Today we have the privilege of hearing from my former cyber-friend and current real friend, Bryan Allain. It’s bittersweet for me, really. I love having his content on my site, but I hate having my readers like his posts better than mine. I guess we can just chalk today up to an exercise in humility for me. Here’s yet another gem from Bryan…
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Saturday was my son Parker’s Opening Day for Little League, and if you’ve been to one opening day, you’ve been to them all. There’s team pictures, ceremonial first pitches, parading the kids around like prized cattle, the handing out of individualized tobacco pouches, and eventually they even play a baseball game.

We’re really looking forward to this season because we have a great coach this year, something that hasn’t always been the case. If you’ve been through a bad sports coach before, you know just how annoying it can be. And if you WERE that bad coach for someone, well, you probably had no idea.

But hey, that’s what I’m here for. I don’t want you to be that coach that everyone is rolling their eyes at from the first base bleachers. So here’s a quick list of things to avoid that make sure you don’t turn into the Awful Little League Coach.

1. Do Not Show Up 15 Minutes Late for Most Practices – Listen buddy, I have a job too. We all do. And yet for the 3rd time this month, you’re the only one who’s a half hour late. Or more importantly, the bats, helmets, and bucket of balls are a half hour late. I guess the kids can stop running laps and vomiting now.

2. Make Sure you know the Lingo – This isn’t a quiz, I promise. I’m not looking for 3 different nicknames for a left-handed pitcher . But I have to draw the line somewhere, and the fact that you just said, “C’mon guys, we need to score 2 more points this period!” has me a little worried.

3. Know Your Limitations – Considering you haven’t broken into a jog since the mid-90s, it was probably a bad idea to show the kids how to round third base at full speed. On the bright side, it’s not every day you see a grown man run into a fence.

4. Do Not Give Talks that last for more than 5 Minutes – I’ll admit, I’m impressed that you understand the physics of the curve ball. But you lost the kids 10 minutes ago when you started throwing out the principles of the Magnus Effect. How about we put the periodic table away and just play catch?

5. Speak Nicely – I don’t care how you talk to your kids, but I do care how you talk to mine. Raise your voice like that one more time and this situation is gonna get as ugly as your throwing motion. (Speaking of which, congratulations on throwing a ball for the first time in your life tonight.)

So there’s 5 tips to get you started on the road to not being an awful little league coach. I’m sure the fine patrons of this blog can fill in the blanks and give you some additional pointers in the comments.

Now get out there, throw some batting practice, and please Don’t Be That Guy.

(When Bryan’s not at the ball field you can find him writing about the humorous side of life, faith, pop culture, and living among the Amish at his blog, BryanAllain.com. You can also find him wasting time at twitter.com/bryanallain.)
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Post sponsored by Atlanta Personal Injury Attorney, Robert N. Susko