in the face. Use with extreme caution!
I hope you’ll take these suggestions to heart, and that your driving experience will forever be enhanced by their implementation.
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I’ve noticed that there are many unconventional and illogical ways that we communicate certain emotions. Here are some ridiculous, yet common, ways I’ve seen concern expressed in the past couple weeks:
Eye-Closed Head Nod
This seems to be the go-to for anyone on the receiving end of a troubling conversation. I honestly don’t know whether you’re responding to me or silently jamming to Boom Boom Pow.*
Arm Grab
If the blind nods aren’t cutting it, reach out and clutch their forearm. Apparently, there’s a pressure point in there that, if you squeeze just right, will make all the world’s problems go away.
Hmm
I don’t know how to say this tactfully, but I’m OK with silence between my sentences. I know your “hmm’s” are just an attempt to be both affirming and engaging, but I get the feeling you’re trying to subtly imply that I should speak louder. I’m pouring my heart out, for crying out loud. Let me choose the volume.
Whisper
The opposite side of the Hmm coin is the concerned whisper. I know you feel like speaking at a normal volume would have a disconcerting edge to it, but the last thing I want to do in my moment of vulnerability is strain to hear your voice. Again, let me choose the volume.
Bless Your Heart
The last time this phrase had any impact whatsoever was in 1953. I vote we treat it like an old penny and take it out of circulation.
*If I ask you what you think, and you tell me that I’m “so two-thousand-and-late”, you’ve successfully confirmed my suspicions. There isn’t much hope of recovery at this point.
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