Back in May when we took a trip up to Intercourse to visit the Allains, Bryan forced us to watch a reality show called The Bachelorette. Anyone who has watched the show knows that it only takes seconds to get you in its death grip – a grip so powerful that it forces you to tune in every Monday for the rest of your life.

Now that the season has ended, we thought it would be a good idea to bring things full circle and share some Life Lessons we’ve learned from our viewing experience (there are so many!). Bryan’s tackling the first eight over on his blog and I’m completing the list over here. Here goes…

Life Lesson #9 – Don’t expect to win relationship competitions unless 92% of American women openly lust after you on Facebook.

We were all rooting for you, Chris. The underdog. The guy with the nervous cheek blotches. The All-American man. Too bad you weren’t better looking. Seriously. Let this be a lesson to all of you moderate-looking guys out there: Even if they have sweating problems, hot guys will always win. Every. Single. Time.

Life Lesson #10 – Follow your heart…unless you’re on a reality show.

If Frank were on a chick flick, audiences would love the fact that, in a moment of clarity, he left a guaranteed win on some stupid reality show to go home to be with his true love. We’d advocate that in life too. If one of our best friends was in a situation like Frank and asked us for our advice, we’d tell him to pack it up and go be with the love of his life. But because Ali was the main character of the show, Frank was vilified and deemed by Ali as “the most selfish person she’d ever met.”

Interesting analysis, Ali. I just hope you never do that to anyone– oh wait…never mind. You did the exact same thing in the finale.

Life Lesson #11 – “Giving up everything” is the new slang for “giving up relatively nothing for something exponentially better.”

I’ve already called her out on it, but just to reiterate – Ali has a serious misunderstanding of what “giving up everything” means. She reminded us many times that she gave up everything – her job AND (gasp!) her apartment – to be the star of the most popular show on television, travel the world without spending a dime, and have 30 guys clamoring for her attention.

Other uses of this new slang:

Barack Obama gave up everything to become President of the United States.

The guy holding a winning lottery ticket gave up everything to go cash it in.

A man with nothing gave up everything to have something.

Life Lesson #12 – Apparently Bora Bora is the only place on earth where beach picnics don’t suck.

Have you ever been on a beach picnic? They’re terrible. The entire time Roberto and Ali were on their beach picnic, all I could think about was the wet sand all over the blanket, the instantly stale food, and the sticky saltwater air that causes beach dwellers to break into an instantaneous full-body sweat. How romantic!

Life Lesson #13 – The best way to start any date is with a brisk 60-yard dash.

I’m not sure what the producers were thinking, but every one-on-one date started with the two of them being dropped off a football field’s length away from one another. It was an impossible decision for the man. If he walked, it took forever and it appeared like he wasn’t excited. If he sprinted, he looked desperate and would spend the rest of the date with sweat rings.* If he did a walk/jog, he just looked stupid.** It’s a no-win situation.

Life Lesson #14 – Always have a good toast in your back pocket in the event television cameras show up in your house.

Frank’s dad – you did it. You gave what will now be my staple toast for years to come. In case you missed it (on the Men Tell All episode), the ingredients are simple: one group of people who is in on it (Frank’s family), one unsuspecting guest (Ali), two straight minutes of senseless rambling (Frank’s dad), heartfelt affirmations from the group as the guest looks around wondering if it is real (Frank’s family), and one extremely long pause when it’s over before you reveal that it was a joke. Brilliant.

Life Lesson #15 – When in doubt, assess your surroundings and sing about it in a free-flowing manner.

One thing Casey showed us is that you can’t go wrong breaking into an impromptu song when you have a terrible voice. Wait– No, I’m sorry. Make that, you can go wrong doing that. You can go so wrong, in fact, that you can make people temporarily forget about your Kermit/whisper voice, your “guard-and-protect” mantra, and the (literal) badge of shame you will forever wear on your wrist.***

Bryan’s got Life Lessons 1-8 on his blog, so head over there to see the start of the list.

And be sure to add your own life lessons to the comments here at my blog or over at his if you’ve got any to share.

* Severe sweat rings didn’t seem to matter in Roberto’s case.
** Kirk
*** I did love the fact that Casey was able to laugh at himself in the end. It kind of redeemed him in a way.
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