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What Your Drink Order Says About You

June 22nd, 2010 - Uncategorized - 38 Comments »

I already know a lot about you just by listening to your drink order. Here are a few harsh and unfair generalizations.

Tap Water
You probably just finished hiking or doing some sort of outdoor activity. You’d prefer the waiter to just fill up your Nalgene, but since health regulations won’t allow it, you’ll settle for the glass. If you find a curly hair in your food, you simply move it to the side and keep eating. If it were socially acceptable, you’d pee in the parking lot on the way to your Subaru Outback (to prevent backtracking). You still don’t own a cell phone.

Water with Lemon
You wouldn’t dare taint your palate with regular water. This teaspoon-sized lemon squirt makes you feel better about yourself, and better than that imbecile (mentioned above) who went lemon-less. If you’re a man, your shirt is currently tucked in. If you’re a woman, you’re wearing lip gloss and drinking from a straw. You swear you can tell the difference between Dasani and Aquafina.

Diet Coke
The word “diet” gives you the same warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you see “No Trans Fat!” printed on a pizza box. It doesn’t feel healthy, but you’re certain it has to be. You tell people it tastes better than The Real Thing, but deep down you know you’re lying to yourself. You love 100-calorie snack packs and Reduced Fat Wheat Thins. You own a Gazelle.

Half Diet, Half Regular
You get what you want, when you want it. You’re convinced Coke “got it all wrong” and that you’ve found the perfect blend. Little do you know, you’re drinking 49% diet, 49% regular, and 2% snot rocket from the waiter who is tired of high-maintenance people like you. You’re pissed when your maid doesn’t put enough starch in your pleated khakis. Everyone is well aware of where you stand politically.

Fanta Orange
You’re still at kid at heart. You request a bendy straw, even though you’re in the middle of a meeting with your financial advisor trying to learn the meaning of interest. Your ABC gum is stored on the corner of your plate for later. You spend two-thirds of your day at work with Oreos caked in the corners of your mouth. You play World of Warcraft and are acting commissioner in a fantasy league for Madden ’10.

What other harsh assumptions have I missed, either for these drink orders, or ones I forgot?
___

  • Justin

    Love it, Tyler. I'm really interested in why coffee didn't make this list, or is it a list of its own? Hmmm.. maybe I should think it over while enjoying a refreshing glass of half sweet/half unsweet tea with a slice of lemon and an extra half-pack of Splenda.

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/thesmurtis Curtis Honeycutt

    Coke (no ice): You're the guy who thinks he's beat the system–no watered down soda for you. No, sir. You want the straight Coke…haven't you heard of these things called "free refills"? It's like you have access to an infinite geyser-well of sugary goodness, but you don't know. You have cavities.

    Diet Pepsi: You normally order Diet Coke, because it's better than nothing. Well, here's a drink that's NOT better than nothing: Diet Pepsi aka Diet Nasty McShasta. Other people make decisions for you. You own and use a Snuggy and Crocs (sometimes simultaneously).

    Diet Dr. Pepper: You only come to this one restaurant because it's the one restaurant on Earth (other than Chik Fil A and select Arby's restaurants) that has Diet DP on tap. You're awesome. You know that Diet Dr. Pepper really does taste close to the original. You're going to heaven. In fact, God may even sweep you up early Elijah-style because He's so looking forward to hanging out with you.

    Mountain Dew: Sweet nectar. You're planning on going home *ahem* back to mom and dad's to play a killer WoW marathon and pwn some n00bs, as soon as you finish your chicken strips.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/JoshAtkins JoshAtkins

      I loved that you refer to Mt. Dew as sweet nectar. I thought I was the only one!

  • http://830eyes.wordpress.com Katie

    So, I'm sure the question everyone's dying to know is – Tyler, what is your drink of choice?

  • http://www.logankstewart.blogspot.com logankstewart

    Sweet Tea: (optional, with lemon see water with lemon): Your drink makes you feel like your back home, visiting mamaw and papaw. You probably ordered fried chicken and cornbread, and if the tea's not southern but that northern brown-water crap, you refuse to ever dine at the place again. You automatically drink at least 4 refills of this stuff and spend the next ten hours peeing.

    Makers Mark: While all the rest of your friends are imbibing water or cavity-creating sodas, you indulge in a bourbon that puts the world in perspective. You see your friends for who they really are and judge them by the drinks they order. Water? Cheapskate. Diet Coke? Self-confidence issues. Mountain Dew? Crazy hipster. You snuggle up to your Makers at night and hate the world and their poor beverage choices.

  • http://www.logankstewart.blogspot.com logankstewart

    Unsweet Tea: You're a hellion bent on a path of destruction and despair. No one understands you. You've got only a few friends. People cringe at the table when they see you swig your unsweetened beverage. "Why isn't he drinking water?" they whisper quietly to each other. Your blood flows better than most, but it has to, because you've got diabetes and you have to drink unsweetened tea.

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/spreadtheflame spreadtheflame

    Very funny stuff. Good ones from Curtis too! Seriously laughed on these.

    Someone funnier than me do one for green tea, Snapple, and shakes.

  • http://www.tylertarver.com Tyler Tarver

    Caramel Frappuccino: You enjoy energy but you want to giggle when you get it. Your drink is the Anakin to coffee's Darth Vader. When you sip into your delightfully crafted venti slice of heaven, you're immediately transported to a land where butterflies carry you from cloud to cloud like a world key in Mario. You have not a care in the world, and why should you? You're drinking a tangable version of a Jack Johnson song on crack.

    Disclaimer: This may be less of a depiction of what the people look like and more about how I feel when the planets align and I have $5.13 to lose.

  • …adam

    Cherry Coke: you make good decisions and I will follow you anywhere.

    Appletini (easy on the 'tini): Either you are a character from Scrubs or you no longer want to be friends with me.

    Sprite: You aren't sure about the grease content of the food you are about to eat and want to preemptively help your stomach calm down. And you think you are too good for caffeine but still want something that will eat away at any positive enamel that has built up to protect your teeth.

    Ginger Ale: Whoa, what is this, an airplane? Order a an actual restaurant beverage or take your pretentious beverage to another table.

  • http://ilovemrpibb.blogspot.com Greta

    Quality post.
    Although I was also expecting coffee. Maybe that's to come?

  • http://bryanallain.com bryan a

    Clown Tears: You're gross.

    Vegetable Oil: you're gross.

    Rabbit Urine: you're gross.

    Ginger Ale: You're gross.

    Transmission Fluid: You're gross.

    • http://jskogerboe.com jskogerboe

      I love that Ginger Ale is somehow akin to drinking Rabbit Urine. So now I'm here at work wondering how one might go about harvesting said beverage. Not that I'd want to. I can just pick up a six of Canada Dry at the local SuperValu on the way home. Much easier.

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/tylertarver Tyler Tarver

      Clown tears caused World War II.

  • indymavs

    Coffee (black) : you're a "real" man. no girly-sugar or creme for you. You wear flannel in summer, ride horses bareback, and eat chicken raw.

    Coffee (cream) : you're someone who drinks coffee not necessarily for the taste, but not just for the jolt of caffeine either. You serve coffee in cups on a saucer and drive your Oldsmobile to church on Sundays, but otherwise it stays in the garage.

    Coffee (sugar) : you're still a child at heart. You want to order the orange creme soda, but for fear of ridicule order a "grown up" drink though you have to make it slightly more palatable by pouring an equal amount of sugar to liquid ratio.

    Venti caramel frap half-caf, soy-latte, lite whip, mocha cappuccino : you're pretentious.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/Kevin_Keigley Kevin Keigley

    Monster Energy Drink – You probably can't get your Tapout shirt off fast enough to Google my name and come and use your TV-learned UFC moves on me.

    • http://jeffatherton.net jeff atherton

      haha- That is AWESOME!! I think I know "that guy"

  • http://kelseyhill.blogspot.com Kelsey

    Arnold Palmer: You feel a little bit like you're part of an exclusive club for knowing the "secret" name for half tea, half lemonade. You probably watch Jeopardy to test your knowledge of random trivia and play a little golf so your connection with Arnold goes deeper than simply what beverage you drink.

    • Paul

      The Arnold Palmer is the Mullet of the drink world. Tea = Business in the front; Lemonade = Party in the back.

  • http://www.hallfamily07.blogspot.com Amy Henderson Hall

    I want to add to the Ginger Ale – you are pregnant!

    Suicide Drink Cobo: You are a child! Your inner child is SCREAMING to get out. So you would only do this at a subway or other restaurant that you make your own drink. Step up to the drink machine with so much excitement you might pee your pants. Then with a little ice in your cup you start at the left and make your way right with an equal portion of each beverage! This inner child is so excited you cannot even wait to get to your seat to drink some then add a little more mountain dew to the mix! One hour later you are napping at the office bc your sugar rush has now subsided and you are spent!

  • Katie

    I'm tap water. Except minus the peeing and the phone. Or maybe fanta. But yeah that's pretty much all true.

  • http://mattmcpheely.com matt

    A glass of milk – i instantly hate you, but unexpectedly respect you.

  • Carlyn

    Almond Milk: if you order this you haven't been out to eat in a whilebecause you lived in a cabin for 2 years and think since Trader Joe's is cool now IHOP will start serving weird milk.

    Busch Beer: you watch nascar and just ordered a hot dog for dinner.

    Red Wine Spritzer: you are probably baptist and think since Jesus made wine you can joke about Jesus making it and drink a whole bottle mixed with a 1/2 cup sprite at the melting pot with your girlfriends.

  • Kathryn

    Any Takers on Kool-aid??

    On a glass of Milk – you just ate like a huge piece of chocolate cake or you are a dunker and have some oreo cookies next to you.

  • http://kendrasands.blogspot.com/ kendra

    beer: you are awesome.
    any sweet acholic beverage: go home.
    beer when everyone else you are with are ordering sweet/fruity drinks: you get the joke. and you are awesom-er.
    water with lime: you know what you are talking about.
    water with no ice: you watch too much local news about sanitation grades

  • Leigh

    If you're a guy and you order a diet drink or a Sierra Mist you are automatically unworthy of respect. Add to that a v neck and man capris and I'm calling you out publicly. Unless you're currently starring in a Bravo reality show.

  • Bryan

    Jack and Coke: You want to order a tough-guy drink, but your insecurity keeps you from asking the bartender what are some good mixed drinks. Like black coffee, you're determined to like the drink after your first sip. Meanwhile, your insecurity has left you laughing inexcusibly hard at every joke being told in your man group. You're probably wearing a t-shirt and blazer, but don't know if you should wear the sleeves of your blazer down or up to look more hip.

    Decaf Black Coffee: You no longer suffer through regular black coffee because it at least gives you a little jolt. You've proved you like the actual taste of black coffee regardless of the jolt. Most likely you've lost all regard of what people think about you and you're currently wearing an '88 Peachtree Roadrace tank-top, Umbro running shorts, and mid-calf tube socks

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/tylerstanton Tyler Stanton

      Are you writing about me?

      ………………..

      tyler stanton

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/joannamuses joanna

    I'm still trying to work out how to explain people that order plain hot water

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/belovedtattoo samantha

    i'm a water with lime kind of girl ….
    and i'm almost afraid to say what my starbucks drink is, but i want to share it because its so freaking good.
    the baristas at my local store call it "sam's cup of joy"- behold:
    grande iced starbucks doubleshot, sub 2 pumps white mocha, 1 pump sugar free cinnamon dolce, 1 pump hazelnut, soy.

    it will make your tongue slap your brains out.

  • chris miller

    Despite repeated attempts to trick my wife she always manages a way to tell the difference between dasani and aquafina. It's almost unbearable ordering water for her.

    What does it say about you if you're a water with lime guy? I suspect not good things.

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  • Parker Wilson

    Ok, so I just ordered a Surge. Where does that leave me?

  • Sarah Beth

    What about unsweetened tea(!)? Or a post about Starbucks drink orders?

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