I’m out of town today, so I asked Bryan Allain if he would guest post for me. He declined. Then I asked him how he’d feel about a knuckle sandwich to the Adam’s Apple. Long story short, guess who ended up writing a guest post today?
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7 Signs I’m Having House Guests

My wife Erica and I have guests coming in from out of town this week. Whenever this happens I do dumb things to try and impress my wife and/or our company. For instance…

1. I Finally get around to those house projects. Erica has asked me to hang pictures roughly 416 times over the past 10 years. I’ve always claimed I was incapable, but with our new kitchen in place I’m trying to be a handyman. Last weekend I hung a couple pictures but my Man Card application STILL got denied. Apparently putting a nail in the wall does not constitute a ‘house project’.

2. I Clean My Car. I’ve been staring at that tropical Mike and Ike on the passenger side floor for 10 days now, and Lord knows if I could have reached it without careening off the road I would have savored every bite of that over-sized sugar pill. But hey, I’ll be shuttling friends around in this thing, so I should probably clean it. And by “I should probably clean it”, I mean, “Erica will clean it because I am too lazy”.

3. I Keep My Weird Friends Away. And if any of my friends are reading, specifically those of you who I told I’d be in Trinidad and Tobago this weekend doing missionary work, I’m sorry you had to find out like this.

4. I Give the House Tour. I guess the only way this would be acceptable was if my name was Barry Obama. Do I really think people care about where my laundry room is and what my master bathroom looks like? Yes. Yes I do. My house is TOTALLY different from the other 500 houses you’ve been in before in your life. Come, let me show you the unique angles in our hot water closet.

5. I Like to Stock the Cabinets. Can’t have you thinking we never have an ample offering of food here. And I wasn’t sure what type of Corn Nuts you like so I got Original, Ranch, AND Chili Picante, because that’s how I roll. Speaking of choices, I ALWAYS keep a wide selection of imported beers in the fridge. That’s also how I roll.

6. I Schedule Something Every Hour. Things are exciting here at our house, and to prove it to you, I’ve booked 12 different activities for us to do tomorrow! As long as the Amish Buggy ride doesn’t go long and we can scarf down lunch in 10 minutes, we should be able to fit the “How to Make Jam” presentation AND the extended family sack race in before the neighborhood potluck supper.

7. I Try to Look Like the Cool Parent. Sure, you kids can have gum for breakfast in front of our company…as long as it’s Hubba Bubba and you get the bubbles stuck all over your face! Now come over here and give dad a high-five for no reason, because we always give life-affirming high fives in this house!

So, am I alone here or do you all act up a bit when you have company too?

Oh, and I guess I should state for the record that my house guests this week will be none other than Tyler and Amy Stanton. If there’s anything you ever wanted to see happen that required Tyler and I being in the same room, this might be the time to ask.

Gotta run…tightening the screws on all the door knobs in the house…

(Bryan Allain writes about the humorous side of life, faith, pop culture, and living among the Amish every day at his blog, BryanAllain.com. You can also find him on The Twitter at twitter.com/bryanallain.)
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Post sponsored by Atlanta Personal Injury Attorney, Robert N. Susko