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An Open Letter to Dental Hygienists

October 15th, 2009 - Uncategorized - 12 Comments »

Dear Dental Hygienists,

I’m really grateful for what you do, but I have 8 small requests (in typical order of occurrence)…

1. Please refrain from carving your initials into my gums. I happened to catch a glimpse of my mouth after you finished attacking me with your metal scraper and it looked like I’d been chewing on ketchup packets for the past couple hours.

2. Please keep your disapproving “mmh”s to yourself. Even though I’m a whole two feet away from you, I can still hear your audible condemnation. I seriously felt like I was about to be grounded.

3. Please stop showing me x-rays. I really appreciate the gesture, but I have no clue what I’m looking at. Trying to locate that cavity you’re pointing out makes me feel a little like I’m staring (unsuccessfully) at a Magic Eye poster trying to see that 3D bald eagle.

4. Please eat something before my appointment. Nothing has ever been closer to your stomach than my ear. You were either starving, holding back a fart, or two whales were mating inside of you. Whichever one it was, I no longer feel comfortable making eye contact with you.

5. Please use discretion when asking an open-ended question. When I have a mouth wedge, two impression trays, and four utensils crammed into my mouth, it’s probably not the best time to ask me the details of my upcoming career change.

6. Please use some of the money I pay you on modern toothbrushes. Anything but the flat, solid-color, 90° bristled, piece of garbage that you might find at a Chuck-e-Cheese ticket redemption counter. I need lots of aerodynamics and bristles going in at least 8 different directions. Oh, and I won’t use it if it’s not two-toned.

7. Please tell me if I need to clean my face off. I love getting back in the car after a long conversation with the receptionist, only to look in the rear-view mirror and see plaque nuggets all over my cheeks. And all this time I thought she was laughing at my clever one-liners.

8. Please forgive me in advance for failing to change. Every time it’s the same old song and dance. I’m going to leave you with an incredibly strong resolve to change. I’ll floss holes in my gums for the next three days, but I promise you, it won’t last. If you can’t handle this, we might need to start seeing other people.

If you could just go ahead and get those 8 things worked out, I (and the rest of the world) would really appreciate it. Thanks!

Sincerely,
Tyler Stanton

Anything else that needs to be added to the list?
___

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/evdaddy evdaddy

    That's funny. Your dental hygienist called me and asked if I could remind you to brush your teeth before your next appointment.

    She also said your teeth are a little yellow, and that if you are going to make a career change, you might want to get them whitened. (inside joke everyone. i'm not really that mean.)

  • http://www.adaupdates.blogspot.com Scott

    Please stop calling that gunk you put in my mouth "bubblegum" or "citrus mist" flavored. It all tastes like silly putty rolled in Comet and sprayed with Lysol. You know it, I know it. If we’re going to continue this relationship, let's skip the song and dance and just be honest with each other.

  • http://shootfromthehipmarketing.com Chuck

    Why can’t the dentist do something about the smell coming from the office. You can smell it outside before you get there. That makes my stomach turn. Where do they find hygenists anyway? They all seem to be sadists! Does the dentist pay them by the amount of blood they draw? I lose less blood when I go to the Red Cross donation center!

  • Rebecca

    No, your entire fist will not fit inside my mouth no matter how hard you try. Isn't that what your long skinny tools are for? No problem though, I'll just pop my jaw back in place as I walk out bloody, sore, and ashamed.

  • nate

    haha…two whales mating. good one.

    and listen, when you find a cavity, just tell me you've found a cavity. you do not have to confirm your discovery by plunging your dental scythe into the cavity itself until i yelp like a small child to prove your point.

  • http://bryanallain.com/ bryan a

    brilliant post Tyler.

    my one gripe is this: if the dentist and hygienist are going to pick up on the personal conversation where they left off with the last patient, could they at least give me a recap before they dive in?

    "Bryan, just to give you some context here, we're talking about my father-in-law's propensity to pee himself whenever he hears a car horn. We'll be picking up the conversation right after Julia suggested I remove the battery from his hearing aid."

  • Jenni

    I went to the dentist yesterday and thought about your "Cramming" blog as I flossed, gargled with mouthwash and brushed twice before my appointment….

    My request would be for the hygienist to be aware of what her sleeves are doing. Every time she reached over me to grab another tool, she would smother me with her tooth-printed scrub top.

  • amy

    whales mating. i laughed at loud at a very inappropriate time and place. loved it.

    i think they jot down notes from the previous visit b/c inevitably we talk about something that happened 6 months ago…right around the time of my last cleaning. i am on to you.

  • Mom

    Just to let you know- Vickie did read this blog (I hope she still has a good sense of humor!)

  • Pingback: tylerstanton.com » Waiting Room Commandments

  • http://mleetaft.tumblr.com M. Lee Taft

    Just re-read this. I forgot how awesome a term "plaque nuggets" is. Kudos for new terminology.

  • http://davepettengill.blogspot.com DavePettengill

    It would also be great if I didn't have to go see a loan shark in a dark alley to get the money to pay for my fillings….let alone if you have to have something more major like a crown put on or a root canal you may as well go get a second mortgage right now.