Waiting Room Commandments
December 16th, 2009 - Uncategorized - 14 Comments »The doctor’s office waiting room is arguably the most miserable room on the face of the planet. More miserable than a room that loops Nickelback’s Photograph indefinitely. More miserable than a room where you have to listen to two people argue theology. Even more miserable than a room where you are forced to converse with Bill Belichick for fifteen minutes.
I think the experience could be enhanced, though, if we were all on the same page. That is why I’m proposing this list of 7 Waiting Room Commandments be posted on the front door of every doctor’s office in America:
1. Thou shalt round down when recording what time you got there, in order to get a leg up on your “competition”.
2. Thou shalt not offend the receptionist by actually speaking to her. She has way more important things to do…like avoid talking to you.
3. Thou shalt not make eye contact with others, especially if you’re at the OBGYN with you’re wife and you see a high school girl that babysits your kids.
4. Thou shalt choose your chair wisely. Arbitrarily switching seats mid-stay is more awkward than that guy sitting across from you with the face nipple.
5. Thou shalt suck it up and read WebMD and Type II Diabetes pamphlets until that jerk surrenders the room’s only Us Weekly. Oh, and if he tries to take it back into the room, thou shalt take any measure to prevent that from happening.
6. Thou shalt not talk to anyone. Tis better to appear rude than get in a discussion about the reason you’re there (Note: If the silent treatment fails, detailing your bowel problems is the quickest way to terminate any conversation).
7. Thou shalt pay your co-pay with confidence, even though you’re not entirely sure what a co-pay is.
8. Thou shalt not laugh at the suckers who are still in the waiting room as you’re leaving. Sure, you outsmarted them by rounding down the time you got there, but you will eventually be found out. Believe me.
Any commandments I missed? Let me know in the comments.
I’ve also taken a similar approach to enhance our experiences at the dentist, at public pools, on the phone, and at the beach.
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Thou shalt fill out that form…again. Sure you've been seeing the same doctor since you were 8, but just in case anything continually changes in your life, take a couple of hours to check off that you still haven't had Hepatitis C, Bone Disease, Malaria, Allergies to Medicine, or Iron deficiencies.
By the way, more painful than repeating Nickelback's Photograph?? Not possible.
Thou shalt not complain about your illness or get into a coughing competition. We get it…you're sick…i'm sick…we're all sick. Just be glad you're not in the ER with Dr. Doug Ross. Wait your turn, and quit exaggerating your cough until you give yourself an actual, real hernia*.
*going to the doctor just to receive a hernia check is not cool.
Thou shalt cough into a sleeve and not into a magazine that will be passed from patient to patient.
Thou shalt be amused at the Sporting News MLB Preview edition you're reading because it's 4 months old and you're reminded that the "experts" have no idea what they're talking about.
thou shalt respect the every-other-seat-rule. under no circumstances do i want to smell you, touch you, or listen to you breathe while you thumb through Good Housekeeping. i'm really not a mean guy, i just don't want to interacted with you in any way. is that bad?
Thou shalt not rip out pages, coupons, recipes from the limited selection of magazines . . I really wanted to finish the "Where are They Now" article featuring Freddy Prince, Jr. And while thou is at it, don't do the crossword puzzle either. Rude.
ps Tyler, are you and Amy watching The Sing Off? If so, please comment on the awesomeness of the singers and the unawesomeness of the judges and the host . . .
Thou shalt not talk loudly on the cell phone, nor play loud electronic games, nor shall ye allow thine children to run rampant through the room.
And thou shalt never assume that the waiting room is the last time ye shall wait. There is a reason each room has a magazine rack.
Here's an idea for you – grocery store rules. Especially for driving the carts. I completely think that road rules should apply in the store, but sadly, they never do.
Genius idea. I'm on it.
Thou shalt not use pen when solving the HIGHLIGHTS 'What doesn't fit?' puzzle. Don't ruin it for the rest of us jerk…
I too hate it when the HIDDEN PICTURES of Highlights has been circled! It totally ruins it for everyone. just mentally remember that you found the pick axe :-)
Under any circumstances DO NOT change the channel on the TV. This is how the office staff keeps up on their General Hospital. Did you not see the note taped to the TV in Sharpie with exclamation marks. “NOT” was even underlined… twice. We are serious.
Thou shall talk on your cell phone as loud as possible until you are called in by the doctors.
Thou shalt not complain to the nurse about your wait time. She has zero control over the doctor. Doing so will only make your procedures (shots, BP check, strep test, EKG, etc….I am so sorry, we couldnt get a good reading on your temperature we HAVE to get a rectal reading!) MUCH MUCH Worse!