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I Hate to Admit It, But…

May 26th, 2010 - Uncategorized - 20 Comments »

+ I try my best to “look candid” when I notice someone taking a picture from across the room. Only problem is that my candid look is less informal than an hour-long Olan Mills session. I make sure my favorable side (left) is facing the camera and that my head is tilted slightly upward, as to minimize my neck fat. I also pretend I’m winding down from a laugh.

+ I fold my cash twice before I tip someone so that it will feel like more money than it is. I never know how much to tip, which always results in me rounding down.

+ I am incredible at faking initiative. When I’m in a group of people and someone asks for help, I usually make a really slow move. In my mind, this communicates to the help-asker that I would have lent a hand had the truly selfless person not “beat me to it”.

+ I cried during two consecutive shows last night – Biggest Loser and Parenthood.

+ I’ll usually forget a person’s name four seconds after we’ve been introduced. It’s nothing against that person. It’s just that, for some reason, I’ve chosen to use that time to think about how we need to get our carpet steam-cleaned or that I haven’t had a Fruit by the Foot in a while.

+ There was a good two-year stint where Mariah Carey’s Always Be My Baby was my favorite song. I won’t tell you which two years it was because you’ll unanimously agree it was too late in life.

+ I fully plan on executing my first Upper Decker when Amy and I visit the Allains this weekend.

What about you? Anything you want to come clean about?

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/chadgibbs Chad Gibbs

    Yeah, I had to look up upper deck on Urban Dictionary. LOL & Gross!

  • http://www.jimmycalhoun.com Jimmy

    I sometimes DVR Tori and Dean.. and I love to watch MTV's Doc Fat Camp and the ever popular return to Fat Camp.. there is said it

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/shawnsmucker shawnsmucker

    i love confession time with bishop stanton…

    - if i detect a #2 diaper i will often pretend not to notice – my tolerance for this smell is much higher than it should be, and if i wait long enough generally my mother, my wife, or my mother-in-law will change the diaper
    - sometimes i'll go to work at Panera and sit down at a table someone just left (which still has their tray and dirty dishes) so that i can work there all day and it looks like i bought an entire meal instead of just the $1.19 hot tea (with free refills)
    - i usually listen to a cheesy, easy-listening station on my radio but as soon as i pull into a parking lot, if someone is around, i change it to the grunge rock or rap station and turn up the volume.

    • http://mysunkcosts.blogspot.com erin

      it is hilarious that you'd think of sitting with a stranger's trash

      • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/shawnsmucker shawnsmucker

        hilarious? i think you are being kind. gross and cheapskate were the first words that came to my mind.

  • http://jamiewrightcr.blogspot.com/ VeryWorstMissionary

    + I read this, and I was like, "He's kind of a douchebag."

    + but then I realized that I don't even bother with ~faking~ initiative. When someone asks for help, I respond with "Um. I don't think so."

    + and then I remembered that I CAN'T watch Biggest Loser because it makes me….uncomfortable.

    + plus, I don't remember faces. or names.

    + also? I've never executed an upper decker at a friends house, and I never will, because I've NEVER pooped, not once in my entire life.

    + and then I was all "Oh. I'm kind of a douchebag."

    So, thanks for your confessions, Trystan, or whatever your name is. Now I have something to strive for.

  • http://www.onwardhoe.com Beth

    * I also try to look candid when I notice a camera pointed toward me. For me, this means shoulders relaxed, gut sucked in, chin up (also for the neck fat), looking interested and/or amused at whatever's going on around me.

    * I cry during EVERY episode of Parenthood. What is it about that show? It's like it's their goal. Well done, Parenthood. Well done indeed.

    * Sometimes, when someone is riding with me, I pretend like the stale fart smell in my car is something new and mysterious, and that I have no idea what it is. (And I only used the word "sometimes" because my car doesn't always smell like stale fart. But every time it does, that's what I do.)

  • matt

    + As an adult male who used to play football, this one is hard to say, but here goes. The older I get, the more susceptible I am to tearing up during emotional parts of movies. Not so much the sad ones, but the "wow, what a cool/beautiful moment" ones. I've done this in the movies "Up," "Blindside", "Radio" and others.

    + If I call you "buddy", "sir", "man", "pal", "ma'am" or any other nondescript term, I've forgotten your name. Even if you told me 2 minutes ago.

  • Bryan

    -I really don't think your joke is funny, but I'd rather fake laugh than sit in silence.

    -I'll watch an episode of Gilmore Girls before I watch most sporting events.

    -Every time I fly somewhere, there is a point in the trip when I SWEAR the plane is going down. Then I start regretting not saying goodbye to everyone and secretly hope someone will name a school/monument in my honor once I'm dead.

  • http://bryanallain.com bryan a

    fyi…there will be a 2 bottles of Mango Smirnoff Ice in the upper deck of all our toilets. If you choose to defecate there, you'll have to do it while getting your girly buzz on.

    also, before i forget. our powder room toilet is the weakest flush in the house. never a bad idea to separate the waste from the paper with a courtesy flush. Lord knows I'm not plunging your logs this weekend.

  • Nathan

    I enjoy watching Ellen.
    I enjoy watching Little People Big World.
    I cried watching Air Bud.
    Sometimes I say I don’t enjoy driving a girl car, but truthfully sometimes I put on a wig and drive and it makes me feel great.

  • nate

    having recently taken a job at a church, meeting people is a huge part of my job description right now. i have introduced myself to the same nondescript family 4 times. i think i will probably have a new job description soon.

  • http://thewayiseeit99.blogspot.com Sarah Beth

    I was just talking about the candid photo thing yesterday. I just feel so awkward when I know there is a camera, but I also know I'm supposed to not know! I clearly failed miserably, because those pictures were promptly untagged on facebook.

  • Leigh

    + I've got Bieber fever.

  • Wes_Ballance

    Pretty embarrassing stuff for the most part, particularly that bit about "Always be my Baby" being your favorite song for two years. That is both shameful and ludicrous. And no, you're not off the hook because some dude named Les Pallance used to bring his non-driving amigo by the name of, well, we'll call him Skyler Blanton, to school letting the Alpines blast that very same jam on his stereo, then park in the center of the nearly full parking lot with the windows rolled down until it said song ended. Yeah, that one's all on you buddy.

    Also, I am completely clueless regarding the definition of an "Upper Decker." From the sound of the tidbits that have been bandied about so far, I am content to keep it that way.

  • http://robshep.com Rob

    I have MMMBop on itunes, I'm reading your blog when I should be working, if my belly button ever itches I almost always smell my finger after I scratch…even though I know it's going to not be a pleasant smell, I secretly wish we were friends so you could come over and execute a double decker at my house.

  • rebeccamillwood

    Always be my baby is still one of my favorite songs and possibly yhe ringtone on my phone right now…

  • http://mattmcpheely.com matt

    + when i pass by storefront windows i'm not looking at what's inside, i'm looking at my reflection to see if i look cool while walking.

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  • Kyle

    +Not so much "Always Be My Baby" but "All I want for Christmas is You" is my favorite Christmas song.

    +I look at myself in the mirror or any type of reflection when I get the chance. Sometimes even my shadow (Only during dusk or dawn because my shadow is bigger then).

    +I'm scared of sharks when I am in any body of water.

    +I am a guy and I like to go to the mall. Probably more than my fiance…

    …I could go on but I should probably stop and remove my skirt and "handbag" for some jorts and a beer.