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DBTG: Sports Fan Edition

October 12th, 2010 - Don't Be That Guy - 27 Comments »

I’ve been doing some extensive research the past couple of weeks on sports fans. I’ve been to a Braves game. I’ve scoured Twitter and Facebook. I’ve eavesdropped on numerous conversations. And I’ve realized this: there are a few types of fans that no one wants you to be. And by “you”, I mean “me”. It should be noted, before the ranting begins, that I am guilty of many of the undesirable characteristics I’m about to rail on.

The Perfect Teamer
His team has never done wrong. Every penalty, bad play, and even loss can and will somehow be blamed on poor officiating. I’ve found that there is a direct correlation between how diehard a fan is and how un-objective he is when things don’t go his team’s way. They make it hard to be around themselves.

The Fair Weatherer
Soap box alert: Atlanta experienced a lot of this with Brooks Conrad this past week. The guy was a freaking hero coming into the playoffs. Game-winning grand slams. Clutch hit after clutch hit to help us win the wild card. Then he makes some key errors* and Atlanta is ready to burn his jersey in the streets, Lebron-style.

The Wave Starter
I’ve talked about this guy before, but this list wouldn’t be complete without him. Click here to read about him in detail.

The Subjective Authority
This guy begins 88% of his sentences with the phrase “I’ll tell you what happened…”, followed by some definitive statement that he heard Colin Cowherd make on the radio that morning. Dude, I know you know if Brett Favre is going to retire or not, but just let ESPN do their job and talk about it every day of the entire summer.

The Fighter
I was at a game once where two guys started getting into a verbal sparring match. They eventually got to a point where fighting was the next logical step. Guy #1 shouted “You wanna take this outside?!” Guy#2 exclaimed “We are outside!” Then the hundred fans surrounding them mocked Guy #1 until he sat down in shame. Best fight I’ve ever seen.

The Poor Chopper
Your city probably has some unique thing that fans do during games. In Atlanta, we have the Tomahawk Chop. For those of you who don’t know, there are only two positions in the Chop – bent arm and extended arm. The beat that we chop to is far from complicated. Yet, somehow, Braves fans are physically incapable of getting on the same page with this. Watching a sellout crowd do the Chop is closely akin to watching a room full of our parents try to do the Cupid Shuffle together.

The Pessimist
This is the perfect way to describe us Georgia Tech fans. When something bad happens, we curse the team and shout things like “Classic Tech!” When something good happens, we act overly-surprised (especially in a crowd of people) and shout things like “Just wait…” I’ve found that this mindset makes it almost impossible to be disappointed.

Who did I miss?

  • Bryan Johnson

    I was just saying the other day that I wish we could go back to '91 and '92 when fans could do the chop on beat. The whole stadium could do it through an entire commercial break without breaking rhythm.

    • Tyler Stanton

      Man, those were some great times. It was around the time that Francisco Cabrera reigned as king.

  • Rick

    Many of the fair-weatherers live here in San Diego. Other than the roar of the ocean or the screaming jets at Miramar, the most commonly heard sound is the clatter of people jumping on and off the bandwagon.

    And as a graduate of Washington State University, part of the education involves pessimism about Cougar football. Mistakes, chokes, and losses are all explained away by the phrase "We Couged it." Red zone fumble? We Couged it. Can't stop the run? We Couged it. Blew a midterm? That's a Couged It moment, too.

    • Tyler Stanton

      "We couged it"…I love it.
      Can I use it if I didn't go to Washington State?

      • Rick

        All you have to do is be a WSU fan, which involves a lifetime of agony.

    • Tyler Stanton

      wow. i love that phrase. can people who didn't go to washington state use it?……………….tyler stanton

      • Rick

        You can use it, but it may not make much sense in the south. You might have to modify it for the SEC like "We Bulldogged it" or "We Vol'd it". The key to making the phrase stick is to truly have the team synonymous with choking.

  • http://www.chadgibbs.com Chad Gibbs

    The fighters are my least favorite, especially if I'm sitting very close to them. However, I sort of like them if I'm sitting a safe distance, and the game is boring.

  • Russ Ray

    I know a guy who is blissfully ignorant of how crappy his team (the Raiders) is. After every game (win or lose), he posts on Facebook, "BRING ON [name of next week's opponent here]!!!" I mean, are you seriously in that much of a hurry to watch another 25-point beatdown?

    Of course, since the Raiders did win over the Chargers last weekend, he thinks that the Raiders will sweep the Super Bowl, the MVP, the Rookie of the Year, and the Sporting News Good Sportsman of the year and will not shut up about it to the tune of 12 status updates per day. There is a good reason why I hide his posts.

    I know another guy who became a Saints fan the day after the Super Bowl last year and supposedly knew they were going to win all along, but he just wasn't as vocal about it because he knew the Colts fans locally would thrash him. Not sure what either of those categories are, but the last one hopped on the bandwagon in time for it to leave the station.

  • http://breakingthrough.tumblr.com Jeremy Keegan

    Here's one you missed: The Awkwardly Loud guy. He's the guy who doesn't watch sports on a regular basis, so when he does, he over-reacts at weird moments. You're sitting there watching the Sunday night game, and a routine 3-yard run happens, with a mediocre tackle, and all of the sudden he jumps up off the couch and screams "OH MAN!! Did you see that tackle?" And for a minute you are caught in a mixture of thinking, wait did I actually miss something good, and thinking, dude this guy's crazy. The only solution is for them to get out and be around football games more so that the crowd can normalize their reaction a bit.

  • mattriggins

    Great list! I was actually at the Ga Tech game on Saturday – and I think you based your entire research on the section i was sitting in. Seriously.

    How about these 2 guys: the Magic Johnson & the Joe Morgan

    The Magic Johnson guy calls everyone "my man" – as you're watching the game about to dip your next chip in to the salsa he says, did you see my man DeSean Jackson totally juke that dude. You think he knows him, when meanwhile all that has happened is that he once received a tweet from him. Next play – "Oh… my man Vick is Sick out there"

    The Joe Morgan guy constantly refers to things that happen in his generation. This could be your uncle or just some random joe-blow at work. You ask him, hey Joe – did you see that game last night… and his response is along the lines of "yea, I haven't seen that since the 1967 World Series", then you have to pull up a chair because you're gonna be there for a while.

    • Tyler Stanton

      How did I forget the Joe Morgan?!? Great call. I can hardly tolerate a game that he or McCarver does.

  • http://www.adaupdates.blogspot.com Scott

    "There are only two positions in the Chop – bent arm and extended arm" Nice.

    Sadly, I am a Poor Chopper. This is why I don't do it. Same reason I don't sing at church. I recognize my weaknesses. I don’t want to disturb everyone around me and hinder their game viewing/worship experience.

    Though, I think the worst kind of Chopper of all is the over exuberant Double Chopper. Unfortunately, you can have too much of a good thing.

    • Tyler Stanton

      Dude-
      It's not like we're asking you to learn the waltz. Two positions!

      • http://www.adaupdates.blogspot.com Scott

        It's not so much the bent arm and extended arm that gets me. It’s more the getting from one position to the other at the same time as everyone else.

        We don’t all have the rhythm it takes to rap about Bowl haircuts with Chris Tomlin, Tyler.

  • http://djiverson.com dj iverson

    I'd like to add the 'I'm on the team guy' who uses phrases like "I think we look pretty good this year" or "We should have won that game" although he never has, or will, be asked to play.

    Topping that is the 'My team' guy who says stuff like, "My Cowboys need to do something to help out Romo." Thank you Jerry Jones for your input.

  • Ryan

    How about the over the top violent wishes guy… while everybody expresses their dislike towards the weekly team of choice (Phillies), this guy says something like, "Yah, I hope their team bus gets bombed!" At which point everyone in the conversation slowly backs away while trying not to make eye contact with him.

    • http://www.pofgblog.com joerob577

      Ouch, that's me… But not for real… And only sometimes… When two teams that I really dislike are playing each other (the Yankees v. Mets world series in 2000, for instance), I've been known to quietly wish that the stadium would collapse.

      • Ryan

        I think that's the same series that I had this experience the first time…and I was the guy. Since that day, I've been very sensitive to the issue.

    • Tyler Stanton

      I have a few friends who wish bodily harm to Yankees and Georgia Bulldogs. Come on. I understand wishing he would fumble or say something embarrassing in his post-game interview, but bodily harm?

  • http://everettbracken.com Ev

    I’m confident that your next edition will include the overdresser. I will not steal your glory and describe him, but suffice it to say he is currently wearing a Bobby Cox thong.

  • http://www.pofgblog.com joerob577

    Nice list…

    I would add the Obvious Commentary Guy (aka "The Madden"), and the Obnoxious Drunk.

    "The Madden" says things like, "Boy that quarterback is sure going to get a lot of touches today."

    The Obnoxious Drunk says things like, "Blaaaaaaarrggghhhh…. I'm not *hic* druuuuunk…. I just… I just love you guys… For real, man… You guys are awesome… I can't… I can't feel my face…" And then he falls down.

  • David Robertson

    How about the "Soccer Purist" who claims it's the best sport in the world, and Americans are ignorant for not making it more popular. He's always twisting his ankle because of his skinny Puma shoes that he never actually plays soccer in, but never misses a big match on that station he had to manually add to his cable package. His vacation was scheduled around the World Cup this year, and that time he went to London he came back with 17 jerseys that he claims were much cheaper to get there.

  • Bryan

    I don't think it's possible to find a happy medium between the Perfect Teamer and the Pessimist. I guess you just have to watch a game with no emotion.

    • Tyler Stanton

      Which is also impossible.
      I think we just have to pick the lesser of two evils. I choose pessimist every time.

  • http://mleetaft.tumblr.com M. Lee Taft

    How about the "I'm a fan of X team, but a guy from my fantasy team is playing X team this week so I'm going to cheer for him to do well against them even if it destroys X team's season" guy?

    And since Braves fans can't do the Chop correctly anyways, maybe you should all acknowledge the fact that you stole it from Florida State because of Deion Sanders, who was never that good in the first place, and maybe you should ALL just stop doing it.

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