24

An Open Letter to Starbucks Patrons

October 14th, 2010 - Uncategorized - 24 Comments »

Dear Starbucks patrons,

It is my sincere hope that this letter will be posted on the front door of all 16,635 Starbucks locations around the world. It is a letter that must be written, and since no one else is doing it, please allow me. I hope you hear this in love, for I am one of you.

1. Please don’t make me have to do a Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sky-hook to throw away my trash. I understand that you need to dress your coffee up a little bit, but you don’t have to box me out Rodman-style while doing it.* There’s only one trashcan in the entire place, and it’s underneath that 6-inch hole you’ve been guarding for the past five minutes.

2. No one is impressed with your complicated drink order. People with complicated drink orders always do two things: 1) They say their order really fast in order to confuse the barista with it’s one-of-a-kindness, and 2) They give a little half-smile/side-glance at the other people in line to make sure they know who the boss is around here. I got news for you guy – the rest of us caffeine-deprived people in line are hoping your venti triple-shot no-foam skinny mocha chip latte with peppermint drizzle spills on the crotchal-region of your pleated khakis.

3. Please be reasonable with the volume of your voice. Here’s a hint: It shouldn’t resemble your “at a football game voice” or “reuniting with a childhood friend voice”. If you’re unsure of what this sounds like, just look around. The rest of us seem to have it down pat.

4. Please lock the onesy. You know the onesy – it’s the public restroom that is made for only one person at a time. There’s a lock for a reason. This is the single worst situation to make eye contact with another person.

5. Please share the plug love. It is never appropriate to utilize an entire wall socket by yourself. Please refrain from charging your computer and cell phone at the same time. And it is never OK to charge your ultrasound machine.

6. Please make sure your headphones are plugged into your computer’s headphone jack. The other day a girl was blaring music from her computer so loud that, even with buds in her ears, she thought the music was coming through her headphones. It wasn’t, and she had no idea. We all had a good hearty laugh at her expense. Little did I know the exact same thing would happen to me less than a week later.

7. Please have a game plan before you even enter the store. Your time at the counter should closely resemble Seinfeld’s encounter with the Soup Nazi. This is not the time to ask how fresh the bagels are or whether or not their beans are of the shade-grown, fair trade variety. Simply state your order, hand them your money, and shimmy to the left without making eye contact.

Thank you for your cooperation. See you soon!

Sincerely,
Tyler Stanton

Anything I missed?

*Yes, that was two NBA references in one paragraph. My hope is that you’re impressed.

  • Mickey

    I’m that guy that refuses to play the tall/grande/venti game. My order is always one of two; a large black coffee or a medium black coffee. My favorite: quite often they ask if I want room for cream.

  • Rich Barrett

    Tyler,

    These are helpful, for sure. Could you also please explain to everyone that Starbucks does NOT have a PlayPlace, and thus may not be the best location for a playdate or Mom’s book club? I love kids–have four–but Starbucks is really not the best place for your kids to jump around on the chairs while shrieking and throwing bits of muffin at patrons.

    Thanks for using your platform to address the issues that really matter!

  • http://Www.elic-ctf.org Roy_Moore

    You forgot phone conversations in line. Your order should never start with, “hold on a sec” to your phone and definately not to the baresta!

  • Christopher VanDyke

    I had the earbuds-not-plugged-in thing happen to me while editing video in the Look Up Lodge office a couple years ago. Walter walked in the room singing the song, causing me to realize I wasn't the only one listening to it.

  • Katie

    Number 6…I'm so paranoid about doing that all the time. I've never done it, nor even seen anyone else do…yet I always double check by discreetly taking my earbuds out after I've started listening.

  • Jonathan

    what's the deal with people taking your beverage when they call out the drink and not your name? what do you do in a situation where someone has taken your beverage? i generally let them have it and just wait until the same beverage is called out. but what do you do when in it's a smaller size?

  • http://www.blackcoffeereflections.com tim

    Lol – I especially loved #1 and #7.

    Among my pet peeves is this person who has to organize their wallet upon receiving change. First of all, if you are a patron, get the rewards card and second, get out of the way, you'll be waiting for your drink order anyway. (And then don't give me that annoyed look when I order from behind you ;-)

    • Tyler Stanton

      So true. I'd rather forfeit all my change than spend an extra fraction of a second putting bills back in my wallet with people waiting in line behind me.

    • Tyler Stanton

      great call on the wallet organizer. i'd rather forfeit all my change than spend an extra fraction of a second putting it back in my wallet/pocket with people behind me………………..tyler stanton

  • mrimperial

    Breast-feeding: not much we can do about that. When your kid needs it, just be discreet about it.

    Breast-pumping: not ok.

  • …adam

    8. Put your phone down. Everyone can clearly see you have an iphone4 and you got the free neon green case. But it'll take two seconds to make your order, because we all know you are the reason for #2. Stop acting annoyed that you cant multi task (like your phone) and order while on the phone. Just set it down.
    Set. It. Down.

    9. Just because you bring your own cup and act green, stop thinking you are better than the rest of the people there. (Oh, this is just me? My bad)

  • http://twitter.com/bethanyspear Bethany

    Not too long ago, a couple sat at the table right next to me and proceeded to have a huge fight. Not subtle or discreet – they were fighting in Starbucks. Super awkward – when they left, the whole store was like, “did that just happen?”

  • Pingback: Links « rickknowles.net

  • http://180tampa.com Jerry White

    How about chattin up the baristas about what's good today? What their favorite combo is? If they really like working there etc…like you'll actually get an extra shot if you're nice. That's all fine and good at 10:30 with no one else in line, but when there are any more than one of you in line, order and move on. Please don't distract them from getting my drink's mix ratios correct because you needed to lean over the counter and continue your discussion of how great yesterday's coffee recommendation was just so they give you an extra squirt of caramel. Please don't breath on my froth while you're at it either.

  • http://guidetowomen.wordpress.com/ Sharideth Smith

    at a starbucks in oklahoma, where everyone is pathologically polite, a girl was holding up the line by talking on her cell phone. actually held up her hand to the barista in that "wait, can't you see i'm on the phone?" way. nobody was pleased, but nobody said anything either.

    except my husband. who had just flown in from so-cal the night before.

    he said, just a little bit louder than was necessary, "in LA, they would've shot her by now."

    polite snickers ensued.

  • Travis Allison

    The eye contact situations are just hilarious. haha so true and so funny to picture. hahahaha

  • Katie T

    1. No, we don’t have cokes.
    2. Husbands in the drivers seat waiting in the drive thru, just order for her. I cannot hear what she’s saying yelling across you.
    3. A travler takes a while to prepare, not a drive thru order.
    4. I’ve worked here for over 2 years, but you’re right there should be no mocha in your hot chocolate??
    5. You must specify iced or hot, I am no mind reader.
    6. If I don’t hear you the first time in drive thru, just simply restate it.. I do not need you to scream.
    7. We do not have coconut. And don’t tell me all the other Starbucks in town do.. We are corporately owned, we all serve the same thing.
    8. And to the law enforcement out there.. It’s never ok to pull someone over in our drive thru. True story.
    Very great letter

  • Kay

    To add to Katie T's list:
    1. When I go into your surgery room and tell you where to make the first incision, then you can come into my job and tell me how drinks are made. I was trained to do this, and after 4 years, I'd like to think I know what I'm doing.
    2. If you come through drive thru and want a pastry, please have an idea as to what you'd might like, because as much as I like rambling every single pastry off to you, there are other people waiting.
    3. Please keep in mind that we do brew our coffee, it's not and endless supply that magically fills up on it's own. So please don' t be livid if we run out,.
    4. The voice that comes out from the drive thru speaker is not gonna chastise you for speaking up. Go ahead, tell it what you want.
    5. Sometimes we run out of things, it happens, and in all honesty, it's not our fault.
    6. If you want to order all kinds of extra syrups and shots, go ahead. Just keep in mind that we do have to charge you. This is a business.
    7. No, the bathroom door is not broken. If it doesn't open, that usually means it's not, which is, in most cases, a sign that someone else is in there.
    8. The hole in the middle of the condiment bar is a trash can. Feel free to put your trash there, it doesn't look so great right next to it.
    9. Sometimes there are new people training, please don't make them cry.
    10. If I repeat your order to you and you say it's correct, I'm going to assume it's correct. Don't get mad at me if you didn't pay attention to what I said because you were on the phone. No one's going to be mad if you wait off to the side to finish your conversation before you get in line.

    • Kay

      *#7 should read, " that usually means it's locked"

  • Pingback: MegaPastor Battle Royale: Final Four « tylertarver.com

  • Rachel Adeline

    Ummm…you are a genius, sir. Number 2, DEAD ON!!!!!!!!! I worked at SBUX for 6 years, and have been trying to articulate this pet peeve of mine ever since. For people like this: NO-ONE is impressed with your ridiculous drink order, least of all the barista that you're trying to throw for a loop by ordering it. We've been there, done that, done much worse than that. The only thing that your million mile per minute ordering "skills" and self-satisfied side glances are accomplishing is that they are directing extremely negative vibes in your direction and causing you to lose friends.

  • Pingback: Whip yo hair back and forth « tylertarver.com

  • http://twitter.com/jeremylovesYHWH Jeremy Stephens

    After having experienced the life of working at Starbucks for 4 years, I can attest to all of these…and would also add that the order you give me blurted out in between giggles and gossip on your cell phone does not get any easier to hear when you yell it. Then it just becomes a louder blurt.

    Also, you look ridiculous trying to add cream to your venti drip with a cell phone propped between your ear and shoulder.

    -Jeremy
    http://www.quarterlifechristian.com

  • http://about.me/taltonfiggins Talton

    Nothing like taking command of the onesy just to have the door “delta forced” by someone who doesn’t understand why it’s locked.