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An Open Letter to Hotels

January 20th, 2010 - Uncategorized - 12 Comments »

[NOTE: If you haven't yet submitted an entry for my book's subtitle, click here]

Dear Hotels,

Thank you for housing me every now and then. I enjoy your HBO and free newspapers. Oh, and your free breakfast. There are, however, a few things that you could do to enhance the experience for all of us who reluctantly pay for your overpriced lodging.

1. Please don’t act mad at me when I’m checking in.
Are you actually mad that I’m giving you business? In this economy? And, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t roll your eyes at me when I ask you for the location of the hot tub…even if I am wearing a speedo. It’s just rude.

2. Please start washing the comforters.
We all know that earlier in the day, a naked, sweaty, fat man sat on the comforter while he blow-dried his hair. I know you can neither confirm nor deny this, but the least you could do is have the housekeeper bring a new comforter to my door, shrink-wrapped like an airline blanket (the cleanest object on planet Earth).

3. Please choose a shampoo that doesn’t smell like a condiment.
I have a feeling that the selection of the shampoo/conditioner/body wash combo is a pretty big decision. Just make sure the person with the final say isn’t suffering from a cold or a recurring olfactory injury. I can’t afford to go to that meeting with my skin smelling like I just bathed in tartar sauce.

4. Please have a variety of pillows.
If you’re going to spend the money to have 12 pillows on my bed, at least throw a little variety in there. For those of us who like our pillows to feel like two pieces of cardboard stacked atop one another, sleeping on a pillow that resembles a rolled-up sleeping bag is an impossible task.

5. Please be reasonable with the price of mini fridge items.
Your $7 bottled water and $4 Snickers Bar makes the movie theater feel like a thrift store.

6. Please destroy all mini coffee makers.
Chances are, the only people who are desperate enough to get up and make coffee in their hotel room are also raging (and sometimes belligerent) caffeine addicts. Speaking on behalf of those addicts, a pot the size of a shot glass isn’t going to cut it.

7. Please get rid of the pamphlet tower.
No, it’s not bothering me. I just feel sorry for it. It just sits there alone, underneath the pay phones, waiting for someone to come make a collect call. Is it just me, or do you require all pamphlets to fit into one of three categories: gemstone quarries, local waterfalls, or tubing?

If you could go ahead and take care of those things before my next stay, I’d appreciate it.

Sincerely,
Tyler Stanton

Anything else that should be included in the letter before I send it off?

To read my Open Letter to Dental Hygienists, click here.
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  • http://intensedebate.com/people/joannamuses joanna

    - Wireless internet is important for many guests and probably should be complimentary. If you must charge for it make the charges reasonable and make sure it works at a usable speed so your guests don't go insane just from trying to read their email. If wireless is too much effort and you are providing cabled internet access only, make sure the cables are long enough and not broken.

    -

  • nate

    I, like most Americans, have a singular standard when choosing a hotel: the door to my room must, under all conditions, open to a hallway, something indoors, with carpet. That being said, is it too much to ask classy joints like this who have forked over the cash for enclosed hallways to also get rid of the tube tv's that still litter the rooms. How can I be expected to watch sportscenter on a friggin tube tv?! honestly.

  • John

    I just love how the description for hotel rooms boast about the 25 or 27" COLOR Television.

    People travelling these days need outlets for plugging in their stuff. I do not enjoy pulling out the couch or bed side table to venture into areas that haven't seen the light of day for years just to find an outlet (wich requires me unplugging something) to plug in my phone or computer, etc.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/joannamuses joanna

      I agree about the power plugs one! One accessible plug is not enough per room

  • amy

    hotel towels can be tricky….they are either so stiff and scratchy that they leave marks on my back. or they are so soft they don't absorb one drop, instead they just move the droplets all around, not to mention leave a fluff residue. hotels, please make wise towel decisions and don't hesitate to use downy.

  • http://shawnsmucker.blogspot.com shawn smucker

    I would prefer that the default attitude of staff be do-not-disturb. I often forget to hang the laminated doorknob hanger. I also have four children, so a stay in a hotel could represent the one out of 365 mornings in a year I actually get to sleep in. This should motivate me to remember to hang the laminated door thingy, but I still forget. Please, do not disturb.

  • http://blog.breakthroughalaska.com jasonS

    You forgot another reason to use the coffee mini-pots: hopelessly cheap. I have tried many times to use these confounded machines to save a few bucks, but it always comes out tasting like dirty dress socks. Then I end up buying coffee somewhere else and have wasted my time. Thanks, hotels…

    I should probably take some personal responsibility and learn my lesson to not even bother with it, but hey, there’s always tomorrow.

  • http://kevinkeigley.wordpress.com/ Kevin

    I agree with Bryan here. I also do not care for prison grade sausage.

  • Bryan

    Well done, T. One of your best posts. While we're at it, can we broaden the selection of the continental breakfast. I actually do eat more than Raisin Bran and a Green Banana for breakfast

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/Matt_TCoNP Matt_TCoNP

    Dear hotels: I am not going to steal your hangers. I am prosperous enough to buy my own hangers from WalMart. Please allow us to remove the hangers from the closet in one piece rather than putting them together like two puzzle pieces.

  • Pingback: A Second Open Letter to Hotels « tylerstanton.com

  • http://www.twitter.com/aburtch aburtch

    Wireless internet is the most important aspect of any hotel for the business traveler. Please have wireless that works flawlessly at all hours of the day and night. And on that note…why is it that the expensive boutique hotels charge $10 a day for internet while the $99 Holiday Inn Express down the street offers the same service for free?

    I must note that I disagree with #7. When I'm on vacation the pamphlet tower is actually quite helpful. Especially now that I have a child and need to find activities more suitable than the local dive bar or nightclub.