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A Second Open Letter to Hotels

June 7th, 2010 - Uncategorized - 12 Comments »

Click here to read my first Open Letter to Hotels.
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Dear Hotels,

Thank you for your infinite towel supply and for making my bed on a daily basis. There are, however, a few things you could do to improve the experience for those of us who have chosen you over the 12 other hotels on this exact street corner.

1. Please choose an appropriate height for your shower head.
If a 5’11″ man wants to rinse the shampoo out of his hair, under no circumstance should he have to do a naked wall sit in order for that to happen. Naked wall sits should be reserved for the privacy of one’s own home.

2. Please trust me with your hangers.
I promise I won’t steal your clothes hangers. Seriously. All you’re doing by permanently attaching them to the closet rod is causing people to want them more. Oh, and while we’re at it, now you’re sewing pillows onto your chairs? Is throw pillow theft a bigger deal than I thought?

3. Please chill out with the shower caps.
I’d be willing to bet my life savings that the only people in the world who still use shower caps have packed their own. There is no need for them to be standard issue right next to my mini bottles of shampoo, body lotion and mouthwash. Put all that money you’ll save towards an extra comforter washing or two.

4. Please stop insisting that your $12.95 breakfast buffet is a great deal.
I don’t know what you think the going rate is for limp bacon and bouncy eggs, but your shooting a tad high. I know, I know – you think it’s worth it because you have that cool conveyer belt toaster and endless supply of batter cups for the waffle maker, but you’re wrong. At least trick me into thinking it’s free and sneak that $12.95 into the price of my bottled water.

5. Please choose a shower faucet that idiots can figure out.
If I have to spend more than 1.5 seconds figuring out A) how to turn the water on, or B) how to make it hot, you’ve chosen the wrong one. It is never acceptable for me to have to use two hands at this point in my showering process.

If you could go ahead and take care of those things before my next stay, I’d appreciate it.

Sincerely,
Tyler Stanton

Anything else that should be added to the list before I send it off?
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Post sponsored by Atlanta Personal Injury Attorney, Robert N. Susko

  • Jason

    How hard is it to make sure that window curtains are not too long that they cover the AC vents? I'm tired of propping up my suitcase strategically on the window ledge (which never works) to avoid the Marilyn Monroe style curtain blow out… and while we're on the subject… have you heard they have new "quiet operation" AC's now? Yeah, not a fan of waking up every 23 minutes throughout the night when the AC kicks on. (along with being awoken by the abrupt silence when it kicks off.)

  • nate

    am i the only person that doesn't like my feet and legs to be forcefully strapped to the bed? can the maids chill out just a little bit on the sheet tuck? maybe i like being able to move my legs under the sheets without sweating from the effort it takes.

  • http://www.collinruud.com Collin

    6. I know most people in the world are just chomping at the bit to use that motel Pay-Per-View that you so conveniently provide, but seriously: can you please program the televisions to stay on the same channel we left them on when we turned the TV off? While we're at it, how about some sort of logical layout of TV channels? Do you guys just roll a few d20 dice to figure out where to put the local channels? Finally, WE GET IT. You have HBO. No one is going to throw a party because you do what every other hotel does.
    7. Wow, you really offer us bottled water in our room? And for only $5.95? Thank you so much for saving us the trouble of going to the gas station next door to buy the exact same water for a dollar!
    8. An elliptical machine and 2-2lb barbells does not a gym make.

  • http://www.belovedvirus.com Paul

    How about a standard bedside clock for all hotels? Clearly marked, simple function. No doubt about AM/PM settings. And with the secret function of zapping (a la stun gun-style) the previous room occupant who deviously set the alarm for 3:47 a.m. on the local "always Metal, all the time" radio station.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/Kevin_Keigley Kevin Keigley

    While I enjoy a good surprise like the next fellow, I don't consider finding a long black and kinky hair under my pillow a good surprise. Especially when 1) I have not slept in the bed yet and 2) I have short blondish hair.
    It is a great icebreaker in getting to know the hotel management however.

    • http://myheadinthesand.wordpress.com Zach Gibson

      I got bed bugs at a hotel and they more or less blamed me. I shower 2-3 times a day generally, not because I'm OCD (Ok maybe a little), but I'm a sweaty dude. I showed them the bites on my legs and the bugs in the bed and they moved us rooms- not refund or upgrade, just a new room. Lame

  • Leigh

    You're 5'11"?

  • http://www.andnowforthevows.com Thigpen

    Great post. I'm especially glad the naked wall sit link went to Wikipedia and not some mobile shot that Amy took of you

  • http://myheadinthesand.wordpress.com Zach Gibson

    Please get towels that wrap around an average size person. Or are at least big enough for most large middle school kids.

  • Tom Knesel

    Please do not cover every horizontal flat surface with useless pamphlets, hotel services notebooks and “we’re glad you are staying with us” nonsense. I spend the first 10 minutes scooping all that stuff up and stashing in the closet only to have housekeeping put it back the next day. And your bathroom counters are small enough without the stupid coffee maker and ice bucket hogging what little space there is.
    Seriously, who uses ice buckets?

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