45. “I’m Just Sayin”
This is a distant cousin of “bless her heart”. I believe the thought process is this: As long as I slap this phrase on at the end, I can say whatever brutally honest and cutting statement I want without any repercussions. Well let me set the record straight. You just said it, and yet I’m still really bothered by what you said about the “enormity” of my Adam’s Apple. I’m just sayin.

46. Sticky Menu
I always thought the stickiness was from the last person’s food. But 96% of the restaurants I’ve ever been to have the same policy – waiters (almost forcefully) collect the menus as soon as you’re done ordering. So…why is this menu sticky? Is something– Wait. Never mind. I’d rather not know.

47. “TMI”
No commentary needed. Let’s all vow to never say this again.

48. Really Hidden Keys
If you think you’ve found the perfect hiding spot when hiding a key, you have. Not even you will be able to find it. Doesn’t matter if it’s raining really hard or if there’s something really important inside that you need to get. You won’t be able to. The hiding spot was too perfect.

49. Reply All
Hmmm. All I want to do is congratulate Derek for keeping his mass email update under 1000 words (and for breaking it up into paragraphs). Should I just reply, or reply all? I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. I mean, if I reply to him only, he might not comprehend how proud I really am. And doesn’t Susan also want to know (and Kevin and Rick and Jason and 91 others)? Of course! It would be a crime to keep this between me and Derek. Reply All it is!!

Your turn. I haven’t provided the Pet Peeves platform in awhile, so I know that you’ve got some building up.

For my comprehensive list of peeves, click here, or on the A Million Peeves link above.
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I have so many things to be thankful for. I’m married to an incredible woman. I have two healthy, wonderful boys. I couldn’t dream up a better extended family. I get to do what I love for a living (or so I hope).  Life is great.

In addition to all of the things that really matter, there’s a whole list of trivial things that I’m thankful for:

1. DVR – Quite possibly the greatest invention of the decade.

2. iPhone – I will never own a different phone. I know, I know – Verizon’s service is better. Doesn’t matter.

3. Free Internet at Starbucks – Here’s how. This has enabled Starbucks to become my second office.

4. David Sedaris, AJ Jacobs, and Simon Rich – My three favorite comedy writers at the moment. They have made reading as exciting as TV for me, which is saying a lot.

5. Twitter – I can’t believe I was once in limbo as to whether or not I should do it.

6. Hulu.com -

7. Online Bill Pay – Why would anyone still write checks?

8. My White MacBook

9. Reduced Fat Cheez-Its – The single greatest salty snack in America.

10. Google Reader – Thanks Josh. This has revolutionized my time on the internet. What is it, you ask?

11. Movie Theater Popcorn – Worth every penny (all 700 of them).

12. Craigslist – The Stantons have turned selling stuff on Craigslist into a part-time job, and it’s paying off.

13. Home Haircuts – Saves us from having to spend the kind of money Tripp spends on haircuts.

14. Advil – This might be the sole reason I’ve made it through a month of running.

15. Public Library – Did you know they have free books there?

16. Fat Tire

17. Gmaps Pedometer – This site tracks mileage for us runners (I’ve been waiting to publicly call myself that).

18. Pandora and Last.fm

19. Starbucks Red Cups – These have a tremendous impact on my psyche during the winter months.

20. Texting – My personal favorite way to communicate.

21. Christmas Music

22. Barnes & Noble – The one store I could browse around for an entire day.

23. Blogging Friends – Specifically, Bryan Allain, Tripp Crosby, Jon Acuff, Kevin Keigley, Lacey Keigley, Everett Bracken, David Robertson, and Philly Osborn.

24. Loofas

What trivial things are you thankful for? Do tell.
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1. Favorite Video – Brad Wiggins (with The Twoctor)

2. Favorite Book – The Guinea Pig Diaries by A.J. Jacobs

3. Favorite Upcoming Movie – Invictus

4. Favorite Christmas Album – Merry Christmas by Mariah Carey

5. Favorite Website – autocompleteme.com (also this)

6. Favorite Prank – Streeter and Amir

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I’ve been pulled over an absurd amount of times in my thirteen years of driving. Through these unfortunate experiences I have learned many valuable lessons (none of which, apparently, were “slow down”). I’ve learned how/how not to speak to an officer (“Dude” is frowned upon), the importance of body language (lip-quivers rarely get you the traction you desired), what excuses work, and what approaches never stand a chance. Allow me to share a few of my experiences…

Sympathetic Approach
Situation: Speeding home from college during my Freshman year on I-20
My Actual Quote: “Today is my little brother’s last baseball game…and I’m running late. I’ll never forgive myself if I miss it.”
Body Language: Lip-quiver, exaggerated “this isn’t happening” head-shake
Result: $125 ticket and a “too bad” from the officer about missing the game

Illogical Approach
Situation: Driving through a blizzard in Colorado in a friend’s truck with one friend in the passenger seat, one hiding behind my seat, and two laying down in the covered bed hugging snow skis
My Actual Quote: “I was, um, just speeding up…um, to try to find the speed limit sign…faster.”
Body Language: Excessive squinting, looking off into the distance, mild shivering, discrete shushing of dude behind me
Result: Warning (Officer’s wife was from Georgia, which, he reminded me, was the only reason I was let off the hook)

Biological Approach
Situation: Driving down State Bridge Rd., the speed-trap capital of Metro Atlanta
My Actual Quote: “Sir, my stomach is killing me. You know…that kind of killing me. I’m just trying to get to a bathroom before I ruin my car’s upholstery.”
Body Language: Stomach clutching, shifting around in seat, high eyebrow raises every few seconds
Result: $75 ticket (apparently that excuse was “tremendously unoriginal”)

Desperate Approach
Situation: Driving to Waffle House in South Carolina at 11pm
My Actual Quote: “Please, PLEASE, just give me a warning. My dad is going to kill me. No? I’m serious. It has something to do with insurance premiums, but I’m not entirely sure. I’ll do anything. Please?
Body Language: Temporarily resting head on steering wheel, lots of prayer hands, excessive use of “Sir”
Result: $50 ticket

Blatantly Honest Approach
Situation: Driving home on Dogwood Rd. around midnight
My Actual Quote: “Why was I speeding? Honestly, I’m really tired. It’s been a long day. The guy who’s basement I live in just got a new hot tub and I’m really excited about going to get in it.”
Body Language: None
Result: Warning (He said he was taken aback by my honesty)

Any other excuses we need to know about? Any of you tried one of these with a different result? Any cops that read this who could give us the secret code word to get out of all future traffic violations?
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I’m currently working on a project with a few other really talented, really funny blokes. We’re going to be putting something together that will hopefully make you laugh until you cry, vomit, come within inches of losing your life, and then return to 100% health, only stronger and more resistant to nomadic strains of H1N1.

It will have lots of original content, will redefine the terms “silly” and “trivial humor”, and will be published a few times a year. We also hope it will raise awareness and a few bucks for important causes. We’d tell you more, but if we did we would have to kill you and make it look like a hunting accident. And then we’d run the risk of leaving behind evidence that would find us being fingered as the prime suspect on an episode of Dateline 5 years from now, and we don’t want that.

Everything is falling into place with this beast except for one thing: the name. We’ve got a couple decent ideas that we’re okay going with if we have to, but we feel like there’s gotta be something better out there.

That’s where you come in. Leave us a name idea (or a couple name ideas) and if we choose yours, you will be given celebrity, short-term superpowers, and the ability to read palms. You will also receive some space in the initial edition of the beast to share whatever it is you want to share with the rest of humanity.

We realize you don’t have a lot of information to go on in offering name suggestions, but you’ve got enough. It will probably be funny, it will probably be quarterly, it will probably support various charities, and it will probably be the wind beneath your wings. Or not.

Either way, the suggestion box is open.

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Back in April, I wrote about three original games that you need to incorporate into your life. Well, it’s been a few months now, and three more have come to mind.

Grocery Carting
Grocery shoppers are notorious for walking away from their (unguarded) cart to grab a few items throughout their shopping stint. The goal here is to place an item in the unguarded cart without them knowing and see if they check out with it. Obviously, the more absurd the item, the more points you get. Getting them to check out with an extra jar of pickles is one thing, but watching them pay for an 18-pack of Natty Light they didn’t want is a thrill unlike any other.

Reunion
If you’re hanging out with Neil, and Neil sees someone he went to school with (say, Samantha), get Neil to tell you as many details as possible about her (teachers she had, neighborhood she grew up in, etc). Then, you excitedly approach Samantha as though you haven’t seen her in years, reminiscing about those classes you had together, the neighborhood memories, the one slow dance you shared Sophomore year (your favorite dance ever!), followed by an apology for “that mean thing” you said about that haircut she had in middle school. If you get her to say that she remembers you, you win.

Fourth Meal Call*
Make a pact with three or four of your friends that each of you get one Fourth Meal Call a year. What this means is that at any time, you can call one of the other members of the pact, say “fourth meal”, and they have to meet you at Taco Bell in 15 minutes. It doesn’t matter if they were sleeping, in the middle of a talkument with their spouse, at a concert, or even getting married. They have to stop what they are doing and meet you at the Bell for a gordita and some cinnamon twists. Oh, and try to convince them that them paying was part of the pact too.

In the comments section, either let us know of another original game, or go play one of these and tell us about your experience.

*It is helpful to have a good punishment in place for those who refuse to follow through on the pact. I got the call around 2am one morning and just pretended I didn’t have good enough service to understand what they were saying. North meal? I’m sorry, I don’t know what that means. Goodbye.
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