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8 Ratings We Pretend to Understand

January 27th, 2010 - Uncategorized - 26 Comments »

[NOTE: If you haven't voted on the subtitle of my upcoming book, click here]

The other day I was thinking about all the numbers and ratings that I blindly accept, even though I have no idea what they mean. The more I thought about it, the more I became convinced that I’m not alone in this. Here are a few examples:

Dow Jones Industrial Average
Telling me the Dow just dropped another 100 points has the same affect on me as telling me my winter coat just improved by fifteen muggle-duggs. I’m not even close to understanding you, but I’ll still manage to muster up some level of concern.

Karats
If you’re a person that A) understands the gold/diamond karat rating system, and B) cares a lot about that rating system, it’s probably not going to work out for us to be friends.

Airport Security Level
Has anyone besides a CNN news anchor ever thought about this rating system? Has it changed a single travel plan?

Gary: Sorry boss. I know there’s that big meeting in Detroit on Thursday that you want me to go to, but I don’t know if you’ve heard – (whispers) – the threat level is magenta. I just don’t feel comfortable fl–
Boss: You’re fired.

PG-13
I vote we eliminate the current movie rating system and replace it with the answer to this simple question: Will watching this movie with your in-laws cause you to break into an awkwardness-induced full-body sweat? What is the distinguishing factor between PG-13 and R right now?

Sea Level
I think geographers are just screwing with us on this. No one is ever going to question them. Wait a minute. This brochure says we’re at 3000 feet above sea level, but my nose usually starts bleeding around the 2800 mark. If I can’t trust sea level numbers, what can I trust?

Nielsen Ratings
In doing some Wikipedia research to make a good joke here, I learned that the CNBC show McEnroe received a 0.0 rating…twice. I still don’t understand what that means, but I’m certain it’s laughable.

IQ
This one always trips me up a bit.

Neil: See that guy over there? Guess what his IQ is?
Me: 760?
Neil: No. 150.
Me: Pssh. Idiot!
Neil: Actually, that makes him a certified genius.
Me: Oh…yeah. I knew– He must have nailed the Language Arts section.

QB Passer Rating
Any rating system that has a perfect score of 158.3 (seriously) leaves me really confused. When you’re coming up with this and you get to the end and you’ve defined perfection as 158.3, it’s time to go back and rework the equation. Try getting it to, I don’t know, 100 percent.

Any other ratings you only pretend to understand? Or, any insight you can give us on the ones mentioned above?
___

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/joshlafayette Josh LaFayette

    I love the part in the Parable of the Airport Security Level when Gary gets fired.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/tylerstanton Tyler Stanton

      Me too. I can't stand Gary.

  • http://830eyes.wordpress.com Katie

    I deal with Nielsen ratings all day every day so I can tell you this – 0.0 means no one watched it, or at least no one cool enough to get paid $1-$10 to be part of the sample.

    • Zach

      How exactly does one become a part of the sample…

  • Jonathan Drescher

    Just to add to the absurdity of QB passer ratings, that 158.3 is only perfection in the NFL. College passer ratings are computed differently and can climb much higher than that. At least come up with an across the board rating that doesn’t make sense.

  • Bryan

    This isn't a rating, but I have no idea how to interpret square footage of a house. Maybe its because I'm not a homeowner, but this is my reaction to square footage conversations

    Homeowner: This place had 2500 square feet.
    Me: Wha..? (Same expression can mean, "That's a TON" or "That's TINY")
    Homeowner: Can you believe it?
    Me: That's freakin' crazy

    • Mom

      I agree – I'm 54 years old and still have a hard time with that!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/tylerstanton Tyler Stanton

      As a homeowner, it's simple. Ask them what theirs is and do a quick mental house comparison, then rattle off a RANGE (saying that you don't know about the garage). Works every time.

  • nate

    Karat explanation = hilarious

    I've been rafting a few times down rivers in the southeast with groups of teenagers and the whatnot. i always laugh on the inside when the guide tells me about what class rapid i am about to encounter. what does that mean to me? is it a higher class than the last one? is it like golf? are numbers inverted? does class 5 mean we're all sissies or that i'm about to die? by the time i think i've got it, i've fallen out and i don't care any more about your stupid classes. (but i will take this chance to let out some nervous pee…it feels warm)

  • Jenni

    Absolutely hilarious. I've never understood the Muggle-duggs rating system either.

  • Kyle

    I'll tell you the difference in PG-13 and R nowadays. It's the level of pornography and the amount of F bombs in the movie. Everything else goes.

    Im not good with stocks either. I have them but there is no telling why. A year ago I was up 2000 dollars. Now, down. What the H?! I never want to understand the economy. I feel then I would know too much.

  • adamkeyes

    The weather guy told me this morning that the Barometric Pressure is around 30.24, so, that's good to know. Can't wait to tell all my friends…

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/tylerstanton Tyler Stanton

      Better wear a jacket. Or a mask.

  • http://machelps.wordpress.com Kunte Kente

    I'm clueless on just about anything dealing with blood measurement (blood alcohol level, white blood count). Also, people pay for varying levels of download speeds but don't have a clue what 1.5 Mb/sec means. Finally, the whole progressive/interlaced formats thing, such as 1080p…my uncle tried to tell me a few months ago about him getting a 10-p tv…I could've told him I had a 40,000p television and he would've believed me.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/tylerstanton Tyler Stanton

      Man, I meant to put something about 1080p. Even the best buy people don't know. It's like someone trying to explain cell phone frequencies or radio. the only person who will ever understand is that gangly kid from your physics class.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/Matt_TCoNP Matt_TCoNP

    Of all of those, Nielson ratings frustrate me the most because they are such a complete mystery to me. How do they know what I'm watchiing?! Agh! Also, I don't understand my credit rating or insurance rates, but I think if I did, it would only make me more irritated at them.

  • Sarah Nash

    This might be my favorite post you've ever done. Love it! (Also, I vote you make the subtitle of your book whatever you want. You did the hard work and wrote it, you should get to do the fun part and name it. It's like the Little Red Hen)

    I understand none of the above. Or anything that has to do with cars. My car is a V8? Does that mean it runs on vegetable juice? I get 15mpg? Is that good? 10W30? Um, I call it "oil". And those are the easy ones. I guess it's not technically a rating system, but one time the guy at the car place told me that my tire was so worn he could see the metal poking through and I replied, "Is that bad? Can I still drive it?" He gave me a look like, "This girl is an idiot. I'm going to tell her this repair costs $5,682 and she will totally believe me." He was right.

  • Nolan

    How about Eibert's movie critiques…is there not a more precise value to assign than a thumb? Is there a rating between 1 thumb up and 2 thumbs up? Would he use the old take the thumb off one of your hands trick that you do for 3 year olds to represent a movie that was kinda good, but not excellent? Does Eibert have someone sitting next to him that he actually gives the hand gestures to…so that that man can then go tell the guy who is making previews?

    What's the deal???

  • Amber

    i have to admit that when the earthquake hit Haiti i played it off like i knew what a 7 on the richter scale was. i mean, i think thats pretty bad, but…

  • http://twitter.com/RotaryKat Kathie

    I HATE buying hairspray! How am I supposed to know which is hairspray-ier? Extra Strength? Super-Hold? Extreme? Shellac?

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  • http://www.twitter.com/jasonbarthelemy Jason B

    Great post. I'm going to have to say that like the QB rating, I'm in the dark when it comes to Baseball stats like ERA or OBP .

  • http://seekingpastor.wordpress.com seekingpastor

    The DEW POINT! I must know the DEW POINT! What does it mean? No clue. But I must know it every day!

  • Dan

    My big complaint is that the movie, TV, and game ratings are not the same. How about some consistency to make it easier on the parents and the kids to know how appropriate something is. As it as now, there's some kind of alphanumeric translation table that has to be traversed in my head.

  • David Robertson

    Baseball's "slugging percentage". I finally looked up how it's calculated, and was disappointed in how perverted it is.

  • http://twitter.com/keithnotkieth @keithnotkieth

    I can remember being a kid and begging my mom to let me stop by the drug store and buy up some bubble tape like we were in the midst of an imminent sap depression. The deal was that I had to pick up a pair of pantyhose while I was in there… I hope you've never had to do that