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The Phone Rules

September 3rd, 2009 - Uncategorized - 16 Comments »

I think we are very far from being on the same page when it comes to proper phone etiquette. This is my attempt to bring us together as one, united in the way we handle our phones. I present to you The Phone Rules.

Check it to my face.
When we’re sitting together at a table, what makes you think you’re being discrete when you check your phone under the table? Sinking your chin into your neck, frowning, and glancing south can only mean one thing.

Keep away message brief.
As I’ve said before, enough with the instructions. I’ve yet to find myself in a panic, wondering what to do after you’ve apologized for not answering your phone. Was it name, then number? Will they get back to me as soon as they can?

If possible, let’s just text.
My least favorite thing about my iPhone is talking on it. As a matter of fact, I haven’t liked talking on the phone since 8th grade when I spent hours talking to my girlfriend about…myself. So, if what you need can be wrapped up in a couple sentences, just text me. You’ll like the result much better.

Allow me to be away from my phone.
Where have you been? I’ve called like three times and left two messages! Are you OK? Did I do something wrong? Are you avoiding me? Hold on a minute, psychopath. I just went to the bathroom – number one, mind you. I was only away from my phone for 45 seconds. I will now be avoiding your calls.

A missed call gets you nothing.
I have a pretty strict policy about message leaving. If I see that I missed a call from my friend Nate and he doesn’t leave me a message, I assume that what he wanted/needed wasn’t important. I also have friends who cannot wrap their minds around this policy of mine. What don’t you understand? Logic?

You’re the only one who cares about your new ringtone.
You know when your phone starts ringing, or should I say “blaring that new Beyonce tune”, and you wait an extra second or two to answer it so that everyone around you hears it? Yeah, you’re the only one who likes that. The rest of us use the vibrate feature like adults.

What else needs to be added to the list?

And there’s no doubt you have people in your life that need to hear The Phone Rules. If you’re too scared to tell them these things yourself, send them here and I’ll take care of it for you.
___

  • http://redclaydiaries.com Steph @RedClay

    Only one rule comes to mind: Phone + Restroom Stall = NO. Just… NO. The only thing you could do worse is put it on speaker.

    (Although I admit that would be funny as heck to listen to… On the other end of the line.)

  • http://bryanallain.com/blog bryan a

    brilliant post Tyler. I'm with you all the way. Except for checking my phone under the table. I like to believe I can do it so stealthily, no one will know. If we ever break bread together, I will check my phone 5 times without you noticing.

    also, can you elaborate on the "The rest of us use the vibrate feature like adults." I want to hear more about this adult feature of vibrating from you.

  • mary

    how about saving your bluetooth option for car or home? when it first came out, I thought that we'd all just get used to people walking around looking like schizos, but… no. You STILL look like that. Just last week, the lady behind me at the grocery store had the unfortunate combo of small bluetooth and BIG hair. The scanner and I both looked at each other with the "This gal is CRAZY" look on our faces. Just as I was figuring out my emergency exit strategy through the outdoor furniture display using my shopping cart as a ramming rod, I realized that her earpiece was just hidden behind that big up-do. Both the scanner and I giggled the nervous laugh of relief…

  • Tim

    While I agree regarding the vibrate feature, I tend to treat other people's ringtones like a major league baseball player's music when they approach the plate. I feel like I know everything about them just by what music/quote they have chosen.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/joannamuses joannamuses

    If the person you are texting possibly doesn't have your number in their phone book or you are texting from a different number than usual for some strange reason, INCLUDE YOUR NAME IN THE MESSAGE!!!!! I don't like having to waste my messaging credits on "hi who is this" messages

    /rant

  • Bryan

    Didn't think it was possible, but Tyler thought of pretty much every one of my phone frustrations. To elaborate on the "Allow me to be away from my phone," if I'm wearing a tie and pants all day at work, you better believe I'm coming home to put on mesh shorts and no shirt just because I can. I shouldn't be punished for not carrying around my phone in my hand during this time.

  • Leigh

    I'm a cell phone message leaver/nonleaver hypocrite. I too refuse to call back if no message is left. No apologies. However, the other day Land's End "sales call lady" actually left a message (on my cell phone) and I was equally angered by her nerve.

    Dear Land's End, If it weren't for the magical, mystery material in your ladies swimwear, I would never order from your catalog again.

  • http://www.pjisamixtape.wordpress.com P.J.

    DISCLAIMER: I AM AN iPHONE SNOB,
    However I think it is completely unnecessary when the person who constantly boasts about still having the Nokia 3330 brick because it's "all they need", calls out said iPhone user for checking facebook, twitter, wikipedia (to settle an argument), or sporting event scores, every single time they look at their phone…who knows it may have even been a phantom vibrate on the leg in which case you need to see if you got an email or text…either way brick owner, LET IT GO, WE GET IT, YOU'RE STUCK IN THE MID-90s!

  • http://www.jarrodhaggard.blogspot.com Jarrod Haggard

    Great post. I agree with everything except, "a missed call gets you nothing." Here's the thing. I'd much rather just see that I have a missed call from you and call back, than have to check my voicemail just to delete a dumb message that says, "hey, nothing important, call me back, later dude!!!" For me, a missed call gets you everything, a voicemail that isn't important gets you blacklisted.

  • nate

    i can't believe i'm late to the party for a post in which i was mentioned. it's a big day for old nate. i'm pretty sure that was a negative reference, but i'll take it.

    also, when are you too old to try to make your away message funny? 10? 16? certainly no older than 23?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/photomom philly

    I totally agree that a missed call is nothing. On that note, if you have a missed call from me and a new message, don't call me back without listening to the message. I spent my time listening to your annoying, long, attempt to be funny in order to be able to leave it, so you'd better listen before calling me back.

  • Lollie

    I agree with you on all except the message. Don't waste my time making me listen to a message when you are going to tell me the same thing when I call you back. I see that you called, I don't need a message that says "Hi Lollie, It's your brother, call me back".

  • http://mymorgue.org hayne

    Ty,
    What about…?
    The Instant Double Call.
    Hey man. If I didn't answer the first time, you better be poisoned or on fire to call me a second time only 7 seconds later. And knowing that I'd be the last person you'd call if either one of those were happening, you better be my wife or an immediate family member for me to answer.
    Call me a third instantly after the second call…
    Contacts -> Scroll -> You -> Edit -> Deleted.

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/laurelkate Lokate

    I just have to chime in on this supa' old post to say my all time fave voicemail greeting is a pal's that says, "sorry you missed me. try again later."

  • http://180tampa.com Jerry White

    What an awesome old repost. Very enlightening. Obviously Tyler has trained the yahoos that call his vm so well they don't leave a message that says, "Hey dude call me back." Definitely the way to train them like Tyler did is to call that person at 4am and leave them a vm that says "Hey man, just returning your call, I figured it was real important so that's why I was calling at 4am. If it wasn't important, don't ever leave me a vm for unimportant stuff and I won't call you back at 4am, oh yeah, you should probably get up and go pee right now." I think they'll get it.