I’m a big believer that everyone, regardless of their gender or race or social status, should be able to star in a Colbert-esque news show intro. Recently, I got the call…

Thanks, Trey, for making this dream become a reality.
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1. Favorite Video – The Longest Way (we’ve all seen a video of someone taking a photo of themselves everyday for a long period of time, but this guy did it while walking from China to Germany and growing a massive beard)

2. Favorite Product – Bacon Lip Balm (thanks @loswhit)

3. Favorite Photos – Courtesy of, you guessed it, AFP

4. Favorite Caption from Yesterday – Bryan Stanton

“Tyler thought it would be funny to tell Baylor the real Santa Claus was at Lenox Mall. Great joke, dad.”*

5. Favorite Website – itemnotasdescribed.com

6. Favorite Highlights – SportsCenter Top Plays from July

*Somewhat of an inside joke, but I never said those were off limits.
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Today is Baylor’s 2nd birthday, so I thought I’d post a couple of my favorite pictures of him. The first is a Santa Fail from this past Christmas and the second is a ManBaby that my friend PJ created. The best caption on the Santa photo wins $10 and a trip with my family to see Santa next year.

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32. “Awk…ward”
When you’re in the middle of an awkward situation and you say that (you know, the high-pitched, brow-raised “awk….ward”), you’ve successfully made the situation 35x worse. Let’s just let the awkward silence play out – it’s better that way.

33. Touching My Screen
We’ve all been around the guy who really wants to show us something on the computer. Instead of simply pointing to the link he wants me to click, he stabs my screen with his index finger with a force that could pierce skin. It’s not really the smudges that get me – it’s the permanent rainbow-colored bruise on the center of my screen that will last until the end of time.

34. Buying Printer Ink
I would rather my computer literally spit in my face than have it warn me that my printer ink is running low. It’s the second worst warning that it can give me behind “An unexpected error occurred and your hard drive has exploded internally and is melting onto the motherboard as we speak (-1014).” There really is no feeling like spending $29.97 on an ink cartridge that will barely last last long enough to print a 13-page document.

35. Finishing Sentences Incorrectly
Dear sentence finisher, please know me well if you’re going to take on the task of finishing my sentences for me. You’re great and all, but we’ve had one too many of these conversations:

Me: So there I was, right in the middle of this–
Sentence Finisher: Hotel room?
Me: [Pause] No… Walgreens. So I’m in Walgreens, and I run into–
SF: The animal cracker display? And they all crashed to the ground and went everywhere?
Me: No. [Gathering myself]. No, I ran into Darren from my old neighborhood. Anyw–
SF: Anyway…
Me: Nevermind.
SF: What?

36. Announcing Sadness
I don’t feel like I should have to be the one to tell you this, but there are a variety of wonderful ways to express sadness. It seems though, that in recent years, exclaiming “Awww… sad” has surpassed crying, frowning, and lip-quivering as the standard form of communicating sorrow. I don’t know how we end it, but I’m determined to find out.

What’s bothering you?
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I’ve recently started making a list of the most difficult things in life to purchase. Here’s what I have so far…

Pillows
Losing a pillow is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. It means that you are now slated with the impossible task of selecting another one. Nothing gives you an accurate feel for a potential pillow like standing in the store with it pinched between your shoulder and oddly tilted head. I don’t know why I think this is a good idea. I end up choosing one that, when lying horizontally, turns out to have the girth of a rolled-up sleeping bag. I then return it and start the process all over again.

Sunglasses
I’ve yet to find a non-vain way to try on sunglasses. Once you find that little mirror sliver that only reflects half the width of your face, you try on a pair and snap your head/body around shamelessly, making sure you look awesome from all angles. You don’t, of course, so you try on 35 more pairs, eventually giving up and settling for the ones that you soon find out make you look like what Harry Potter would look like if he had those glasses that automatically darkened in the sun.

Standard Oil Change with High-Mileage Car
Whenever I see an oil change advertised for $18.99, I assume they’re talking to me. When I enter the store, I find out I’m grossly mistaken. The conversation usually goes something like this:

Auto Guy: What can I do for you?
Me: I’d like that $18.99 oil change.
Auto Guy: OK. How many miles on your 4Runner?
Me: About 160,000.
Auto Guy: [Smugly] Psshh – I don’t think so. Do you hate your car?
Me: No, I love it. That’s why I’m changing it’s oil. It’s just this thing we do.
Auto Guy: Well I’m not putting my reputation on the line by putting that crap oil in a high-mileage car.
Me: Well how much is the high mileage oil change?
Auto Guy: Forty-nine bucks.
Me: [Smugly] Psshh – I don’t think so. Do you hate business?*

Feminine Hygiene
This one is by far the most cliche of the bunch, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s an all-around miserable experience. After studying the empty box at home for a good seven minutes (you know, to get the color scheme and phrasing memorized), I can now approach the aisle with confidence. When I see one of my high school teachers hovering around the product I need, I decide that they must be out of that particular item and return home empty-handed.

Please help me add to the list.

*See what I did there? I turned the tables. At this point he stares at me, I “take my business elsewhere”, have the same conversation at three other lube shops, and finally end up paying $65 for the ultra-high mileage oil change because it includes a 4-pack of Castrol GTS pens and a Mark Martin koozie.
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