Much of my high school and college experience was devoted to cramming for tests, only to permanently forget the information before I even left the classroom (which I guess would explain why I recently thought water was an element and that Napoleon Bonaparte was a left-handed pitcher for the Cleveland Indians). Unfortunately, as Amy pointed out the other day, I haven’t outgrown this particular lifestyle. I cram…

Before the Dentist
There’s nothing quite like carving up your gums with dental floss the day before your dental appointment. No matter how delicate my approach, I end up with a mouthful of plaque-blood and gums so inflated that my son could use them as a pillow. Then the conversation at the dentist goes something like this:

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Me: I mean, I don’t floss, like, every second of every day.
Dentist: Yeah, but on a regular basis?
Me: Um, define “regular.”
Dentist: Whoopsie – I think your top gum just popped. Nevermind. I got my answer.

Before Shirtlessness
I’m going to a boat party this weekend and there’s about a 100% chance that I’ll do some push-ups in the bathroom before I take my shirt off. Some habits are just impossible to break. In high school I could pull off a 30-minute workout routine in the bathtub, come out sweating, and convince everyone that something I ate just wasn’t agreeing with me (and that I always take my shirt off when I take a dump).

Before Meeting Someone
If I’m going to meet up with someone that I haven’t seen in a while, you better believe I’m going to spend about half an hour on his Facebook profile’s Info tab, re-learning all the stuff we almost certainly talked about last time we hung out. It’s hard to work the fact that you know his favorite movie quote into a conversation without looking like a stalker, but he’ll forget all about it as soon as you rattle off his email address and AIM screen name.

Before We Have Guests Over
We have two kids, but my wife and I like to make our house appear as though we don’t whenever we have guests over. Every time it’s the same – pick up all the toys, hide the toys, buy some flowers, vacuum the carpet, mop the floor, steam clean the carpet, install new appliances, re-tile the bathroom, finish the basement, get our teeth whitened, and go to the tanning bed. Then, when our guests arrive, we inevitably follow up our greetings with a casual apology that our house is such a wreck. Suckers.

Please tell me we’re not the only crammers.
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