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Golf Rules for the Rest of Us

August 25th, 2010 - Uncategorized - 24 Comments »

I’ve been wanting to start this conversation for a while now. Every time I play golf, I realize how ludicrous it is to subject myself to the same rules as professionals. When I go to a batting cage, do I crank it up to 96mph and hope to foul one off? No. I dial it down to 60 and relive the glory days.

The vast majority of us suck at golf. We need to figure out a way to make the entire experience better. Which is why I present to you, Golf Rules for the Rest of Us:

+ When you hit a ball into the woods, just find a ball. It doesn’t have to be your ball – any white ball will do.

+ Any form of “Hit it Alice” after another player comes up short on a putt results in a two-stroke penalty for the perpetrator, as well as a hearty lower-back slap.

+ Each player gets one mulligan per dollar spent on greens fees. $60 = 60 mulligans. When a player runs out of mulligans, he is allowed to start using do-overs (players get 60 of those as well).

+ The red tees are there for a reason. Use them. Some would say they’re for women and children, but those people also shoot in the mid-70s and wear Musk deodorant.

+ First person to point out that the guy who plumb bobs before a putt doesn’t know what that even does gets to move his ball eight feet closer to the hole. The plumb bobber must then putt with his 8-iron, left-handed.

+ If players discover, upon arriving at the first tee, that the course is Cart Path Only today, they are free to return to the clubhouse and get your money back. No one should be subjected to those conditions.

+ If a player duffs a chip shot and no one is there to see it, did he really duff his chip shot? The answer is no. It was just a practice swing.

+ If a player has never legitimately broken 100, he has no right to get mad after a bad shot. That’s just what he does when he plays golf. He hits bad shots.

+ No player should feel guilty for quitting after fourteen. Everyone knows that is the ideal length for a golf course.

+ If an amateur player adamantly swears he can tell the difference between brands of golf balls, he will receive a 3-stroke penalty for lying and must give each of the other players a sleeve of golf balls.

+ Not only is a player allowed to ground his club in a sand trap, but he is also allowed to build a waist-high sand mound to put his ball on if he desires. Also, if he’d rather not get sandy, he is allowed to take his ball out of the trap and put it in the middle of the fairway.

What other rules need to make the list?

  • Dan

    I completely agree about the 14-hole rule. I realized years ago that right around the 14th hole I start getting tired/bored of the round and am ready to call it done. Glad I'm not the only one.

  • kevindeshazo

    amazing. absolutely amazing. coffee may or may not have shot out of my nose at #4 (regarding the red tees). well done, sir.

  • http://manofdepravity.com Tyler_Braun

    As someone who can shoot a lot lower than 100 I love the "you can't get mad at a bad shot if you suck" rule. So true.

  • …adam

    Crap. My "do you want me to hold your purse so you can hit the ball" joke was the only thing going for my golf game. Now I am sitting on a two stroke penalty?

    You know what? Worth it.

  • http://Www.everettbracken.com Everett

    How about a three stroke penalty for anyone who says, “this is the worst I’ve ever played.” if they are already shooting 38 after four holes, then we know the truth. Every time they play is the worst they have ever played.

  • http://www.wheyeverypresidentsucked.com Eric Olsen

    + If a player has never legitimately broken 100, he has no right to get mad after a bad shot. That’s just what he does when he plays golf. He hits bad shots.

    This simple logic applies to EVERYTHING in life. Brilliant, Tyler.

  • Chuck Mullis

    Rule #3 should definitely be listed at the bottom of every scorecard! Great post!

  • http://www.benreed.net Ben Reed

    Duffed chip shots don't count…brilliant!

  • http://www.taterhouse.blogspot.com TaterHouse

    The moment someone starts paying me to play golf is the moment when I will stop cheating at golf. As long as I am playing for my own round, I have no issues with cheating. I love your list of rules. Outstanding.

    I would add this rule:
    If you can throw your club farther than where your last shot landed, you get to take a mulligan or choose to hit from where the club landed.

  • bbcoutlaw

    If you are playing with someone who claims to be a scratch golfer, and they fail to hit it past the red tee box off a drive, Said golfer will have to play the next hole with their pants down…

  • Dusto

    If your dad has a 6:50am tee time EVERY FLIPPIN' Saturday, then you have the right to laugh in his face when he asks you if you want to go golfing with him…who functions that early?!

    And if, on the rare occasion, you do go with him, he has no right to be mad at you for taking your time or missing the ball three times in a row or chipping from one side of the green to the other until you've hit your stroke limit for the hole…

  • nate

    when i was younger, my grandpa used to be very impressed with my short game because we he wasn't looking, i would just pick the ball up and throw it where it needed to be.

    we should make that legal.

  • Kyle

    If you slice the ball so far off the fairway, you are allowed to move the ball one stones-throw towards the fairway. And if that does not put you on the fairway, then one more.

  • http://tothetuneoftim.blogspot.com Tim M

    There is no such thing as a lost ball, only a stolen ball. Every so-called lost ball will be picked up by someone else, and you can't control that…. well, except when you yourself pick up someone else's ball. See, you just proved my point. No penalty.

  • Bryan

    What about the rule, "If someone else is paying for you to play, a two-shot penalty for any emotion remotely resembling anger?"

  • Jeremy Stephens

    How about: a lost ball is penalty enough. Whenever your ball goes in the water, put another one somewhere playable and keep going like that's where the original shot actually landed.

  • http://myheadinthesand.wordpress.com Zach

    I love your rules, but I just decided three years ago, I don't play golf. I'm not good enough to waste money on the shoes. I drink too many expensive Cokes on the course because it's generally too flipping hot. So I just don't play

  • realbryanrule

    If you do manage to hit the ball well but it is too far or falls short you should be able to place in the same line but where it should have landed if you had a caddy to tell you which club to use.

  • T-Row

    Whether it be 12 inches or 12 feet, "gimee" length should be up to the golfer himself. Who is someone else to tell you how close a "gimee" is?

    This my be my favorite blog ever by the way… Props

  • http://www.newnamectc.org Jason Glaze

    If a player is not good hitting long irons he should be able to twist the grass and place his ball on it as if it was a tee. (my uncle actually does that)

    Instead of gimmie putts being inside the leather of the putter they should be a gimmie if they are with in the length of a driver.

    You should be a to yell “NEWNAN” at your competitor while he is putting like they did on the movie Caddie Shack.

  • http://joshlafayette.com/blogs Josh LaFayette

    It is acceptable to tee up your ball anywhere along a given hole. Hitting a ball off of a tee with a 5 iron from the middle of the fairway feels so right.

  • http://www.freebirthdaygolf.com greenfee

    "If a player has never legitimately broken 100, he has no right to get mad after a bad shot. That’s just what he does when he plays golf. He hits bad shots."

    So true, the game is supposed to be fun.

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  • Brad Brannon

    You forgot the "bounceback" rule-if the ball hits something and bounces further back than where it started, you can either a) replace ball to original spot or if lie is improved b) play it from there as a redo. Also the "edges" rule where if any part of the ball rolls over an edge of the hole, it is deemed as having been hole out.