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The Bryan vs. Tyler NFL Battle

August 19th, 2010 - Uncategorized - 35 Comments »

I’ve never really cared that much about NFL football. That is, until The Schnoz (aka Bryan Allain) waged war on me and my readers – in NFL Pick ‘Em.

Bryan writes:

Tyler and I are going head to head this year picking NFL games against the spread. As I have done in every other area of my life, including hairlines, I want to own him. And as much as I’m going to enjoy demolishing him, I thought it would be awesome if some of my readers did the same to some of his readers.

I don’t know if you caught it, but he’s talking smack to you too. The way he said “his readers” wreaked of pompousness and conceit. I need you to band with me to collectively punch him in said Schnoz. My fist isn’t big enough to do it alone.

I need 5 of you (guys or girls) to join forces with me in taking down Bryan Allain’s NFL Pick ‘Em team. You don’t need to be an NFL genius, you just need to A) be savvy enough to log in to CBS Sports to create an entry and B) be committed enough to not quit halfway through the season.

If you’re interested in being on my team of six, leave a comment to this post with the following info:

1. Your Name

2. Why I should recruit you onto my team (be as ridiculous as you’d like with as many Bryan Allain low-blows as you’d like)

I’ll let you know who made the team in the next couple days. Then we’ll give you all the boring rules and details after that. You’ll be picking every game against the spread throughout the seventeen week NFL season, and in the end we’ll have an overall individual champion and a winning team based on combined records.

Bryan is posting this same thing on his blog today in order to assemble his team of six. If you like him more than you like me, head on over there and hide under the shade of his nose.

Are you ready for some (NFL) football?

  • mayfields

    1. Kelly Mayfield

    2. Well, I'm the first one to comment (I think). Also, my husband, Trey, is in 5, count em', FIVE, fantasy football leagues. So even though I have no idea who Bryan Allain is or what a schnoz is, I really need some bragging rights in this house that even though my husband spends 18 hours a day thinking/talking/dreaming about fantasy football, that I can win something somewhat related. You won't regret this.

  • evdaddy

    My name is Everett Arnold Bracken, but my friend's call me the "Schnoz Killer." you should pick me for 2 reasons: 1) i played flag football in high school. 2) I want to take Bryan down because the one time I gave him a ride in my car, he left so much stank in there that I still have to wear a gas mask while driving. And 3) i love Tyler Gertrude Stanton!

  • http://www.whyeverypresidentsucked.com Eric Olsen

    1. Eric "Allain Crusher" Olsen
    2. I just paid $10 to buy this year's Sports Illustrated's Fantasy Football Issue, because I refuse to lose to a guy whose blog header looks like a Sandi Patty CD cover.

    • http://bryanallain.com bryan a

      says the guy who owns the Sandi Patty CDs.

      • http://www.wheyeverypresidentsucked.com Eric Olsen

        crap. i was hoping no one would follow that logic train.

  • Ben

    1. Ben Day
    2. I once played football, but quickly realized I was a much better spectator and have been a committed one since high school. Parallely, Mr. Allain used to be my go to guy for humor online, but of late I have realized you to be far funnier…

    • http://bryanallain.com bryan a

      Wow, Ben. Just…wow.

      I don't even know who you are anymore.

      • Ben

        Don't get me wrong…. the people of NC still love you! But I have just moved to GA and that is Tyler's territory…gotta be loyal!

  • http://www.adaupdates.blogspot.com Scott

    1. Scott Moore
    2. I played football in high school, yet was not good enough to play at a higher level. Therefore, I over compensate my athletic shortcomings through athletic knowledge. I find my worth through knowing everything there is to know about sports. Also, as a kid, Pinocchio terrified me so I’ve declared vengeance on large noses everywhere, kind like Bruce Willis did with dying hard. So, pick me and our team motto can be “Yippie ki yay, mother football.”

  • Blake Swanson

    1. Blake Swanson
    2. I was your "big brother: in the fraternity. I feel like we never had that bonding experience. This could be a great opportunity to reach out to my "little brother" and make up for lost time…(queue scratching record)…j/k. I would love to help you punch anybody in the Schnoz.

  • Russ Ray

    1. Russ Ray
    2. My Yahoo Fantasy Sports profile says that I won 3rd place in an NFL pickem league two years ago and 1st place in a college pickem that same year. I'm also paying attention to my fantasy league again after a year off for what may or may not have been federal dogfighting charges.

    By the way, I see that Bryan has some suck-up on his blog claiming to be from Indianapolis, yet he doesn't worship the Colts. That is out and out blasphemy because we all know that the Colts are Jesus' team, and Tony Dungy will have a seat in Heaven between Moses and Elijah where he will hand back the playbook to them for Super Bowl 41. I know this because I have a painting in velvet on my wall of this scene that I bought downtown for $35. (I think Elvis is in the background somewhere too.)

    Anyway, I would like to join to go head to head against this blasphemer from my town to set him straight and knock his block off (in Christian love).

  • http://thatguykc.wordpress.com ThatGuyKC

    1. K.C. "The Doctor" Procter

    2. You need me on your team to reconstruct the Schnoz after Team Tyler collectively head-butts Amish Allain into oblivion. I grew up playing the other "football" (soccer), but have come to love that sport played "any given Sunday" (unless of course it's March, April, May, June or July).

  • Jody Ferrell

    1. Jody Ferrell
    2. Because I use phrases such as “It’s on like Donkey Kong” on a daily basis.

  • http://breakingthrough.tumblr.com Jeremy Keegan

    1. Jeremy Keegan

    2. I have been consistently mediocre in fantasy football for the last 5 years. What that means is that I know a lot about football, but have done absolutely nothing with it. The time has come for me to do something significant with my life, and that something is joining an all-star team in picking meaningless future sports happenings, for the mere goal of one guy being able to harass his "friend." If I wasn't born for this, what then? I promise (more or less) that I will (might) pick every winner (or loser) of every game this season. I swear (write on a blog post) to dedicate all (some) of my time and effort to taking down those other guys.

    Oh, and because the name of my fantasy football team is "Rod Blagojevich's Hair."

    And, because it's so crazy, it just might work.

  • Kyle

    1. Kyle Stanton

    2. I'm 7 years younger than you and know more than you about every sport known to man. Including the NFL. Just moved to a place to where I know nobody. Therefore, Sportcenter and ESPN.com are my friends. I also hit more home runs than you when we were in the major league. Fact.

    • http://tylerstanton.com Tyler

      I'm not sure if you understand how this works. This is the time to take shots at Bryan.

      • Kyle

        I feel more comfortable taking shots at you. I'll take my shots at Bryan on the world wide web of football… picking. Also, it just gave me an excuse to say that.

        • Kyle

          Bryan sucks…

  • Matt Riggins

    1. Riggs
    2. I hate Bryan's blog… this blog rules.

  • http://sundayschoolreject.com Sean Henry

    1. Sean Henry

    2. I seek affirmation through the belittling of others, and this will be like crack for me… There's a Dr. Phil moment in there somewhere.

  • nate

    1. nate

    2. people from pennsylvania think they know a lot about football because their state is traditionally good at it. that's dumb. i'm from atlanta and i don't know how to rap or sling crack rock. but i do know how to make wise choices regarding nfl victories- and i'm better at that than everyone in pennsylvania.

    chew on that, keystone state.

  • Jake Manne

    1) Jake

    2) I am a Lions Fan. Which speaks to my eternal hopefulness and utter disillusision towards logical love of Sports Teams.

  • darooda

    1. Brett

    2. If Bryan doesn't pick me, I'd slum it on your team. Yes, I'm taking the Kyle Stanton approach, winning you over with insults. I promise to be equally lazy and unoriginal with my picks for your team.

  • Luke

    1. Luke

    2. Because I have been picking games since elementary school when my family picked games every week and I am currently in seminary which means I have direct access to all the necessary football deities.

  • Bryan

    Bryan Stanton

    Three Reasons: 1) I'm the only one here that is mentioning the absolute absurdity of using CBS Sportsline to do this game. Might as well ask me to make Ask Jeeves my home page while we're at it. 2) I've made picks against the spread before and know that the best strategy is to go against my gut on every pick. 3) I hate Bryan's blog more than Riggs.

    • http://bryanallain.com bryan a

      Listen Bryan, despite spelling your name correctly you are wrong about CBS Sportsline. On the surface it would seem that picking them is ridiculous because when you think of the top sports websites, they don't crack the Top 10. BUT…when it comes to office pools they know how to handle their crap. They provide options in their office pools that the big sites like ESPN do not. For instance, one thing I'd like to do in this league is weight 1 of the games to be worth double. ESPN doesn't let you do that. Neither does Yahoo as far as I could tell.

      So yeah, you're right. on the surface it seems like only an idiot would pick CBS. but then you realize you don't know as much as you think you do and you realize you're the idiot. I hope Tyler picks you.

  • Jon Cook

    1) Jon Cook.

    2) I've never finished lower than 2nd in any given fantasy football league for four years that I've been playing FF.

    If that's not enough, here are three hard-hitting facts to rest the case about why you want me to be on your team.

    Fact: Madden NFL was my gin and tonic in Bible College. Oh sweet memories of X-Up Arrow-R1 double-swim tackle.

    Fact: I once beat Chuck Norris in fantasy football…and he cried. He then got so mad that he broke the land speed record on a tricycle with no front wheel and no chain. But I digress…

    Fact: Unlike Bryan I don't have to live in Amish country to be the coolest kid on the block. Some things just come naturally.

    Done.

  • Kit

    1) Kit

    2) I love football! 90 min of non-stop action. I really love the Blackburn Rovers. Now I know I know…they arent even in the top of the Premiership league. But let me tell you…they have a good chance this year. Pick me and you will benefit from my knowledge of football from the Champions League to our good ol MLS.

    PS: Who is this Bryan Allain guy? Does he play for Leeds or something?

    • http://bryanallain.com bryan a

      the "who is Bryan Allain" thing kills me every time. love it.

  • Josh

    1 Josh Schneider

    2. My vast knowledge off football proves to beat many five year olds. I know that in all circumstances the bear wins in a fight. Another reason that you should pick me is because I also believe that Tripps airbrush shirt is rediculous and if picked I will wage twitter war against him until it is destroyed…. Oh and it gives me something to do this winter while looking for a job

  • JackDeus

    1) Jack Deus
    2) There are two main reasons you have to pick me.
    -Unlike most of the people here I actually know the difference between fantasy football and football pick'em, AND have excelled at both for years. The last three years I've gone from 7th to 5th to 1st. If you can't see where this trend is going (hint: the only place to go up from 1st is Schnoz busting) then maybe I don't wanna be on your team anyway. Just kidding, I really do. Pleeeeease pick me!
    -A little while ago I got into a heated Twitter debate with Bryan about the merits of Tug-of-War. During this gentlemanly discussion he had the nerve to call me a barbarian. The best way to prove to him that I am not a barbarian is by viciously and mercilessly crushing his pick'em team, lighting it on fire, and urinating on the ashes…then apologizing. The only way I can do so is if you pick me.

  • Jeremy Reiv….

    1.0 – Jeremy Reiv….
    2.0 – My wife told me that I met Bryan A. once, but I thought it was just a crook stealing Washington's Schnoz from Mt Rushmore.
    2.1 – I didn't realize that Brian was trying to revive Digital Undergrounds Humpty-Hump look.
    2.2 – The only one jealous of Bryan's Schnoz is Gonzo from the Muppets.
    2.3 – There's more to come if you pick me (Of course that's Bryan's nose talking)

  • http://thewayiseeit99.blogspot.com/ Sarah Beth

    1. Sarah Schulte
    2. You only have one or two girl commenters. Bryan has several. You need more female presence. I also am addicted to the game like Jordan and Peyton, and don't mind quoting Weezy when appropriate – which is always. Also, I'm sorry I'm late. No excuses, but I promise it will not happen again, Coach.

    P.S. I am in three fantasy leagues, have placed in every league I've ever played in, and men usually clamor for my insight into the gridiron. Seriously. And I rock high heels with my #18 jersey.

    P.P.S. I once had a sports blog, but it died due to lack of readership. If you pick me, I promise I will revive it. I'm all in.

  • Ryan King

    1. My name is Ryan King.

    2. I'm a college student…all we do is watch sports.
    Last year I was 193-4.
    And I don't really know Bryan but I head he likes the Saints and Panthers…so I want to beat him.

  • http://www.kevinkeigley.com Kevin Keigley

    1. My name Kevin Keigley
    2. I like to make touchback in the football matches!