Hard to Purchase
August 3rd, 2009 - Uncategorized - 13 Comments »I’ve recently started making a list of the most difficult things in life to purchase. Here’s what I have so far…
Pillows
Losing a pillow is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. It means that you are now slated with the impossible task of selecting another one. Nothing gives you an accurate feel for a potential pillow like standing in the store with it pinched between your shoulder and oddly tilted head. I don’t know why I think this is a good idea. I end up choosing one that, when lying horizontally, turns out to have the girth of a rolled-up sleeping bag. I then return it and start the process all over again.
Sunglasses
I’ve yet to find a non-vain way to try on sunglasses. Once you find that little mirror sliver that only reflects half the width of your face, you try on a pair and snap your head/body around shamelessly, making sure you look awesome from all angles. You don’t, of course, so you try on 35 more pairs, eventually giving up and settling for the ones that you soon find out make you look like what Harry Potter would look like if he had those glasses that automatically darkened in the sun.
Standard Oil Change with High-Mileage Car
Whenever I see an oil change advertised for $18.99, I assume they’re talking to me. When I enter the store, I find out I’m grossly mistaken. The conversation usually goes something like this:
Auto Guy: What can I do for you?
Me: I’d like that $18.99 oil change.
Auto Guy: OK. How many miles on your 4Runner?
Me: About 160,000.
Auto Guy: [Smugly] Psshh – I don’t think so. Do you hate your car?
Me: No, I love it. That’s why I’m changing it’s oil. It’s just this thing we do.
Auto Guy: Well I’m not putting my reputation on the line by putting that crap oil in a high-mileage car.
Me: Well how much is the high mileage oil change?
Auto Guy: Forty-nine bucks.
Me: [Smugly] Psshh – I don’t think so. Do you hate business?*
Feminine Hygiene
This one is by far the most cliche of the bunch, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s an all-around miserable experience. After studying the empty box at home for a good seven minutes (you know, to get the color scheme and phrasing memorized), I can now approach the aisle with confidence. When I see one of my high school teachers hovering around the product I need, I decide that they must be out of that particular item and return home empty-handed.
Please help me add to the list.
*See what I did there? I turned the tables. At this point he stares at me, I “take my business elsewhere”, have the same conversation at three other lube shops, and finally end up paying $65 for the ultra-high mileage oil change because it includes a 4-pack of Castrol GTS pens and a Mark Martin koozie.
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I climb four or five nights a week and have to use lotion to combat all the chalk I put on my hands. Maybe it's just me, but there is no way for a guy to feel comfortable buying lotion…
a friend of mine once sent me to the store on the way to his wedding to pick him up some, uh… "warming products," and his mother was standing right next to me at the check-out line. yikes. (that friend of mine was tyler, that's what makes this funny)
I shall neither confirm nor deny this.
I wish I had never read this.
Nate, believe me, that was one of my most embarrassing moments! I was buying flowers for the limo ride!
nate, that's hilarious.
Before my wedding day, my best friend and I had to run to the drug store to purchase some items for the big night. I had never purchased condoms before, and needed some help I guess, but I didn't consider the fact that there would be 2 guys at the counter purchasing condoms together. That was hard to purchase.
This isn't exactly a purchase, per se, but my wife "allowed" me to take my daughter for a haircut the other day. Try choosing a haircut for your daughter!
Feminine Hygiene products can be awkward to buy even if you are female.
I find it nearly impossible to buy a properly fitting pair of jeans. You'd think with so many brands, sizes and styles out there would be at least a few perfect pairs for everybody. But noooooo……..
"Feminine Hygiene products can be awkward to buy even if you are female.
I find it nearly impossible to buy a properly fitting . . ."
I was a little worried about where this was headed. Glad she said jeans.
Mark Martin doesn’t drive the castrol car. You got ripped off.
i bought my wife old lady diapers once. she has never asked me to buy girl stuff since. an act of brilliance on my part.
Try buying a family member an enema. There are choices, you know.