Today’s guest post is from Scott Moore, creator of the hilarious site To Every Man a Manswer and current author of his own blog, The Moore You Know (see what he did there?). Do yourself a favor and go check out his Monster Ballads page for a good hearty dose of laughter. Scott, whenever you’re ready…
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My 29th birthday is less than a month away, which basically means I’m closer to old than I have ever been. Just this morning, I noticed a single hair below the base of my throat yet not quite on my chest. What’s the big deal? That is the early onset of the eventual body hair drawbridge being lowered to my chest hair from my throat hair area. Soon, I will have to think about where to stop shaving or I might cross the boundary into shaving my chest. And I don’t care how old you are, shaving your chest is never OK. Unless you’re a woman.

The problem is I don’t feel like I’m getting older, I feel as spry as ever. So, finding this rogue hair marked an epiphany for me, a tangible reminder that I’m not getting any younger. This realization brought on a small panic attack. Not about getting older, but more about wondering if I was on the way to becoming that guy who doesn’t appear to be aware of the fact that he is old.

I don’t want to be that guy. I made a list of areas where I need to be careful.

Fashion – There are few things more depressing than seeing a grown man walk out of Abercrombie & Fitch, especially if he’s carrying a bag so small that it could only contain boxer briefs. A general rule of thumb should be to stay away from any clothing chain that prominently uses teenage girls in their sales catalog. It’s also wise to avoid stores that consider fake sand an accessory for their window displays.

Sports – I have noticed an odd correlation between aging athletes and their athletic attire. The more authentic the jersey they are wearing the greater the likelihood they should stop whatever sport they are trying to play and just go pick up shuffleboard.

Music – At a certain age it is ok to not know the newest hippest bands. There comes a time when it’s acceptable to just pop in Journey’s greatest hits and enjoy. You can stop always trying to be on the cutting edge of music, just don’t stop believing.

Lingo – With each new decade of life, more and more words become unacceptable to use. We shouldn’t say “I tee-teed the potty” when we’re 15, just like we shouldn’t say “fo’ shizzle” when we’re 25. And after 35, your vocabulary should not include anything that can be found on urbandictionary.com.

Help keep me from being that old dude at the gym who slicks his long gray hair back into a ponytail while playing basketball in a full Bill Laimbeer jersey, only later to go walking around the locker in only a shirt and no pants.
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Tyler here. Let’s help the new guy out. What else should be added to his list?